OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Open Marriage - I don't get it

**Posted by Rob** May 16, 2024 9:40 pm

To me besides marriage vows it has to do with loyalty..you are either for me or against me. One cannot be both cheater and loyal spouse.
These are fairly simple morals going back thousands of years. The arrogance and selfishness of people that think these morals don't apply to them is scary and flawed thinking. Next these spouses will say its ok to kill and steal. Truly scary that they sleep soundly with this logic..

We did nothing so wrong to deserve this treatment.

**Posted by Alex1984** May 18, 2024 4:57 pm

Not unreasonable at all! I think you only agree to an open marriage if you think YOU get something out of it. Otherwise, you're right, his sexuality is not an excuse to f*ck around. It also baffles me how many couples have "open on his side" marriage. I don't understand that! If one gets the privilege, so should the other, even if they choose not to use it. My husband and I explored some dating apps individually and decided to stop, he saw the risk of me finding someone "less problematic" just as much as I saw the risk of him getting carried away with his attraction to boys. We were entirely open, he could read all my messages, and I his.

Last edited by Alex1984 (May 18, 2024 5:05 pm)

**Posted by M-Kate** May 18, 2024 5:01 pm

It's seems so strange to me. I think that some couples think that since one spouse is bi, they're entitled to have extra marital sex, or they can't be content without sex with both genders. I don't get it.

**Posted by lily** May 22, 2024 5:45 pm

I really do think that it isn't that they need to have sex with both genders to be content - the straight partner gives them a whole lifestyle they want and in the early days this is going to include sex like it or not but in order to be content they are looking to have sex with the same sex.

**Posted by Alex1984** May 22, 2024 8:28 pm

Lily, there are many bi-husbands (and even gay husbands) that are content with only having sex with their wives. Their same-sex attraction is explored and addressed in other non-sexual ways. Just as there are straight men who might fantasize about other women and remail faithful (we do believe those exist, right?). In my opinion, you can use the "lifestyle" argument, when the husband is closeted, but those who choose to openly admit their ssa do not exactly fit the "lifestyle" criteria. Unless by "lifestyle" you mean genuine, close, loving relationship with a person, who happen to be a woman and their wife - then, yes, they are choosing this lifestyle.
In my personal experience, when we started exploring my husband's fantasies, they have been primarily of guys (or me and other guys). At some stage I thought (hoped?) that he might be subconsciously repressing fantasies about other women not to insult me, so I gently encouraged them, but he really wasn't interested. Recently, however, there have been other female characters entering the scene - unprompted. So yeah... bisexuality is complex, nuanced and very different for everybody. I don't know where it will go from here, but even if it was just men he fantasized about - I ask myself - does it really matter if everything else in the relationship checks out?

**Posted by lily** May 23, 2024 5:57 pm

Hi Alex, thank you for your thoughtful response.

I'm not sure I have time this morning to fully respond but a quick answer to your question does it really matter if everything else in the relationship checks out? - yes it matters!

But it takes a long post for me to say why. For a start is everything else really checking out? My thoughts re straight men who fantasise about other women but stay faithful is that either is it a passing fantasy generated by the sight of another woman and soon to be explored with their loved one or it is a sign they are married to a bisexual and on that subconscious instinctive level he is looking for the right woman for him and not realising that is why he is still looking.

Last edited by lily (May 23, 2024 6:02 pm)

**Posted by walkbymyself** May 24, 2024 12:09 pm

When I sat my XH down and told him what I'd discovered, his response was "I have always known that I was bisexual."

1. You accidentally forgot to have sex with me for 22 years. How is that "bisexual"?
2. You accidentally forgot to tell me your marriage vows only covered sex with women.
3. You can lie to yourself if that's what you're determined to do, but that doesn't mean you're going to get away with lying to me.

**Posted by lily** May 24, 2024 6:21 pm

Yes exactly, Walk.

Alex, to continue..

On what basis do you contend there are plenty of gay and bisexual husbands that are content to be faithful to their wives?

I don't actually believe that is true. One sight I cannot unsee - it was still very early in the morning driving into town and there is this man leaning up against the street lamp in an attitude of drunken despair. He's dressed like a fantasy of a woman in his high heels and pink feather boa, but still with his own lanky hair and very hairy legs. It was strangely touching. He got my utmost sympathy for the helpless and hopeless distress he was in. I think he was a nice man. I think he will have good companions and good times in his life nonetheless.

The way I see it Alex, the closet is in a process of evolving - it needs to be roomier. eg: if you call it bisexuality then it means your husband should be able to accept your nights out with a girlfriend, or if you wear lipstick and a dress your wife should be able to handle it.

So it comes down to what is still being hidden.

Same sex attraction is what it is.

The consequences for a straight are what they are - to feel empty from being in the marriage instead of feeling content.

I believe he isn't interested in other women, but don't you think that casts your position as the exception to the rule? what do you make of that?

Last edited by lily (May 24, 2024 6:33 pm)

**Posted by Alex1984** May 24, 2024 9:29 pm

Hi Lili, here are a couple of links to successful non-closeted MoMs:

Research paper posted on this forum:
https://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic_mobile.php?id=3598

MoR Facebook group:
https://www.facebook.com/share/UdhHDPnGNscafVjp/?mibextid=A7sQZp

You really have an idealistic view of a straight relationship... I've been in a couple, they aren't ideal. The way the ssa often works is the same as you describe the fleeting attraction to a woman works for a straightmarried man: he sees her, feels the momentarily surge of energy and then explores it with his spouse. It's the same, except the surges occur for both men and women (or just for men if you are primarily ssa)

Last edited by Alex1984 (May 24, 2024 9:30 pm)

**Posted by lily** May 25, 2024 2:07 pm

Hi Alex,

Sorry but your post is not very responsive, it's more like you are wanting to wave a banner for mixed orientation marriages in general.

Entirely up to you what you want to do in life.

from my perspective, and it is just a straight perspective, but for me if my partner doesnt care if i am a man or a woman then how can he care about me.

all the best, Lily

Last edited by lily (May 25, 2024 2:19 pm)