Getting a divorce worked wonders for my healing.  It's made it a lot easier to focus on myself and how I feel without having to spend brain space considering what he did/ is doing/ might do.  Also I worked on minimizing contact with him, even pre-divorce.  That has helped a lot. 

Also top of the list is therapy, which has helped me so much in processing my feelings and not being stuck in whatever his offense-of-the-day might be.  I'm lucky to have a great therapist. 

I had to create some decent self-care habits, and on a bad day I can usually remember to go for a walk, call a friend, or do some journalling. 

Jupiter, it would be interesting for you to ask your therapist what you're getting out of the ups and downs in your marriage instead of moving on.  Maybe there's some unexpected benefit to you that would be worth exploring in therapy?  

Also, with all due respect - wondering if maybe you don't really want a divorce? 

Jupiter1 wrote:

....... And I definitely don’t want to divorce but living in limbo is rather tough too. .....

 

You definitely don't want divorce....so if not in limbo how do you want to live?

Elle
 

Jupiter1 wrote:

Well actually Elle, I was going to reach out to you. If I remember you are in my decade, had a long marriage, and are living separately(but not formally divorced?)

Yip...38 years together, the first 20/25 yrs being happy and stable which, I think, along with our respective personalities made the breakdown and break up of our r'ship easier. Accepting and philosophical both of us. For years I felt I should be strong enough to leave...almost ashamed I stayed but as I said philosophical about my need not to be left with nothing so willing to stay in what became a friendship of convenience. We would have, could have, stayed like that forever....
We never married and looking back it would have been easy (easy? lol) to separate but still stay together financially but I thought long and hard that it would be cheating myself out of a new life. So I jumped and it's not as great as I thought but I'm adapting.

As for A. finding somebody ..yes I've thought often how awkward that would be but as we were in an open r'ship for 4 years I've known that feeling of thinking of him with somebody else and I'm sure the piece of him that was missing, that he kept from me when he was with me all those years....well he'll be keeping it from any woman he gets with.
We don't talk often but we are amicable when we do. He was never the greatest talker (I don't know if he even mentions me to any of our children), which is kinda sad, that I feel like I don't belong to anyone...even though I'm living with 2 of my sons.

My best advice would be keep busy. Even in your downtime try not to dwell on the reasons why you stay in a safe  hiatus. Just know that one day the reason why will come to you and you'll  take those steps to complete your journey. It's all about your survival through this ❤️

Elle

Edited to say....we legally separated. A. is a problem-solver,  very black and white thinking so I decided for me to have everything split down the middle legally was best.