I too kept quiet when I first found gay porn on my husbands secret phone. Keeping quiet is the worst. I could not sleep, had to go on major anxiety meds and at one point ended up in the emergency room with a full on panic attack. The only advice I can give you right at this moment, is to talk about this with a therapist. Therapy helped me a great deal. 
One more observation about your post: You don't want to hurt him? You don't want to feel guilty? You did not do this! Please take care of yourself. It is a difficult journey to go through, but with help, maybe some medication, and loving support you can persevere through the rough times ahead. 
Hoping you have the strength to continue your life with abundance. I had to start over at age 60! I am currently enjoying getting to know myself again. I am living my life solo and spending time with old friends and my adult daughter. I am down to monthly therapy and off all anxiety medication. Find a new hobby, reconnect with old friends, and live your life. Free yourself from playing detective and trying to solve all the betrayal incidents. 
Best of luck. 
T  

 

Lostperson - First, no need to apologize for venting. This is a safe space! My concern is you FOUND information concerning his issues. He came clean after the discovery. This is why you are unsettled and not sure if you can believe him. Please listen to your intuition and at least implement steps to protect yourself.  You are feeling that he is lying by omission. Take care of yourself. 

Lostperson,
I feel for you. I am in a similar situation. I found gay porn a couple months ago on my husbands phone and ipad. However, it was not the first time. I found some gay porn on the computer before we were married and bought the excuse that it belonged to the roommate. Then I found it again and was told it was just a curiosity and the narrative flipped to blaming me for being not attentive and that he thought I was cheating on him. the young naive me tucked it all inside and believed him, then married him and had two kids. I came across it again about 10 years ago, and I was told that he doesn't know how it appeared. At this point in our marriage, we had two young kids. I would stay up all hours looking for more evidence. I believed him again. now here we are after 25 years, and I found it again. After each time, he got much better at hiding it. Something always triggered me to look again. A comment, a change in behavior. At this point in our marriage, I had lost my voice. I couldn't even confront him. I didn't realize the emotional abuse was taking place. I read almost every post on here and listened to every podcast (those were the most helpful). I realized he always flipped any touchy conversation back to me and my faults. So I got a therapist that specializes in this (so lucky to have one local) and worked up the conversation to tell him I knew he had a same sex attraction and that i was not ok with it. He didn't deny it, he immediately jumped to "Well, I have never been with anyone" in a very defensive tone. I realized the last few years, I lost myself and my voice to him. I didn't really understand why. He is still in denial. He agreed to go to therapy, but that will be a long process. He cannot change who he is, I am hoping he can come to terms with who he is. In the meantime, I am just looking out for myself first and then the kids. I moved out of the bedroom. We live as roommates and coparents. He is so closed up, he doesn't address it. He blames me for the fallout in our marriage. At this point, I know we will divorce. I am just taking it one day at a time. First step was getting my own space in the house and setting some boundaries. I have not told any family or friends yet either. Having my therapist to talk to is a big help. 

Don't lose years like I did. Focus on what makes you happy in the moment. I am learning to find what makes me happy right now. That gives me the strength to keep moving forward. If my daughter was in this position, I would tell her to leave. That gave me the strength to start the process to leave. 

Update:
He convinced me that he didn't do anything while we were married and he only likes oral.


Today I found out that he posted his pics on a website after our kids were born and asking to meet a guy! And that he is a bottom !!

I don't want to become a detective ...this is killing me .

What a loss ! 8 years of my life

Last edited by Lostperson (May 10, 2024 5:59 pm)

Blue Bear wrote:

The gay part of this is almost irrelevant. He’s cheating on you, disrespecting you, and lying to you. You deserve better, and he doesn’t deserve you.

He swears that he didn't see anyone and didn't text anyone while we were married .I'm tired of him trying to fool me .I just want my kids and a fair divorce.