OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / boyfriend came out as trans and looking for support

**Posted by looking4support** July 28, 2024 9:32 am

Hi everyone. My boyfriend came out as transgender to me last week (mtf). We've been dating for over 4 years - we started dating in one place, then did long distance for 1.5 years because I had to move away for grad school, and he moved in with me last year. Living together has been incredible and we adopted a dog about 3 months ago. While living with him, my mental health has been the strongest it has been in years, and I had envisioned this amazing future together eventually as husband and wife.

I am stuck in terms of what to do right now. I love him so much and cannot imagine a future without him in it. Yet at the same time, I recognize that the 'him' that I know will be changing very soon (he's started HRT and plans on changing names/pronouns). I want nothing but to support him because I cannot imagine the struggles he has been going through, but at the same time I am grieving and don't think I am attracted to females. He also has minimal support - we have been spending these past few days still living together which I think is hurting us both but also comforting and feels necessary right now. I also do not have much support in the area that we live. Do you all have any advice on how to proceed and thoughts on what our options are for our future together? Or can anyone relate and share how they handled this process?

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** July 28, 2024 2:46 pm

looking4support wrote:
..... .... He also has minimal support -....... I also do not have much support ....

I'm not sure of your ages but neither of you having support will only make you each others sounding board and shoulder to lean/cry/rage on and will give (you especially) no outlet to express how you really feel about the person you love becoming somebody else.

It is critical that you talk to somebody who cares about you and has your best interests at heart. Your boyfriend is not that person. He will want you to affirm and celebrate who he is, not who you are.
Call a friend or family member that you know will keep your confidence. Our Forum can give you heaps of advice and support but face to face with people you know/respect is just as important.

Don't accept something that will change your life forever.

Elle

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (July 28, 2024 2:47 pm)

**Posted by Blue Bear** July 29, 2024 5:48 pm

" I had envisioned this amazing future together eventually as husband and wife." Unfortunately, he's taken that off the table.

He's changed the foundational rules of your relationship (i.e., you thought you were with a man rather than a woman), and you have no obligation to provide support to him for the rest of his life. He's been through a rough road, but that doesn't mean you have to accept spending the rest of your life with a woman and force yourself to grin and bear this reality.

My suggestion? Start planning an exit because you matter, too.

**Posted by Jupiter1** July 29, 2024 11:52 pm

You say living together might be hurting you both. Is there someplace he could go and stay so you could have breathing room? If you are still in a university town I’m sure there are counseling options and a pride center where he could easily get support, so you don’t have to bear that responsibility. Most importantly, you need time and space to clarify your thoughts and feelings. Remember to trust your instincts - you know who you are attracted to and what you need in a partner. It sounds like your boyfriend is clearly changing from who you thought you were lining up with for a future together.