Posted by TheLeftBehind  June 20, 2025 7:02 pm | #1 |
I (43M) and my (30F) partner been together for 11 years unmarried, and we have a 7 year old daughter. On April 29th, 2025 My partner told me she is a lesbian and broke up with me right there. I was so blindsided by this, I never saw any signs of this coming.
We both do not make enough money for either one of us to move out, and I really wanted to try to stay at least as friends and as roommates for our daughters sake. Not even a week later while I was in so much pain and in hell, my partner found a new person on a discord LBGTQA.
She mention that she was just looking for friends and that was all that it was. Fast forward a few days and she started going out all night with this person after work. Ignoring our daughters and mines request to come home to help our daughter go to sleep. This person and her were now friends with benefits and were in some kind of poly relationship.
This continue for awhile, causing more suffering and problems for our daughter and I, she kept lying about when she would be at home. One morning I came across something in the our bathroom and ask my partner about it and she told me the person she was seeing was a Trans Woman with their male parts still there. I consider myself an Ally, but this really really hurt me a lot.
As this continue my partner started spending less time and focus on our daughter and I, and more lying. She became so cold and mean towards me that I couldn't handle it anymore. We got into a big fight and she moved out.
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Posted by Rob June 20, 2025 7:15 pm | #2 |
So sorry. Its a shock and trauma for sure..the gay and then discard.
As tough as it is.. Read the first aid kit. Build a support system..your daughter will need a string dad and parent in this time..and she is not it.
Wishing strength and fortitude in this difficult time.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
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Posted by TheLeftBehind June 20, 2025 7:17 pm | #3 |
Thank you Rob!
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz June 20, 2025 10:10 pm | #4 |
TheLeftBehind wrote:
...... We got into a big fight and she moved out.
Okay.....she's moved out and you've been to see a lawyer right? Your daughter has one unselfish parent so you are going to have to put all the negative emotion you feel towards your daughter's mother and start making plans to make sure neither of you lose out....financially, materialistically, emotionally. Your daughter is too young to fully understand but be age-appropriately honest with her because everything she sees and hears will be going into her thought processes and she'll need your support to understand what's happening.
A transwoman, with a penis.....is a man. Always will be, it doesn't matter how much lipstick he's wearing.
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by OutofHisCloset June 21, 2025 7:49 am | #5 |
I'm sure I am not alone in having a trans-identifying husband who in order to serve his new gender identity re-defined himself from heterosexual man to lesbian woman and me from heterosexual woman to lesbian one.
Your wife may be saying she's a lesbian to cater to this trans-identified male's delusion he is a woman and a lesbian.
In other words, two heterosexual people are in a relationship they call a lesbian relationship. Sounds like cheating with a twist to me.
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Posted by Netjer June 23, 2025 1:02 pm | #6 |
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had a similar experience—after 18 years of marriage, we had a fight, and she told me she had repressed feelings. Just like that, it was over. No discussion, no space to explore it together—just, "I need this marriage to end so I can figure out what this repression means."
My wife seems to be carrying a lot of shame and guilt—but honestly, I think a lot of it is ego protection. She’s adamant that we not tell our families or even our children about her sexuality. She says it’s not the right time, or there’s “nothing to talk about yet,” but to me, it feels like avoidance and image control.Being blindsided has been the hardest part. She's clearly been checked out for years, and she’s just… ready to move on. I told her she needs to give me time. I've had a month to process. By her own admission, she’s known for at least 10 years.I really feel for your daughter (and for you). At first, my wife said she only wanted a studio apartment and had no plans for the kids to stay over. I pushed back hard—how would that make the kids feel, knowing she didn’t even make space for them? I suggested they could help her choose furniture, so the space would feel like theirs too. She said maybe—but then added that after so many years living with others, she needed a place that “reflected her.”
It’s those kinds of comments that gut me. It’s not just the role of wife she wants to leave behind—it’s the role of mother, too. And when I call her on it, she often denies ever saying those things. Thank god my therapist has me journaling. I go back and read entries to remind myself: no, I didn’t misinterpret this. She really did say it. It’s been a lifeline when the narrative keeps shifting.
My heart breaks for you and your daughter. You’re not alone in this.
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Posted by lily June 23, 2025 8:38 pm | #7 |
condolences to the opening poster, TheLeftBehind, that must have been horrible. Wishing you all the best.
Netjer, I am wondering - maybe you can view her wanting to stay in the closet as putting a bargaining chip in your hand?
Tacitly I did a deal with my ex that I wouldn't talk to his family and friends - it helped gain his cooperation in the divorce. Not that it stopped me talking with others - I just needed to.
My reading of your situation is that it sounds quite likely she already has a girlfriend - and though currently wants to keep it all secret, things could change.
