Posted by Matemp22  December 24, 2024 11:38 pm | #1 |
My husband (46m) of 22 years told me on October 13th that he was gay. We have 2 children (22f & 20m) and I’m so confused. He tells me he loved(s) the way my best friend does. Which makes no sense to me because I’ve never had sex with my best friend.
We’ve been living together as roommates, him in the spare bedroom since his revelation to the kids and I.
His coming out started with me finding out he ran up $7k in credit card charges on a porn site while I was on a weekend girls trip. This devastated me because we haven’t been intimate in years due to his impotence because of diabetes and high blood pressure and his general poor health.
From there things just started spiraling and here we are. I filed for divorce yesterday, after waiting for him to do it the last two months. Our state has a 60 day waiting period and I didn’t want to be married on wedding anniversary on 2/23.
I feel very lost and alone. I’ve cried more in the last two months than I have in 47 years. Part of me feels horrible for him, that he had to live with this secret his entire life and part of me is EXTREMELY angry that he used me, and lied to our kids and I for so long.
What do I do?
I do I heal from this?
The thing I cry over the most is now it feels like my idea of what love is, is tainted and how will I ever know if someone really loves me or how will I trust someone again?
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Posted by Anon 765 December 25, 2024 1:28 pm | #2 |
Hi Matemp22,
I am sorry you find yourself here. It's not an easy situation to be in, and you are not alone. Separation and divorce are hard enough without the complication of someone revealing such a big secret that calls so many things into question.
You are doing all the right things - hopefully you have seen a lawyer to help you through the divorce process. And you are grieving, and reaching out. The pain will pass slowly, but it will pass and you will heal from this.
I know how you feel about not trusting someone again after such a betrayal. But you will slowly begin to rediscover yourself, and you will learn to trust again. You were betrayed. It's normal to doubt right now.
I hope you have a friend or two to confide it. You can also read posts here and post as much as you need to. We've all been through this in one way or another and we understand what you are going through.
Best wishes,
Anon 765
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Posted by lily December 26, 2024 4:37 pm | #3 |
Hi Matemp,
congrats on facing this up with such strength and courage.
Good questions to have. Right now you need to stand strong for the settlement - way too many empathetic people find themselves with an extra serve of financial abuse to deal with on the back of the divorce.
You care about the difficulties he faces in his life, do you think he cares about what he's done to you? any sign of any empathy from him coming your way?
Nothing can undo the impact he has had on your life and there is much to grieve in that, but recognising he's emotionally abusive - that you are in pain from bruising that will fade once you are away from him - helps a lot.
When I divorced I got hit on by a couple of old friends who it turned out fancied me but not a two way street and that was the end of the friendships from their perspective. Then came the closet dudes - for some reason they think you are a good chance, I remember just saying to this guy look I think you'd be better off looking for a nice man. omg he could not disappear fast enough. But love with a straight man is completely different though. Imagine being loved back! Sadly I did not get to build a new life with my guy but I could not value him more.
