OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Heartbroken

**Posted by mm3** October 4, 2024 6:17 pm

I am so sad.

I am in the process of separating. They now identify as having GDD and are MTF. It is a shock after a long relationship.

We have 3 young kids. They want 50/50. And where we live, I will have to fight so hard for that to NOT be. If both parents want 50/50, it has to be really awful for a judge or anyone else to deny 50% custody to either parent.

I work outside the home but my kids are still my life. They are a part of me. I provide for them more in every aspect of their lives. The thought of not seeing them for 5 days at a time is breaking my heart. I start crying every time I think about being away from them. I know it is what is going to happen. I can fight tooth and nail and it still won't make a difference except result in a horrible relationship with my ex who I will still have to co-parent with.

I am so angry. He cheated and lied and emotionally and financially abused me for years. The only thing I did wrong was fall in love with the person I thought he was. It is so unfair that I am being punished.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** October 4, 2024 7:00 pm

MM3....re 50/50 custody, your young children have 2 parents. You'd be doing them and yourself a disservice by not letting them have equal time with you both. As hard as that may be you'd only be making a rod for your own back, in the future, when your children ask you about the time they didn't have with their father.

Not fighting tooth and nail (which would tire you out anyway right?) is a good decision. You'll need to fight smarter, not harder.

Do you have a good lawyer?

Elle

**Posted by Supernova** October 4, 2024 7:31 pm

You're right that it isn't fair. It's not fair to you or your children. I feel the same way, but you can't focus on what is outside your control or you'll drive yourself crazy.

Are you still negotiating the custody agreement, if so try for one with shorter periods so you're not away as long.

I'm sorry I know how painful this is, I'm currently missing my little girls terribly.

**Posted by mm3** October 4, 2024 9:15 pm

I have a lawyer, who is willing to fight if that's what I want. I just know (like you said Elle) it's going to be me expending money and energy in something that I probably won't win in the long run. And I know what's best for the kids is to have 2 involved parents. My dad walked away after my parents divorced and it hurt, even though I was much older. It still hurts. It's just hard to lose my kids every second Christmas and every second weekend and a bunch of weekdays. Also hard to co parent with someone who is so selfish and self involved. I have to explain everything and spell everything out or my kids will suffer. I keep reminding myself that maybe one day with time, my ex will become the parent my kids deserve. And if he doesn't, eventually the kids will be able to make their own decisions about who they want to spend time with. All I can do is be the best co parent and mom I can be. Even though it is breaking me right now.

**Posted by mm3** October 4, 2024 9:18 pm

Supernova, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I have 2 little girls too and a little boy. It's so so so hard when they are this young. I wish I could stay just so I don't have to give them up 50% of the time, but I will not survive if I do. It's been a terrible 3 years and as hard as this is, I know it's the best path forward for me and for them. I can't stay with someone who doesn't love or respect me.

**Posted by Anon 765** October 5, 2024 5:13 pm

Hi mm3,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's good that you have a lawyer and are thinking about how you want to spend your time and money dealing with this.

Your kids will notice and appreciate the stable life they have when they are with you.

Anon 765

**Posted by Rob** October 7, 2024 10:02 am

Mm3

Yes you did nothing wrong. The law doesn't see things in a fair way.

Do all you can for the kids and know that God is looking down and sees the difference between wrong and right. Your soon to be ex will have to answer in the next life ...in this life he is also entitled to half the debts and is responsible financially for the kids also.

**Posted by miriam80** May 2, 2025 11:32 pm

Hey MM3, how are you? I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s been 6 months since your post. How are things now?

**Posted by Momof3-Transwidow** May 3, 2025 10:25 am

I just noticed the similarities in our posts and I'm also wondering how are you doing and what has come of the custody situation?

I 100% understand how you feel. I do believe there are scenarios where 50/50 custody is unjust given what one parent has been put through. I have a lot of strong feelings around this topic.

We are still in limbo here after nearly 3 years, but on the brink of having to make a decision. Our three kids are very little (my youngest was a huge surprise and is only 10 months old). My husband wants to begin hormones ASAP and I am coming to the conclusion that it may be destructive to my mental health to cohabitate through his transition, even if it's for the sake of my kids.

**Posted by mm3** May 3, 2025 12:47 pm

Hey everyone

I ended up with 50/50. It's hard. I miss my kids terribly when I'm not with them. My work has been amazing at letting me work more when I don't have my kids so that when I have them I can focus on them. We are nesting right now while trying to sell our house.

The most important thing is that my kids seem to be doing OK despite everything. My older 2 (ages 7 and 5) both have therapists to help them. Despite the anger between us, my ex and I both agree on putting the kids first.

My ex has not come out as trans to them, I don't know if he ever will. He has moved on with a new girlfriend. I'm worried he is doing the same thing to her he did to me, but I can't waste my time/energy on that situation.

It's hard but I know I made the right decision despite everything I have lost. I am so much happier and freer being away from this person who has gaslit me and trapped me with his lies.