OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Milestones to being 'healed & moved on'?

**Posted by Paul2024** July 7, 2025 7:41 am

Wondering what milestones signal that you’ve essentially “healed and moved on” from the straight spouse trauma-drama?

For context:
My D-Day was about 15 months ago. We are currently ending a long 24-year marriage with kids. I had no idea my spouse was gay—disclosure only came after signs of a new love interest. There were many missed red flags. But I wanted to heal and move on after the period of personal devastation I experienced.

(I understand respectfully that those who’ve recently experienced D-Day or are in MOMs may find it hard to even imagine wanting these milestones.)

Here’s what I’ve identified so far as possible markers of healing:

Accepting that the marriage is over in its current form
Changing living arrangements or moving out
No longer feeling responsible for your spouse’s happiness
Falling out of love
Prioritizing your own needs and time
Acknowledging your role in missing red flags or staying in denial—and learning from it
Meeting new people
Discovering new personal interests or hobbies
Liking your new self & life
Finalizing the divorce
Being intimate with someone new—without thoughts of your ex or guilt
Starting a romantic relationship with long-term potential
Accepting that there were good times in your marriage & it wasn't all an illusion
New understanding of your ex's character that you're now better equipped to deal with them
Feeling some level of forgiveness, compassion & understanding to genuinely wish your ex well in the future
Thinking about what happened brings little or no emotional reaction
Days go by when you don’t even think about it
Establishing some form of new normal friendship or respectful connection with your ex
Even feeling somewhat grateful it happened—because you’re free from something that wasn’t right for you & you know you've grown in a fundamental way

Anything missing or are these wide of the mark?

Last edited by Paul2024 (July 7, 2025 7:43 am)

**Posted by Blackie563** July 7, 2025 8:25 am

I think it varies for each individual. The list is good. For me, I knew when I had moved on initially, when I stopped taking anti-anxiety medication. I had been on it for the duration of the time I was with my ex wife, 23 years in total. Took 2 weeks before I went off of them once I went no contact. I know I continue to be well because her words, continued gaslighting, childlike behavior have no impact on me. No reaction (other than annoyance occasionally) Focus on yourself, your growth, what you want and you will attract someone similar (if thats what you want). I wasnt looking, but found what I always wanted, but never had.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** July 7, 2025 12:54 pm

The biggest most important milestone to reach was putting myself first. Realising that, with a bisexual partner even if I did stay with him, it would mean I would always know I could never be the person he really secretly wanted me to be, and spent years trying to make me. Because he would always have that secret itch for a man, even if he never got to fuck one and fulfill the fantasy that ended us.

Not expecting him to accept and apologise for being who he is was another big stepping stone for me. It has allowed me to move forward.

Elle

**Posted by freedmyself** July 7, 2025 2:36 pm

Cool to see your list, Paul! I agree that it's highly individual. The connecting theme through many of these milestones seems to be the ability to untie yourself from the person you were married to and to center yourself in your own life.

I really like your last one, feeling grateful that it happened because you're free. For me, a major milestone was realizing that I truly was better off without him.

Similar to Elle, to your list I would add:
Accepting that I'm never going to get an apology or a decent explanation of what happened.

Part of my healing is not expecting to ever be completely healed.

Last edited by freedmyself (July 7, 2025 2:37 pm)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** July 7, 2025 5:50 pm

freedmyself wrote:
....
Part of my healing is not expecting to ever be completely healed.....

So sad and so true Freed 😞

E

**Posted by lily** July 7, 2025 6:16 pm

Hi Paul,

Sincere congratulations on getting so far down the process of detachment already but don't forget you are still in the thick of it.

At the moment you are hoping to maintain a cooperative relationship but at the end of the day you are going to be splitting your assets - the partnership is breaking up and it can be brutal.

The only thing between me and the people I have met who go abused all over again in the divorce is that I was so lucky in getting a good lawyer. She pointed out to me that he was being both emotionally and financially abusive to me and gave me a figure - this is what the court will award, try to stick to that. I got pretty close. But at the end of the day I am leaving a beautiful lamp in the hallway for him so he can feel comforted and he is taking my best linen and putting it on his bed so I wont take it.

.

**Posted by Str8Mom** July 7, 2025 10:19 pm

Great list!

I can't put into words exactly... but just this feeling inside of relief... that it is over, peace that he is gone and I don't have to deal with it anymore.
That horrible hurt in my heart is gone, I'm happy now.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** July 9, 2025 2:16 pm

I was lying in bed this morning thinking about this topic and perhaps the most personally relevant milestone, in my own situation where often there was often a lack of honesty & communication from A....was being able to be totally honest with him and tell him I no longer loved him, no longer wanted to share his bed (or body).

It really was a milestone of strength.

Elle

**Posted by lily** July 16, 2025 4:01 pm

Great list and some great replies.

I think the most shocking moment for me was when the divorcee agreement was signed and I moved into my new home, after one night's sleep I woke up and the anxiety in the pit of my stomach, that I had lived with so long I thought it was a part of who I was had disappeared and I realised it had actually been a gut feeling response to his proximity. Not a personal problem as I had believed.

**Posted by Rob** July 17, 2025 7:48 am

lily wrote:
Great list and some great replies.

I think the most shocking moment for me was when the divorcee agreement was signed and I moved into my new home, after one night's sleep I woke up and the anxiety in the pit of my stomach, that I had lived with so long I thought it was a part of who I was had disappeared and I realised it had actually been a gut feeling response to his proximity. Not a personal problem as I had believed.

Yes like a load of bricks taken off your chest.