Posted by dd  April 28, 2024 5:28 am | #1 |
I have been told on another part of this forum, that I have my future direction already worked out, but that is simply not true. My loving partner of 10 years, who a few short months ago proposed to me to get married, told me 3 days ago that he is gay.
We have had sex since then, it was fun, but not as fun for me as usual, because I was gripped by this horrible feeling that "it is not the same" and "who knows when he'll want it again."
In the first 24 hours I had probably 100 thoughts of suicide, even deciding on the preferred method. I spoke to Lifeline multiple times and I sobbed my heart out. He came and held me, he was sweet and loving, but eventually he said if I continued to be miserable, he would have to leave to "protect his sanity". I understand he is feeling guilty, but the truth is I am alone on this property, working from home, rarely going anywhere, and he knows I have no support network. The gay counsellor that he has been seeing for a few months now, advised him NOT to tell me anything, because of the potential impact it would have on me, but he went ahead and did it anyway.
During sex, he agreed he might be "a little bit bi" rather than fully gay, but the next morning he was once again issuing me with warnings about how strongly he swings in the gay direction, and how I shouldn't expect regular sex, at all.
I don't know whether anyone out there has ever been in a similar situation to mine, and made it work. Specifically, I don't know whether I should believe my partner when he says he doesn't see himself ever falling in love with a man. He says he just wants to have sex with them, and that I am his soulmate. The soulmate he may not want to have sex with for a month or more. The soulmate that is meant to be perfectly ok with this new arrangement, and not even look sad, because looking sad makes him feel so very guilty, that he would have to leave.
I have thought about telling him my "plan" for what I might do if he leaves me, for good. How I am leaning heavily (to use his words) towards hanging myself in the BBQ shelter, using the dog chain. (I did say it was specific). My other thoughts all involve driving over to some farmers I know (of course we live on acreage, hence the isolation) and begging them to let me stay with them until the urge to kill myself is over. I don't want to go to a hospital and be trapped, I've seen people go through that, and some of them still suicided later. No. I'd rather fight it out myself, somehow, or with the help of friends.
Anyway, today has been an OK day, with me pretending to myself and to him, that I am just fine with everything.
Obviously, some people on this forum think the same.
The truth, however, is that I just don't know what the right thing to do is. I am electing to stay, to save my life. Literally. It isn't just the finances - which are very entangled, and I kind of depend on him for some things, though I have my own steady job and source of income - it is this horrible pain that I feel when I am faced with losing him. The ten years together, the million and one small kindnesses, his hands building things and helping me, his arms holding me, it was what made me fall in love.. what still makes me love him right now. I keep asking myself, does it really matter how often we have sex?
But of course, it is not about that, at all. It is about feeling desirable, feeling wanted, sexually. Not feeling like almost any man that walks past, is more interesting to him than I am.
And the worst part is, I always knew he was bisexual, and I didn't care. I am attracted to bisexual men. It turns me on! But bi is way different to GAY. And now, I'm thinking, I was wrong to like them, wrong to think that any bisexual man would truly be able to give me what I need, long term.
I swear, if I could find a man to give me sanctuary, I would go to him immediately, with all my animals. By sanctuary, I simply mean a safe place where he won't let anyone hurt me. See, if I were to tell my Mom about what is happening, she would come here right away, with her partner. She would want to help me get rid of my fiancee. But Mom's partner - who is a partial invalid now, and old, and not a real threat - still makes me uncomfortable, since he has basically sexually harassed me for years. It wasn't until my fiancee got involved and told them they couldn't visit unless he was here with me, that things finally improved (they stopped coming over, basically, and I got my sanity back). I've suffered some kind of harassment from men I wasn't interested in, quite often while single, and part of the reason I want to be in a relationship is just to protect myself from this... and I know at my age (51) I should be 'invisible', but I am still not invisible to many, and I certainly don't plan on letting myself go.. SO
What the hell do I do?
I have no freaking idea. I want to make things work with my fiancee, but I honestly don't know if I can. How does one decide? Where do I even begin to look for real support, i.e. not over the phone or online, but in person? Do I just start dating again - he is encouraging me to see other men, if I wish to, to satisfy my sexual needs - and hope to meet a better man, or do I call it quits and face the dark scary tunnel alone?
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz April 28, 2024 2:19 pm | #2 |
You have a lot to think about. You'll go back and forth....one day thinking everything will be fine....the next day being consumed by doubt and regret.
As long as you can see there's the possibility of a good & trusting life with a man who is bisexual-probably-gay you'll hang on to all the good you see in him and disregard all the things that hurt you or make you sad.
E
KIA KAHA
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Posted by dd April 29, 2024 9:52 am | #3 |
Ellexoh_nz wrote:
You have a lot to think about. You'll go back and forth....one day thinking everything will be fine....the next day being consumed by doubt and regret.
As long as you can see there's the possibility of a good & trusting life with a man who is bisexual-probably-gay you'll hang on to all the good you see in him and disregard all the things that hurt you or make you sad.
E
A friend once told me that the only reason I stayed in a crap relationship was because I could not find a better man. That might have been true then (I was in my 20s), but it is not true now. If I am unhappy with a man, I know I'd rather be happy and alone, than stay. So, it really comes down to being honest about whether I am happy or not.
To help me be sure about this, I will enlist the help of someone through this forum, and I will make an effort to get out more and just meet other men. See where that takes me. I do deserve to be loved and I know that.. (I get such a sense of deja vu, saying this), though sometimes I worry about my capacity to give a lot of time to a partner. He'd want to be a horse person or a writer, something along those lines, and someone who is very happy to be in his own space and do his own thing. Obviously it would help if he was also straight and he loved sex, because that is super important to me, I can tell you... maybe it will wane over the years, but going on what I know about myself so far, I doubt that very much.
The main thing is, my current partner / fiancee has agreed to sort out our finances to ensure we each have a roof over our heads in the event of a break up, and that the division of assets is fair. I feel this protects both of us from potential stress and financial ruin, in the future, without necessarily saying that we want to split up.
Right now, after 4 days of talking about things, we have reached a point where he has decided to rephrase what he said, and that he is not truly gay like he initially said. We did have sex, too, so I'm inclined to believe him... while also keeping in the back of my mind everything he said about how he feels. He has been incredibly open and honest today, answering all my questions and telling me about some of the men that he has been talking to, who might have made him think on this a lot more. He still maintains that he has not slept with any of them, and that he has no interest in men, emotionally speaking - only for sex. I said in that case, he shouldn't have made such a big deal about it, because gay men do fall in love with other men, you see...
Anyhow, I have read a few of the stories on here by now, and I understand men can actually struggle for years, before admitting to themselves and to others that they're gay. So, just because my fiancee has backtracked today, does not mean he won't turn around at some point in the future and declare once again, that he is gay. Ok, in such a scenario I can honestly say that would be too much for me to handle. When he is away - which is a week at a time every second week - I go about my life peacefully and productively, achieving every goal I set myself, and generally kicking ass. He comes home and I am happy and looking my best, ready to give him my time and energy. Then he tears me down. He just ruined a 4 day weekend for me (I reckon I salvaged one day of it) and while I empathise with him and the terribly confusing place he is in, I don't think I can take another episode like this. That was why I started the conversation about money, with him. So we can sort it out between us and be set for the future.
Of course, what I'd really like to see is him staying true to his word and remaining as my loving partner, regardless of some casual sex with a man, here and there.. I don't know if there are stories like that, out there. So far, most stories I've read seem to end badly (i.e. with him turning fully gay over the years, and I say "turning" because that's how it looks when a man gets married and has children and takes 30 or 40 or 50 years of his life to come out of the closet). But no matter how it ends, and no matter if this makes me stupid, I like to give every decent relationship a chance. So, that's what I'm doing, for better or worse.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz April 29, 2024 1:14 pm | #4 |
. ....
A friend once told me that the only reason I stayed in a crap relationship was because I could not find a better man,..,...., I like to give every decent relationship a chance. So, that's what I'm doing, for better or worse.
I think you rely too much on a r'ship that depends on a man who can't decide what he actually wants....or is.
Many of us know what point you're at in this Mindfuck and all I can do is wish you luck and strength to find your own autonomy.
E
KIA KAHA
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Posted by hoppyfrog April 30, 2024 7:42 pm | #5 |
May I ask, how many of your friends or family have you talked to about your husbands desires?
A major part in my healing process has been talking to a close friend, I would talk directly to her, but her husband was in the room but like behind me etc.
I would talk to her about the affection and stuff in my relationship, and ask if that is normal?
She would say, no, nope, definately not etc
Most people when they asked about my divorce I tell them a vague answer.
But there is a dozen people who know the details, and they have been extremely supportive of me.
If there is one thing I urge you to do, is speak up and tell a couple a few people, and then spend time with those that believe you and have the energy to support you.
I also had one close relative who listened but was not very helpful, until a year later, after observing his actions post divorce everything click, and she has jumped on board and become extremely supportive too.
You will be lonely.
He will have isolated you.
Go back to your old friends / family.
Make friends with them again.
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Posted by Anon2222 April 30, 2024 9:01 pm | #6 |
Not going to lie here,,,,I fail to see how this is a decent relationship?
You talk about him tearing you down. You talk about how important sex is to you but in the next breath say you're fine marrying someone who is gay. You talk about how if he decided later on that he was gay you would not be able to handle it - but he's already told you he's gay?
On top of all of that, you are both setting it up so you can live separately upon splitting up...but haven't even gotten married as of yet.
You are in the enviable position of not yet being married to this man. I truly hope you can take a look at your situation objectively, because you sound very unhappy and like you are trying to make a relationship work that shouldn't.
I wish you all the best in what you ultimately decide to do. I can say from experience - feeling alone while being married was a lot worse than being single.
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Posted by lily April 30, 2024 9:47 pm | #7 |
I wish you all the best in what you ultimately decide to do. I can say from experience - feeling alone while being married was a lot worse than being single.
well said,Anon.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz May 1, 2024 1:35 am | #8 |
......You are in the enviable position of not yet being married to this man......
This!!!!
Elle
KIA KAHA
