Hello ShayLynn - I am not sure of any good books to share. Based on my experience with a GID EX-husband and stories in this forum, there is not much that will help a GID partner to 'admit' or 'come clean' or 'discover' he is really gay IF he doesn't want to. I believe the question is, are you happy with your marriage? Can you tell your partner your concerns? If you express your emotional and physical needs, do they have the capacity and will to change?

Honestly - if there was anyway to ever get a GID spouse to tell the truth, I would love to hear it. I still have no idea what the "truth" is...close to 20 years of marriage, and now almost 3 years into him being a total douche canoe during the divorce process.

After he blind sided me, I asked to sit down and have a conversation. He refused. I asked if he could then do a phone call, or even write it down. Just give me a timeline of what the hell happened (since I honestly had absolutely no clue and it's a real mind fuck to find out your entire adult life was a lie). He couldn't. 

What will always stick with me, when I asked him why the hell it was so hard to actually communicate with me (you know, his loyal and loving wife of 20 years) is that he told me he couldn't put it into words, or didn't know what to say, didn't know how to explain it.

All I could think is, why don't you just tell the truth? How hard is it to just be honest and say what happened? But he couldn't even do that for me, he had zero empathy and refused to do anything. I hate him for that. I hate the fact that only he knows the truth about our marriage and he's perfectly fine to leave me with all the unanswered questions, doubt and unknowns.

It's a hell of a lot harder to make up this elaborate tale and lie for decades...normal people don't do this.

Any healthy relationship, where a spouse has realized they have a different sexual orientation, that I have heard about were ones where there was open communication. Legitimate apologies. No cheating and lies. And a genuine desire from both spouses to take care of each other, no matter what happened.

If you are in a relationship where you are trying to figure out if your spouse is gay, and coming up with plans to try to pry a confession out of them because they refuse to communicate, it isn't going to end well. Straight spouses in these situations are the kindest, most amazing people I have ever seen. They are truly empathetic and they neglect themselves to support their LGBTQ spouse, while this spouse craps all over them. In the end, the LGBTQ demonizes the straight spouse and you end up on this page - confused, broken, lacking self esteem, and trying to figure out what you did in life to deserve any of this.

What do you want? Are you happy? If you think your spouse is GID - why? Is this a healthy relationship? Have you tried just asking them? Would you believe their response if you asked them? There is just so much about these situations that is wildly unhealthy for a loving adult relationship. I suggest really looking at the why in all of this. What do you hope to accomplish in this? And, if you can, I recommend doing some individual counselling, to take care of yourself.

I am a couple of weeks into this with my wife. It is similarly difficult to get any answers from her on how long have you known, when did you give up on this marriage, etc. I get the sense that she would rather just not talk about it and move on from me. I have been extremely expressive about what I am going through emotionally, but have largely stopped sharing it with her at this point because I feel like I’m getting nothing back. Instead I have lots of great conversations with friends and family.

I am gradually learning to cope with the reality that my deep questions may never be answered, and if she did answer I don’t know that I would trust it anyway.

So, I have to ask - what in having autism is similar to a man being gay in denial?

ShayLynn - my follow-up question is did he ever show physical and emotional intimacy?