OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Just found out

**Posted by Alicia** September 3, 2017 9:37 pm

26 years of marriage, 29 years together. I had NO clue my husband is gay and I thought we had a better then average marriage. Sigh.
I have clinical depression and have been a little low lately. I almost went to the hospital when I confronted him. For the first time in my life I snooped because he has been out of the apartment a lot recently. The picture confirmed and I felt the floor drop. I made a psychiatrist appointment and met with the doctor this week.
I don't know what I will do. I didn't ever expect not to live out my years with my husband unless he passed. I have so much grief. At first he wanted a divorce, but the next day he wants to stay with me, but date on the side. I'm trying to deal with it. I don't want him to leave. I don't want to date. I don't want to be alone.
I'm looking forward to therapy, and hopefully a support group. So many for him, but not for me.
How do I stop crying? Why am I not able to consider dating? It's all new, but when did you face reality? How many have stayed in their marriage and consider it living with your best friend?

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** September 3, 2017 10:21 pm

Alicia wrote:
26 years of marriage, 29 years together....

My heart goes out to you Alicia. The hurt, the crying, the bewilderment.....the pain. Think of it
as a new path....but you're blindfolded initially, and very unsure.
This is a great place to come to.
I am the same as you....thought we'd see our days out together. That's still my ultimate wish,
but there is a lot more water to flow under the bridge, a few more hard conversations....even
arguments....counselling, strategies to work out.
Be true to yourself. Don't lose yourself..in this maelstrom

**Posted by Daryl** September 3, 2017 11:16 pm

You are likely still in shock and grief is very normal in this situation. What you thought your future would be, is not. What you thought was your past, wasn't completely true. Therapy is a very good first step. Support is critical, even if it's just a close friend. If you haven't already done so, reach out via the main SSN website and see if there is a local support group near you. You need to decide on what YOU want and need. This isn't just about what your spouse wants nor should you just acquiesce to that. Cry as much as you need to. Do not worry about being alone, dating and so on at this time. All that does is make things look unconquerable. Take small steps in these first few days. Take care and we are always here when you need to talk.

**Posted by Rob** September 4, 2017 7:01 am

Alicia,

You are in shock but have taken great first steps.. keep taking small steps ...build your support system.

Crying is ok.. crying mean we are authentic and real.. (doubt your husband is crying). Do not be ashamed..you did nothing wrong.

It is a season, a valley. It is not forever. Do not let your mind get too far ahead worrying about the future. Focus your energy on the present and getting through each day. Do not worry about the future...the future is unknown and you do not know what it will bring. But you do know what the present will bring...focus on working on that.

**Posted by Alicia** September 4, 2017 7:49 am

Thank you for your replies! Your words are kind and helpful. I am determined not to become an old bitter woman. I want to be that fiercely independent gorgeous woman I was before I met my husband. Lots to do though, lol! I will keep you posted through my journey and please reach out to me also.
Again, thank you!

**Posted by lily** September 4, 2017 4:23 pm

Hi Alicia,

After reading your post all I could think was I'm so sorry you got depressed. That happened to me too. It's so not fair.

it's not right.

and now he wants to go date? what about you?

It sounds manipulative to me, like he's deliberately playing you - one minute he's threatening you with divorce and the next he wants to go date?

look after yourself and don't forget to be kind to yourself at all times. crying is good. wishing you all the best, Lily.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** September 4, 2017 5:39 pm

What Ynadin says!

...he wants to stay but date on the side-- and it will be months or years before you are able to grasp how staggeringly cruel and self-centered-- how shatteringly narcissistic-- that is.

I'm struck by reading, over and over in posts by those coming onto the forum for the first time, how their spouses want to "experiment" or "date" while staying married and seem to think that because they'll be with same sex partners that the straight spouse should be ok with it. (Sometimes they get more creative and undergound, proposing threesomes, with the third being their preferred sexual orientations partner). How massively selfish this is, wanting to have their cake and eat it, too.

**Posted by Louise** September 4, 2017 6:28 pm

Alicia, I am so sorry you have to go through this. You have come to the right place. I have just begun my journey too. My husband told me he was gay a year ago tomorrow which is also the day after my birthday. Then he said he wanted a divorce in May after 39 years of marriage. Now is he is moving into his own apartment this week. I have do my best to distance myself emotionally & prepare financially for the divorce. He has actually been very nice as he feels extremely guilty. That helps me focus on & take care me. I also try to focus on the present & not the future...baby steps. Get sleep. Get up. Get dressed. Eat healthy. Exercise. Work is my great distraction. I cry when I want. And most importantly, I have met some of these wonderful people found here & they are amazing. There is so much love from others who have gone & are going through this too. You are definitely not alone!!! Great BIG (((hugs))) to you, Alicia. Keep posting.

**Posted by Alicia** September 4, 2017 8:51 pm

Happy Birthday Louise!

**Posted by iamthelorax** September 4, 2017 9:12 pm

Hi Alicia, so sorry you had to find yourself here. It comes as a shock to us all, really glad you're going to therapy. You're among friends here, take care of yourself first and foremost. Big hugs!