OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Are some people just broken?

**Posted by majenco** October 7, 2017 6:30 am

I struggle to understand how someone can deliberately deceive someone they claim to love for years and years. I don’t think my husband is a narcissist but I know he’s way messed up. Being gay in denial must be very difficult but isn’t it more difficult to lead a double life?
I know I’m just going down the spiral to hell trying to make sense of the senseless.
The need to have the hetero front is what must drive the deception. I just could never live with the guilt. He must not have it. Or at least he can put it somewhere so deep that he doesn’t t have to deal with it very often or at all.
My husband’s extreme alcoholism was probably keeping this shit at bay for years. Who knows what will happen now that he’s sober or if that will even last as his bullshit facade comes crashing down around him.
I’m not going to be able to continue on this road with him for much longer. I can feel myself shifting. There’s ultimately nothing but pain ahead for me as long as I stay with this person.
I am strongly considering starting anti depressants. This is something I never thought I would do but my anxiety is just not abating. My health is suffering. 6 months from D day and I am moving out of the fog but still there is more and more pain.
No matter what his childhood was like he is an adult now, he is responsible for his actions. He knows right from wrong. If he chooses wrong then it is his own failure of character and selfishness. No amount of abuse is an excuse to heap pain like this on another person.

Last edited by majenco (October 7, 2017 6:32 am)

**Posted by Dee** October 7, 2017 9:56 am

I agree with you wholeheartedly Majenco. The world is filled with examples of people with absolutely horrific lives and circumstances. But they knew right from wrong. Mine made the decision EVERY SINGLE DAY to do what he was doing, and he I call bullshit on the excuses. He never gave me a choice,and he had over 30 years to come clean. Even though I am alone now, it’s peaceful and healthy. I never knew until I threw him out how toxic it was, and how it was a marriage of 1.

**Posted by majenco** October 7, 2017 11:58 am

So true Dee,
I have been trying to somehow justify this egregious behavoir by attempting empathy. Of course childhood abuse is horrific but he’s 46. At some point in the interim, after having a somewhat lucrative carreer, owning a home, being a contributing member of society, no matter how messed up he was with drinking and inner conflict he knows right from wrong. He woke up each day with a choice. He chose the easy answer. Not the loving one. He bought me flowers on the way home from work, he also bought some tranny porn for himself. He washed my car and got the oil changed but had little concern for potentially giving me an std.
He just got in the bus every day and ran me over. That’s the excruciatingly painful reality I now have to somehow deal with. I hope I can get to the point wanting to leave as quickly as possible.

Last edited by majenco (October 7, 2017 12:00 pm)

**Posted by Dee** October 7, 2017 12:14 pm

I did the same thing in the beginning, but the more I started peeling back the layers, the more horrible it became, especially his behavior to our daughter when she confronted him with lies she had discovered. So I can totally relate to being run over by the bus, so can my kids. Hugs to you.

**Posted by majenco** October 7, 2017 1:54 pm

Thanks Dee,
Hugs right back to you and your daughter.

**Posted by Foreverfooled1** October 7, 2017 6:32 pm

Sorry you are going through this majenco,

You mentioned
"I know I’m just going down the spiral to hell trying to make sense of the senseless.
The need to have the hetero front is what must drive the deception. I just could never live with the guilt. He must not have it. Or at least he can put it somewhere so deep that he doesn’t t have to deal with it very often or at all."

and also that you don't think he is a narcissist. and how can he live with the guilt?

I don't think these men have any guilt what so-ever and imo, that is what makes them so narcissistic. Mine has told me that I am lucky that he married me!! Can you believe that shit? and he thinks I should believe it after all the cruel things he has done and continues to do each day. The man literally talks to me like I am his very own personal MORON! Everyday he does this and be-little's me bit by bit. And the abuse doesn't stop there. There is no abuse he has not inflicted on me at some point in my life. My kids have all seen it with the emotional and verbal. He doesn't do it so much in front of the boys but in front of my daughter he sure has a time of it..My kids are adults but he is starting to do it in front of the grands too. I don't want to live with that also.

give up making any sense of it, it will never make sense.

I think they think we should be lucky they picked us. After all , their such great husbands, (sarcastic)

Big Hugs to you!

Last edited by Foreverfooled1 (October 7, 2017 6:36 pm)

**Posted by majenco** October 7, 2017 8:27 pm

I see your point Forever,
My husband doesn’t speak disrespectfully to me. I honestly don’t think he’s a narcissist. However the denial and cheating and his gaslighting are still unacceptable. Being polite about the abuse just makes it harder to spot.
Hugs to you.

Majenco

Last edited by majenco (October 8, 2017 11:12 am)

**Posted by Foreverfooled1** October 7, 2017 9:14 pm

Majenco, I understand what ur saying about him not being verbally abusive towards u, but...really cheating, lying and gaslighting are all abuse .. just the same. Narcissistic people do that. Maybe it's mental illness but not ur problem. Just the same Hugs

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** October 7, 2017 9:57 pm

I call this "the pathology of the closet."
I don't think it's easy for those of us who haven't lived our lives in denial and in the closet to understand fully the toll it takes on and the warping it does of those who are in the closet.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (October 7, 2017 9:58 pm)

**Posted by Rob** October 7, 2017 11:36 pm

I still can't make sense of either...I settled on my ex just has a "broken moral core". I fear her rage and I fear her morality.....capable of infinite hurt. This from the person who was supposed to love me forever.

It keeps me from moving on as I gave her nothing but fierce love, affection and loyalty.