OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Using the children (not really gaslighting)

**Posted by jkpeace** March 11, 2017 10:52 am

Deleted

Last edited by jkpeace (April 13, 2017 6:58 pm)

**Posted by Lake Breeze** March 11, 2017 1:42 pm

Good topic, JK. My kids were so affected by these kinds of comments - in my case that I was so awful he had to move out and get a divorce - that they haven't spoken to me in years. Watch out, because your kids could start to believe what he says and come to think of you as "weak", "psychologically disordered, "hypercritical", the reason for the divorce, etc; you name it. I do not know what the solution is. All we can do is continue to be our best selves and hope the kids get it at some point.

**Posted by maresyd** March 11, 2017 3:14 pm

Great words, Lake Breeze. All we can do is continue to be our best selves and hope the kids get it at some point.

The real truth is, kids are much more resilient and intuitive than we give them credit for. JKPeace, I'm not sure if gaslighting is the term, he's just really shifting his focus off himself, and on to his guilt and you. He likely feels like you can't handle things on your own with the kids (or he misses that part of your marriage), or he feels guilty about not being there, telling the kids to help you out more. Maybe he's just trying to be a good Dad. As for the "worried about Mom" part, as you said, the kids see you. They know what's going on. That is just another way to say you probably won't survive if he's not there to help you. But......

YOU ARE AND WILL!

I think your response is how you feel and it is the truth. Dad is having a hard time. I'm sure if the kids want to know something, they will ask you.

You're doing fantastic JKPeace! 10 days....then free! At least in a marital sense.

Hugs M

**Posted by Rob** March 11, 2017 5:10 pm

Your kids sound like their doing OK. It sounds to me like he was just trying to tell them, rather badly, to help you out more. That he assumes your doing badly as him is probably him projecting how he is doing onto to you.. Good kids to let him know your ok.

All the kids really want is a mom and a dad . If mom and dad need to be in separate houses they can deal with that . What they cant deal with is mom and dad fighting or talking bad about each other; hence, why divorced they should not have any of that.

**Posted by Rob** March 12, 2017 12:14 pm

Yes Jen... they think if they say something,scream something, even write it down that makes it true.
When you tell call them out on it they just wish it away; I didn't say that , you didn't see that.   If you press it and call them out on this lie they deflect and bring up any other problem they can think of thereby putting you on the defensive.

The say you can tell a narcassist by;   you get in a fight with them and you apologize for getting in the way of their fist.

I gave up any fights;    . .. all we can do is get away.

**Posted by Dee** March 12, 2017 12:23 pm

Mine started gaslighting my daughter when she started confronting him, it was pathetic. She saw right through it and it didn't take long for her to figure out on her own to also go no contact.

**Posted by Foolme** March 13, 2017 8:04 am

jk GOOD GOD WOMAN, is he for real? You come across to me as having a great handle on your life altogether. Ok there are struggles of course, but you're doing it, yes finances are tight but you're working on that. Your kids all sound like they're as well adjusted as they can be given the situation, from what I've read anyway.

Your posts were one of the first I saw when I registered on here and I discovered we're similar age, similar time frame since TGT, similar marriage length, you've a broader range of children (& more of them) than me but given their ages you seem to have a great handle on who's capable of hearing what etc.

Oh he's just feeling sorry for himself I think, it's really he's not coping and may have tried to see if they'd agree with him that you're struggling to maybe make him feel better about himself?! Your kids see you day in day out, they know how well you're doing. But as Lake Breeze suggested it's probably good to keep an ear to the ground to avoid him trying to turn them. It sounds to me like he's not in a position to take them on if they did decide you're unfit to live with anyway!!

It could have something to do with the divorce date too.....we could all come up with possible reasons why he's saying these things but bottom line is none of us know the inside of a narcissist's head and how their brains work, we're just going round in circles beating ourselves up trying.

Not my monkey, not my circus comes to mind again (I think it'll come to mind daily for years to come!!).

It's good that your son is able to say it to you and I applaud you on your phrase, "he's having a rough time right now"!