Posted by Butterflyangel123xo  June 10, 2025 5:17 am | #1 |
Me and my husband of 1.5 years have barely had any sex throughout the course of our marriage. He would reject me constantly when I tried to initiate. Sex became forced and he was struggling to get/maintain an erection.
I felt completely undesired. This led me to question why he will not have sex with me.
In addition to this, we have experienced major issues due to the conflict his mother (we were live with his parents for 1.5 years) has caused throughout our marriage. She is a covert narcissist and drove a wedge between us. This has been pivotal in destroying any emotional connection which we had.
Fast forward, we now have our own place but upon the first few months, the no sex issues persisted. This led me to check his phone secretly.
I found out that he had arranged an appointment with a trans (M2F) escort one late evening at 11pm. He was due to meet his friend for dinner (which was true) and had arranged the appointment to take place afterwards. The appointment did not go ahead as I know his friend cancelled the dinner that evening and my husband came home straight after work as normal.
He was also asking the trans escort for pictures to be sent to him.
This is making me question if he is a gay in the closet?
What are your thoughts?
***Important info***
Since the discovery which I found, I confronted him straight away. He said it was a mistake, a path he does not want to go down and will never happen again. I told him I am divorcing him and he cried and cried and said he is not gay and was a mistake. We have had several conversations since and communication is now better. Our sex life has also drastically improved, as well as our emotional connection.
I am torn between thinking, is he feeling better that is has come out in the open as a weight of him or is he just trying to bury repressed feelings? He seems genuinely happy in a way I have never seen him. He appears lighter and happier within himself. This is also contributing to our relationship improving.
What are your thoughts?
Thanks so much
Last edited by Butterflyangel123xo (June 10, 2025 5:17 am)
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Posted by lily June 10, 2025 3:02 pm | #2 |
Hi Butterfly, just to be straightforward about this, after reading your post I am left with the strong impression that your husband and mother in law are both in the closet.
My advice is to run - run like your hair is on fire was a saying often used on the old version of this forum but I will change it to run with determination, run as fast as you can, don't stick around for the mighty hissy fits that are coming as he tries to suppress the queen inside him.
Don't stick around for the underhanded competition as he tries to be the alpha woman in the house.
My thoughts re current status is that he is back to wooing you and have to say quite possible he has managed to connect with another MtF which is making him feel happy.
He says it won't happen again, it's not the path he wants to go down but think about it - does he have any choice?
Do hope you have family or friends you can talk to, who will support you.
Your love is real but the man you fell in love with is an illusion.
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Posted by Ruth12 June 10, 2025 8:56 pm | #3 |
I don't know if he's gay, but I do know that he's someone who is willing to hire prostitutes behind his wife's back. He's lied to you, he either has or was planning on stealing from you (using marital funds for a hooker), and he apparently has no ethical qualms about paying for sex, either. Any one of those could be a marriage-ending dealbreaker.
You need STD testing and a way to protect yourself financially. Trying to wrap your head around the whole gay/trans aspect is possibly distracting you from the behaviors he's already shown you.
How are you going to feel if ten, twenty, thirty years down the road you've got some horrible disease and the retirement fund has mysteriously vanished? Or the kids' college fund? The only "happy" thing about this story is that you've found out so early on that your husband is the kind of person who is capable of lying to and robbing from those he claims to love while he plans out a double-life.
How many times have you planned to hire a hooker, as you're in this sad, emotionally disconnected, sexless marriage? How often have you solicited pictures from sex workers? I'm willing to bet NEVER, because loving spouses who care about their marriage don't do this.
This sounds like the lovebombing phase of the abuse cycle, where he is doing his very best to prevent you from leaving. I am sure he is feeling much lighter knowing that his tears and promises are effective at getting you to stick around even when you've uncovered something horrific.
Absolutely no one deserves to be married to someone who treats them like that. I'll repeat what Lily said: Your love is real but the man you fell in love with is an illusion. And he's happy to use you.
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Posted by freedmyself June 11, 2025 2:14 am | #4 |
Butterfly,
Ruth's lovebombing comment sure sounds true to me.
I'd also add that his happiness may be due to the fact that he's just had a very successful gaslighting episode. There's solid evidence of who he is, and what he's doing, and he's just talked his way out of losing his cover.
After my XGH disclosed to me, we had a series of deep conversations, better than we'd had in many years. Then a few months went by, and I realized that the content of those deep conversations was him creating cover for himself, and handing me a story(which I totally bought at the time) that turned out to be just more gaslighting. Closeted spouses who are willing to cheat on us are also going to tell us anything they think they want to hear so they can stay out of trouble/stay in the closet/avoid a divorce if that's not what they want.
Sometimes it takes some time, and physical separation, for us to realize just how badly we've been deceived.
