OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Cycling

**Posted by Jupiter1** March 24, 2025 10:56 pm

Hi all. Anyone relate to cycles of trying to make it work and then crashing? I’m on my umpteenth version of this cycle in a 40 year marriage, made so much worse since my husband came out 4 years ago.

I’m having a tough time letting go. Of his familiarity. Of our finances. Of operating as a couple and family unit in the world (even though we’re separated and no one thinks we are remotely together). Of the craziness of trying to “fix” him/us. We were not intimate for years since discovery and I threw that into the mix this last time. I’m so heartbroken, & I think the intimacy did a whammy on me. It hurts more this crash maybe because of the physical/dopamine thing and maybe because I’m getting to the end of the cycling for good (I hope so). I don’t act steady with him as I do in other relationships, in this topsy turvy marriage I’m trying and crashing and raging with him.

I’m also working way too much and caring for family so really no time to start new relationships/activities. I am exercising and have a pretty good therapist. My friends are sick of the drama I think. They support me when I’m “done” and then when I try again they’re like I don’t know how to help you. Even my adult child did an intervention with me: mom let this go.

Last edited by Jupiter1 (March 24, 2025 11:30 pm)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** March 25, 2025 2:47 pm

Nobody can end this but you Jupiter. I know it.... you know it 😜

I did the cycling thing for years. It maddened me so much I had to talk myself into accepting the cycles because I just knew it would, it had to! come to an end one day.

Every straightspouse needs an adult child like yours.

E

**Posted by MarieSmith** March 25, 2025 3:09 pm

It's definitely a mindfuck.

One thing that helped me came from one of my teen kids (these wisened ones, ha!) when seeing me cry. My response to why I was crying was "because it's my husband." My kiddo said "no it's not, your husband is dead. That's just some stranger that looks like him."

Thinking about it that way really helped even through the divorce when what he was doing did not at all line up with who I knew him to be. A stranger I was forced to interact with, but who definitely didn't have my or my kids' well being as priority.

Hugs to you Jupiter -

"Marie"

**Posted by Jupiter1** March 25, 2025 9:59 pm

Thanks for your lovely messages, and for sharing hard won wisdom. You’re right Elle I know I have to take action to stop. And agreed, it’s definitely a mindf*** Marie. I’m so happy you both broke free.

**Posted by Rob** March 26, 2025 8:28 am

Mariesmith,

Wow that's a wise kid you have.

I hid what tears I could from my kids..it wasn't something thru could solve..and they were nit as wise as your kid.

**Posted by Rob** March 26, 2025 8:32 am

Jupiter1,

I think at some point we realize we cannot control or change our spouses..no more than we can control the tides and weather.

Their actions say all we need to know. I will say there are good people in the world with fierce genuine qualities.. but our spouses just aren't it.

Be kind to yourself and know that you tried.

**Posted by Jupiter1** March 26, 2025 9:14 am

I’ve been contemplating legal separation which would provide mutual support for us and our adult kids with financial needs versus full divorce (assuming I can break free of my damn cycling). The first option would be more financially protective but I’m afraid keeps me in this trying place.

For those of you farther down this path than me do you think full divorce precipitates more letting go and psychological release even if it comes with some financial pain? Or can I stay just as f***** up while divorced haha?

Thanks Rob for your reassurance that I tried … and a reminder that the shared pain here comes from trying so hard to keep our families intact. You brought tears, good ones.
Thanks all.

**Posted by Anon 765** March 26, 2025 3:43 pm

Hi Jupiter,
First, you're not f***ed up - the situation is!

I definitely felt most able to let go once the divorce was final. We were going to stay legally separated because it was slightly more beneficial to me financially in the long term, but he wound up filing for divorce very soon after he moved out to get remarried. Whatever. Once the divorce was actually final, I realized... I have no more ties to him and I can really move on.

I cycled for many years. One day I just quit trying. I hope you figure out what works best for you. Good luck!

Anon 765

**Posted by freedmyself** March 27, 2025 1:13 am

Jupiter,
Once my GXH disclosed, it was obvious to me that we needed to divorce. Once he was out to me, he went through a second adolescence that made him unrecognizable to me. So much was hidden from me while were together that I can't imagine wanting to remain married, even legally separated. For me, it's so much better to be completely free, for every aspect of my well-being. I think time away from him has definitely helped my healing but I also am actively working on getting better - I'm not sure time alone does the trick.

**Posted by Fbibarbie** April 2, 2025 8:37 pm

I found out my husband had a Grindr account and I made an appointment with an attorney the next day. My lawyer advised me to protect my finances. I filed for divorce, after 42 years of marriage. I found out through the divorce process that over the past 10 years he has swindled money from our marital accounts preparing for his disclosure day. Thank goodness my lawyer pushed for me to secure my assets. Forgery, hidden accounts, expensive purchases, fraud, etc. it’s a lot to comprehend on top of the fact I was married to a closeted sociopathic narcissist. It’s been a whirlwind year, but I hope to also be in a better mind space once I know the divorce is final. I have been married since 18 and want to enjoy being a single, independent woman.

Last edited by Fbibarbie (April 2, 2025 8:39 pm)