OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Help Questions for Straight Spouse New to This

**Posted by lily** February 5, 2025 7:52 pm

On a regular basis straight women come here because they've discovered their ex was gay - and it is always very helpful for them.

The truth of the matter matters.

**Posted by ShayLynn** February 6, 2025 6:51 am

Telling people "Why dont you just leave" and "leave" is easy to toss at others, we all stay for various reasons or have a hard time extricating ourselves from our situations, if it was as simple as "Just leave" these forums wouldnt exsist, so please be kind to those processing things. Share your own experiene, speak with "I" statements, and what YOU choose to do or learned for yourself. Each persons situation is individual and more nuanced then what you read, these people live it each and every day.I can say after all this time with my spouse, if anyone has been sympathetic, patient, and understanding and curious to learn about the other, its been me, Not my spouse.

Last edited by ShayLynn (February 6, 2025 6:58 am)

**Posted by ShayLynn** February 6, 2025 6:59 am

lily wrote:
On a regular basis straight women come here because they've discovered their ex was gay - and it is always very helpful for them.

The truth of the matter matters.

Thank you, Yes this is exactly why Im here

**Posted by Alex1984** February 6, 2025 10:04 am

ShayLynn wrote:
Telling people "Why dont you just leave" and "leave" is easy to toss at others, we all stay for various reasons or have a hard time extricating ourselves from our situations, if it was as simple as "Just leave" these forums wouldnt exsist, so please be kind to those processing things. Share your own experiene, speak with "I" statements, and what YOU choose to do or learned for yourself. Each persons situation is individual and more nuanced then what you read, these people live it each and every day.I can say after all this time with my spouse, if anyone has been sympathetic, patient, and understanding and curious to learn about the other, its been me, Not my spouse.

ShayLynn, I apologize for suggesting you leave your husband, it is clearly a challenging step. I also have ASD and am overly direct. I was trying to point out that you don't need to know his sexuality to make this decision. All you need to know is that your needs are not being met (and that you already did your best to communicate them). Good luck!

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** February 6, 2025 2:23 pm

Alex1984 wrote:
. .,..You think you are dealing with a Mindfuck? Trust me, your partners have been struggling with the same Mindfuck their entire lives. I don't suggest you should write off the lies, the gaslighting and the deception they may have put you through, but a little empathy towards their Mindfuck could actually be liberating.....

"...a little empathy towards their Mindfuck could actually be liberating..."

🤣 You're on the Support board not the MOM

E

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** February 6, 2025 2:29 pm

ShayLynn wrote:
Telling people "Why dont you just leave" and "leave" is easy to toss at others, we all stay for various reasons or have a hard time extricating ourselves from our situations, if it was as simple as "Just leave" these forums wouldnt exsist, so please be kind to those processing things.....

20 years ago I learned my former partner was bisexual. The last 6 years with him were the dig deep decision-making years.
I say it all the time because it's true "this is a marathon not a sprint". No it's not easy.

Elle

**Posted by ShayLynn** February 6, 2025 4:53 pm

Alex1984 wrote:
ShayLynn wrote:
Telling people "Why dont you just leave" and "leave" is easy to toss at others, we all stay for various reasons or have a hard time extricating ourselves from our situations, if it was as simple as "Just leave" these forums wouldnt exsist, so please be kind to those processing things. Share your own experiene, speak with "I" statements, and what YOU choose to do or learned for yourself. Each persons situation is individual and more nuanced then what you read, these people live it each and every day.I can say after all this time with my spouse, if anyone has been sympathetic, patient, and understanding and curious to learn about the other, its been me, Not my spouse.
ShayLynn, I apologize for suggesting you leave your husband, it is clearly a challenging step. I also have ASD and am overly direct. I was trying to point out that you don't need to know his sexuality to make this decision. All you need to know is that your needs are not being met (and that you already did your best to communicate them). Good luck!

Alex, I appreciate that, thank you for the follow up comment

**Posted by lily** February 7, 2025 11:29 am

Alex1984 wrote:
You think you are dealing with a Mindfuck? Trust me, your partners have been struggling with the same Mindfuck their entire lives.

This was my ex husband's excuse as well. Or rather, the way he'd put it was "I never asked to be born"

I think the mindfuck has been around as long as same sex attraction has. yes, back into the mists of time.

From a woman's perspective - I want to have sex with that man, I want to have children - no mindfuck. But if she is gay it's I want to have sex with that woman, I want to have children - mindfuck.

Simple as that really, though over the centuries there's been a lot of adaptations to handle the mindfuck.

Alex I think you'll find that straight spouses are generally very sympathetic and don't need to be told to have empathy.

Last edited by lily (February 7, 2025 12:10 pm)

**Posted by Blackie563** February 7, 2025 3:09 pm

Agree Lily. I know this is mostly from women finding out their husbands are gay. I am a straight guy whose ex wife never actually cared for me and lied for 23 years. Empathy is one of my top traits, but not for her. If I did, I can promise you I'd still be stuck. Once the truth came out, I no longer feel any obligation to be "empathetic towards someone who had me on very strong anti-anxiety meds for 23 years only to come off of them within 2 weeks of going no/low contact with her.

I recognize every situation is different. For me, yeah, I certainly do not need to be told on the straight spouse support page to be more empathetic to my ex who literally tried (and continues to this day) to ruin my life and make it harder.

**Posted by lily** February 7, 2025 4:35 pm

thanks Blackie. Totally agree about the straight husbands being empathetic. totally. Look around you will see the best straight men as well as the best straight women usually have GID spouses.

the damage they inflict on their loving kindhearted gorgeous straight spouse is unending and I too feel decidedly unsympathetic towards my ex. I too suffered from anxiety and got medicated for it at one stage which did me no good, only to discover that the anxiety went away overnight once I was in my new home.

I do think that sometimes the fear straight spouses feel at the thought of leaving is not so much about the unknown future they face as it is fear of facing up to the reality of the person they married.

But really wow my life changed when I did. Just fundamentally, in that moment I got myself back. From there on it was like digging myself out of a very deep pit. But I was very determined!