OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Back and Forth, about to make myself crazy..........er

**Posted by Foolme** March 8, 2017 5:58 am

jkpeace: I think you're right the GID spouses were never really present, even when physically there. It's so say your STBX didn't accept the family photo in the manner in which it was given, they'll always be his children! Your comment on the speech at your dear daughter's funeral sounds like the speech that was made at my first daughter's wedding, it was beautiful. Everyone was saying what a perfect speech it was, a lot of time went into preparing and delivering it and now it seems like it was a performance.......the speech at our second daughter's wedding (post TGT) was completely different, it had some depth but more off the cuff and not as well delivered.

Another thing my kids always noticed was if you asked him a question he'd answer what he thought you needed answered not what you actually asked (ie Q: When is Sally's birthday? Ans he could give: She'll be 10!) He was always distant but very present for school work or sorting out college courses etc, I think deep down he felt if they got a good education and were all "degreed" he'd have succeeded.

Sometimes I feel really horrible badmouthing him and feel protective of him. In fact I don't bad mouth too often as he did provide very well and continues to do so for me......that can't balance out the lack of respect, lies etc though.

I don't believe any of these spouses will ever be truly happy either........I'm not sure they'd have the staying power through the level of therapy needed to break down walls built up for 40+ years. On the other hand they could surprise us all and get married to the love of their lives next year LOL....who the hell knows anything anymore!!!

**Posted by JJ1966** March 8, 2017 9:10 am

Oohc,

I have a few suggestions today about how we might all answer the question......but none of them would be helpful......to our GID spouses that is.

Today is a little better, feeling a little numb, but that is normal for me after going thru yet another shock to the system. It helps me to get some perspective and it happens so often I am beginning to think it's a coping mechanism of sorts. Anyway I wanted to just check in and let you all know you are appreciated and that I am still here.

Jo

**Posted by Rob** March 8, 2017 10:24 am

JJ, All,

Glad to hear everyone is ok and getting back on their feet every time they're pushed down.    My therapist always tells me getting over this and moving forward is not linear. we'll have good days and bad days.

My mentality this week (now don't laugh, don't judge me..whatever we need to do to cope and move on);
I watched the entire season of that FX show "Taboo"..The main character Jim Delany comes back from Africa to London and he has many enemies and fewer friends ..it seems everyone is against him.. he is oppressed.    It's a dark and depressing but what struck me the most was his demeanor of strength and using the resources he has and allies he has to accomplish things. He never comes across as totally defeated..even when in prison and tortured he asks for his enemy and tells him; "I have a use for you" . I love it. Fiction I know but...
I don't have to be oppressed and scared of my ex in this life.    I have a use for her. She can take care of the kids every other weekend ..she can pay half of things etc..

At least now I have some purpose or idea of what to do with the crazy gay ex...I can start moving on.

.

**Posted by maresyd** March 9, 2017 6:18 am

JJ1966, glad you had a better day.

JenS: YOU are not stupid, you are strong and smart. He's a master manipulator and liar, and even an FBI agent probably couldn't figure it out. He's good at covering anything that would bring him off the pedestal, and he knows how to argue. But so do you. Eyes on the prize, my friend.

FoolMe: In the end, he was/is your husband and you shared a life together. Just like when you argue and you wish you were somewhere else, "badmouthing" is something you do to cope. Even if he did provide financially, he didn't provide everything you needed....because he CAN'T. You aren't responsible for the way he acts, and YOU DO MATTER, too. We don't have to make our exes into demons, just people that made some bad choices in their behaviors, and are people we used to share a life with.

Rob: You ARE moving on! Amazing how we source strength from stories. I love that you reframed your thoughts into something that works for you.

Big large group hug to you all.

**Posted by JJ1966** March 23, 2017 9:44 am

Hi, all......just checking in.
Update: I delayed my car payment for two months, I will be able to buy his plane ticket next month and if he doesn't use it, I will. So just hang in there with me, hopefully he will take his crazy with him. Then I can begin the real work. It's like popping a blister, everything has to drain away before you can apply the neo-sporen.

**Posted by Foolme** March 23, 2017 10:07 am

JJ1966

Glad things seem to be falling into place and you can see the start where the real work begins but I'd say you're actually doing a lot of internal real work along the way without realising it

**Posted by maresyd** March 23, 2017 3:53 pm

JJ1966: Wahooooooo!

Moving in the greatest direction for you. Awesome!

**Posted by Rob** March 23, 2017 8:59 pm

JJ,

Worth every penny just to get him away.

I pay for the privelage with each paycheck.

With the gay ex away I see everyday how warped and crazy my life was. Good decent friends and family had been pushed away. So much I allowed and didn't question because she would get angry.
No one raging at me now..no guilt because I didn't do this or that.
There is a calmness, lack of drama...peace.

**Posted by JJ1966** March 24, 2017 9:11 am

Foolme and Maresyd, thank you...it feels pretty good. Rob, I think you're right. I can't imagine right now what it will be like to have no drama or the constant tension, but I am looking forward to finding out. Although I have to tell you all, the look on his face when I told him about the plane ticket? It was ......PRICELESS.....!!! A cross somewhere between shock and "oh s#$t". He can't believe I did it, he wants to know how I could spend all that money without telling him. REALLY?????????? It was all I could do not to laugh in his face. But it's Friday and the sun is out, it is supposed to be 70 degrees here. I will spend my day trying to "chase joy".

Last edited by JJ1966 (March 24, 2017 9:12 am)

**Posted by Rob** March 24, 2017 12:18 pm

Good deal JJ. I try to find joy in anything I can but the weather is not the best by me.

One cannot put a dollar value on some things.
My flight away from TGT transcends money..it could have been done so much cheaper but to be away from such hurt and treatment to me is priceless.
After a long week I intend to have a glass of wine to celebrate JK's freedom (um I mean divorce)and get some much needed relaxation time.
No one to make me feel guilty for relaxing..no one to expect grand plans for the weekend...just calmness and peace.