OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / I'm sure it's wrong but it feels so right.

**Posted by iamthelorax** November 26, 2016 3:26 pm

Happy post-Thanksgiving to all, once again feel the need to share recent experiences. A bit of background for the non-Canadians...here in Canada, the Federal government sends a monthly cheque to help parents. The amount you get per month depends on your income and how many kids you have. As a nice sexist move on their part, these cheques are sent to the mother by default and if the father wants his half, it takes some legal BS to be taken care of and literally requires the mother to sign in on this unless you're ready to lawyer up.

It came to me last night that we're far enough along in the month, I should have heard from my ex to send me my half. I texted her about it and this morning received a response that she used the money to help pay for expenses from her son (from a previous relationship) who became schizophrenic and is on welfare. Her income from a little side business isn't what it once was and she needed it.

Now in a bubble, this is a perfect reasonable thing to say and probably would have prompted me to let it go. But "reasonable" is not what this woman is. She makes a higher salary than me, she has the side business (which is more than the 0 I make on the side) and her live-in girlfriend has been sharing expenses with her for over three years despite the timing she chooses to tell me. AND!!!!!!!! To top it all off, she and her girlfriend went to the Dominican Republic for a week earlier this month. I know because I watched the kids for an extra couple days while she was down south.

So instead of just accepting her sad story, I told her right the F off. I reminded her all about our financial differences and told her I wasn't about to finance her vacations while I work hard to balance my own budget. I'm going to send her another rotten text asking her when I'll get my money. I'm sure it's "wrong" but I don't care, I'm tired of her crap.

I have to be honest, this feels so good. Not because of the money, I have serious doubts I'll ever see it. The fun part is I know that a year ago I would have actually felt sorry for her but now I'm immune to her manipulations.

**Posted by lily** November 26, 2016 4:34 pm

yeah. congratulations. I continue to enjoy that feeling of immunity. I find it has stood me in good stead with people I have met since as well as in getting away from my ex.

**Posted by Rob** November 26, 2016 7:41 pm

Yes.. if their lips are moving they are lying.. Best case there is small grain of truth in what they say but they exaggerate.. So maybe she really did use the money for her son..but probably not all of it.

That really stinks about that check ..can you not get it changed?..no matter how much the lawyer cost begging or asking these spouses for anything is a like asking a robber to give you your money back.
To have no contact with my ex over money I would pay a lawyer a lot..

**Posted by iamthelorax** November 26, 2016 8:40 pm

I don't doubt she pays the money she says to support him. I pay for some of his bills as well, that's not entirely the issue. The issue is she used *my* money to offset the cost of her holiday and that's not ok. To top it off, she never thought to call me and be up front about it but she did text me a few days earlier to ask for help because she just bought him winter boots. It's sneaky, disrespectful behaviour and she doesn't get to play sad and ask for empathy.

**Posted by Kel** November 28, 2016 1:18 pm

II don't think it's "wrong" to get what you're entitled to. No way, no how. And I'm sorry, but her son from a prior relationship isn't yours to support. If she can afford to vacation, then she doesn't get to cry about not having enough money. Period. She KNOWS that. She's just hoping to guilt you into letting her have it. Let her know that shit won't fly with you.

Go get this separated out so you don't have to deal with her anymore over it. It'll be well worth the time, effort, and money spent. You don't need to feel like you're at her mercy anymore. You ended that charade.

Kel

**Posted by vicky** November 28, 2016 1:44 pm

Hi,
I'm a Canadian in Ontario. Child tax benefit does by default go to the mother. Do you share custody or does she have full custody. When it was UCCB if you share custody and you share financial responsibilities of the kids then you should get it 6 months of the year and she gets it the other 6 months. The CRA doesn't split it each month. Since they changed it from UCCB to CTB in July I don't know if those rules have changed but it's possible. Why don't you call the CRA and ask them how to go about getting your share. They're fairly helpful when you call. But you must file your taxes for 2015 first if you haven't already. Is there a custody agreement where she is required to share it? If so keep track of when she pays you and how much.

Also careful sending angry texts/emails/voicemails it could be considered harassment. It sucks but that's the way it is, try to keep your texts civil.

Vicky

**Posted by iamthelorax** November 28, 2016 3:57 pm

There's no official agreement, unfortunately I don't even have the paperwork to prove we were married. It was never filed to the government and the church has no record of it.It's like we were common law but 2 lawyers are unable to confirm yet.