OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / aha! moments

**Posted by Rob** September 11, 2017 6:30 am

Ynadin,

I get it. I truly get it. I'm trying to move on so you'll see me use words like " I dont want to analyze it or ruminate".. Fact is everything you say..all those aha moments are most likely true. What I found is it can overwhelm you; in a sentence; if you look back now with all you know now, you/we can see just how horrible our spouses were...how things were the way they were because of them and their secret".

What I like to do is what my therapist told me; look back and process...maybe see the aha...maybe ruminate.. but only for a finite time...say 5 to 10 minutes. then jump back to the present and do something useful.. This helps by reminding me it really happened but does not overwhelm me with grief.

We gave true, fierce, authentic love... we were all in.. they were/are not ..they kept some secret..some portion of them held back.. its a cruel selfish thing. I look back with pride instead of shame.. I look forward with some hope of knowing my past for what it was...knowing I was authentic.

**Posted by Duped** September 11, 2017 7:06 am

We're all in different stages of this. I find it incredibly helpful to write on threads like this - because I can't do what I would do if this were a normal break-up, as in i can't just head to the pub with my mates and talk about 'what I should have seen' or 'what a shit, he did all this stuff' like others can. I go on nights out and listen to them telling us all about why their husband left or what they did and I can see it's helping them somehow to get it all out. And I have to sit there and say ah well, we just weren't working out.

Thanks for letting those of us who need it just chat it out here because it does help.

**Posted by lily** September 15, 2017 12:48 pm

Hi Ynadin

yes that's me who says they're everywhere. Closeted gays and lesbians. and they seem to be able to connect into groups quite readily whereas the straight spouses tend to be more isolated.

Apologies if this is too much stereotyping, but there always seems to be a lot of bitchiness, lots of laughing at other people.

My ex was always fond of saying he didn't ask to be born. true. but now I recognise that was a spoiler remark - it was his excuse.