OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Witchcraft, Novels, and more!!!

**Posted by lily** February 15, 2025 6:34 pm

In terms of respect it comes down to how strong the feelings are between you, if there is love from my perspective it's a form of disrespect not to acknowledge it.

Divorce is a horrible process to go through but I have to say now through it I am just grateful that it was possible to do.

**Posted by HeldHostageInHerCloset** March 14, 2025 4:23 pm

So. You know what you need to do. You have more than enough evidence. She is actively involved in her chosen path, but still lies constantly about it. You have 3 home schooled kids, one graduating this spring.

Had PI involved. Gay bar one day, a hotel the next, and a sex shop the next all while texting the same 22 year old, and going to her house before the hotel.

Do you wait til after graduation, or do you just go on and file knowing the potential devastation ahead?

**Posted by HeldHostageInHerCloset** March 26, 2025 4:31 pm

At this point, I don't know if she's careless or wants me to out her.

Gay bar posted a picture of her on a sofa with another girl talking to both their main IG page as well as their lesbian dance party page. She wasn't facing the camera directly, but sort of a pose with a clear profile and her arm tattoos showing, so no denying.

Started with a new therapist last friday, just basically covered the basics so far. Guilt from porn use and causing betrayal trauma and how that's impacted my ability to act on this. At the end of the day, the results are going to be the same, this is not sustainable.

As far as filing, She doesn't seem to know how much I know yet. Do I just file and have her served, or do I sit down with her first knowing that regardless of what she says, I've got to carry through?

Last edited by HeldHostageInHerCloset (March 26, 2025 4:32 pm)

**Posted by lily** March 26, 2025 6:06 pm

Hi Held,

Divorce is horrible nothing can prepare you - you have the instinctive knowledge to know how to proceed but basically don't blunder into this being nice about it, that's not a good move as we find out, I think most of us are thinking oh how will our stbx respond, can we help them but actually we should be thinking my stbx is going to do their best to get anything and everything off me they can.

Take a deep breath, plot your course. It's a lawyer you need now. My lawyer gave me a figure she said this is what family court will award you try to keep to it, and I did pretty well though I conceded a bit in the ensuing negotiations which my ex and I did by email - that worked well.

all the best, Lily

ps do you see your porn use in the light of having been in your marriage all this time? how guilty do you need to feel?

Last edited by lily (March 26, 2025 6:13 pm)

**Posted by Rob** March 27, 2025 7:21 am

Held,

Sad, but not surprised, that per your thread title there is "more'. Always more.. horrible stuff. But at least you know what to expect and what she is all about.

I'm like 9 years divorced now and while it was difficult to go through I thank God everyday to not be married to plotting and scheming partner who had new schemes of hurt every day. There is a peace, a solace, a safety in knowing when you get up in the morning there is no one actively plotting to hurt you more.

Be stoic and consistent for your kids, plan your exit. When ready simply tell her its over. Sadly many of her problems will need to remain her problems and not your's to solve. Their are consequences to cheating in a marriage...this they know, and they do it anyway. There is a pomp and circumstance to divorcing/separating...its a formal conclusion...these spouses left us long ago.

Wishing you strength, courgage and Christianity (as opposed to witchcraft).

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** March 27, 2025 1:48 pm

HeldHostageInHerCloset wrote:
Do I just file and have her served, or do I sit down with her first knowing that regardless of what she says, I've got to carry through?

She will hold you hostage until you stop thinking about how she is going to respond and carry on with the path you have already decided on.

In my opinion she doesn't deserve forewarning but be prepared for any adverse reaction. Be calm. Be strong.

Elle

**Posted by freedmyself** March 29, 2025 4:14 pm

I'm unclear about the purpose behind sitting down with her before you file. She's not going to magically change if you tell her that you're about to file for divorce. I'm thinking about the "potential devastation ahead" that you mentioned in an earlier post. It's an interesting way to look at things - seems like you've already been devastated.

In my case, before the GXH disclosed, I felt like something was different about him and spent So Much Energy wondering where he was, and what he was doing, and who he was doing it with, and why he wouldn't talk to me. I'm so very relieved post-split to have that energy back, to think about me, and where I want to go, and do, and be with.

You filing for divorce isn't the devastation - it's her choices and her betrayal. You're just getting untangled from her mess.

**Posted by Supernova** April 4, 2025 4:59 am

HeldHostageInHerCloset wrote:
As far as filing, She doesn't seem to know how much I know yet. Do I just file and have her served, or do I sit down with her first knowing that regardless of what she says, I've got to carry through?

First off I would listen to what your lawyer and therapist's advice. Now she doesn't deserve any kindness or thoughtfulness at this point, but I think it may be helpful to set the stage for coparenting and keep her amicable. I think the fact that I was able to end my marriage amicably helped my children. It certainly saved me in legal fees and sped up the process. I would sit down with her and tell her that you've noticed that seems unhappy with the marriage and that you've been unhappy with it as well. That you don't feel like either of you can be who you truly want to be if you stay in the marriage, and holding each other back isn't love. Tell her you want to end things in as loving a way as possible, for each other, and for your children. I would not air any grievances, that will do nothing except make her mad and defensive. You want to give her a golden bridge to walk her butt out of your life.

Last edited by Supernova (April 4, 2025 5:38 am)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** April 4, 2025 11:47 am

Supernova wrote:
........
You want to give her a golden bridge to walk her butt out of your life.

Likes*

**Posted by HeldHostageInHerCloset** April 4, 2025 11:00 pm

Supernova wrote:
HeldHostageInHerCloset wrote:
As far as filing, She doesn't seem to know how much I know yet. Do I just file and have her served, or do I sit down with her first knowing that regardless of what she says, I've got to carry through?

I would not air any grievances, that will do nothing except make her mad and defensive. You want to give her a golden bridge to walk her butt out of your life.

Super, I think that's ultimately the tightrope I have to walk. I'll see what the lawyer says next week. I believe right now, I've got enough to avoid alimony and likely get majority custody, So those grievances may have to come out regardless. Though a shorter cheaper process would be nice, it may be worth the fight. But... that may just be inexperience talking.