OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Having trouble accepting reality

**Posted by RW** November 5, 2017 9:56 am

My ex and I have been on and off for over 3 years. When we first started dating things were great. After moving in together he started being distant sexually. I would try to initiate sex and he would always blow me off, but the moment I left the house He would masturbate to transgender porn. I became a detective and sick at this point. I then found transgender Backpage searches and when I confronted him on it he told me that he only looked at them for the pictures and that it was just another form of porn. I stupidly believed him and stayed with him for over another year. I finally left due to his addictions to drugs, alcohol, and porn.. We have tried to work things out several times in the last few months. Just Last week I found that he had been perusing craigslist casual encounters. He sent an email to a male massage therapist telling him that he would love to give him oral and would like a prostate massage. Then I found the email correspondence with a transgender escort sending over his pictures and asking what she was interested in. He knew all of the lingo. This reality has been a very large pill for me to swallow. I confronted him through a letter being very supportive and loving and telling him that I was here if you wanted to talk about things. He turned everything around on me and got very defensive and told me I was making reality out of and email and that it just wasn’t the truth or reality. I asked in the letter if he was gay or bi or he was doing this as some form of stress relief. Again he just beratted me and belittled me and made me feel like I made it up all in my head. I took pictures of all of the conversations. I have the proof. Did I do something wrong? I could really use some advice for my situation. I’m so glad I found this site and I’m thankful for all of your stories. At least I know I’m not alone

**Posted by Duped** November 5, 2017 11:12 am

Deleted

Last edited by Duped (October 6, 2019 4:56 am)

**Posted by Daryl** November 5, 2017 11:26 am

No, I think you did nothing wrong by voicing a very large obstacle to the success of a relationship. I believe this is a form of gas-lighting. Making you think this is your problem, that you are imagining things or blowing them out of proportion. The truth here is that he pursues transgender stuff and ignores you. That is not the sign of a normal straight man. He is seeking encounters outside your relationship. It really doesn't matter if it's other men, women or transsexuals. It is cheating. He is speaking to prostitutes, including the 'male massage therapist'. Ask yourself if you can trust this person to make you as his priority? It is admirable that you want to offer him an option to talk about this but you also have to be ready to accept a rejection of that offer. He has to genuinely want to change himself. You cannot be his parole officer. Regular addictions such as drugs, alcohol, and even porn, can be fixed if the person with the addiction works hard to break it and stay off it. Core sexuality isn't something you can fix. You can only hide it and I think that is what you are seeing here. You are not alone. Be kind to yourself and look out for your long term happiness.

Last edited by Daryl (November 5, 2017 11:27 am)

**Posted by RW** November 5, 2017 12:04 pm

Thank you both for your responses. I’m trying to be kind to myself and accept that the life I had was not what it was. It’s nice to know I’m not alone. My mind has been twisted and brainwashed. Going to take it day by day.

**Posted by Duped** November 5, 2017 12:21 pm

RW, you need to hold on to that thought. I came here in that state too, confused and not believing my own reality. Please use this board, you will start to see how totally off your relationship was. Don’t let this man damage your mental health, because he will if you let it go on.

I recommend no contact, block him on social media and your phone, you do not need to explain to him that you are doing it, just do it. Buy yourself some breathing and thinking space.

**Posted by RW** November 5, 2017 8:06 pm

I’m trying to hold on to that. So difficult. I keep replaying everything Over and over. Why can I not accept that is who he is? I want to be grossed out and angry at him. I pray i can heal from all of this.