OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / General Help

**Posted by Thelight** April 24, 2024 2:02 pm

Ellexoh_nz wrote:
Thelight wrote:
.... How do you have those hard conversations and stay calm!

Conversations with my former partner A became intolerable because they were only ever to let out my frustration and for him to be dismissive of any concerns I had.
so I had to make the decision, come to the realisation that it was never going to change. He had too much to lose
It was all down to me. Control of my life.

*I* decided that I would give him 3 years to change, communicate, save the r'ship. I didn't tell him that's what I'd decided and to be truthful I was hoping still that he'd realise what was happening. He didn't. He simply thought everything was sweet.
After 3 years I decided because nothing had really changed that I'd no longer be intimate.
Fast forward another 3 years and I filed for separation.

What helped me through those 6 years was not relying on him to see what was happening to me, but knowing that life was no longer perfect and the only one who could change it was me

Elle

Thank you for all your support

**Posted by Thelight** April 24, 2024 2:06 pm

To all that have replied . Thank for your love and support in a storm that feels like won’t end I hope to see the light I hope he will leave on his own. The weird thing is he isn’t that mean right now just living in the house we are just going through the motions. He tells me he hasn’t ever had sex with a man. I don’t know if I believe him or not. Should I?

**Posted by Thelight** April 24, 2024 2:55 pm

Ellexoh_nz wrote:
Thelight wrote:
.... How do you have those hard conversations and stay calm!

Conversations with my former partner A became intolerable because they were only ever to let out my frustration and for him to be dismissive of any concerns I had.
so I had to make the decision, come to the realisation that it was never going to change. He had too much to lose
It was all down to me. Control of my life.

*I* decided that I would give him 3 years to change, communicate, save the r'ship. I didn't tell him that's what I'd decided and to be truthful I was hoping still that he'd realise what was happening. He didn't. He simply thought everything was sweet.
After 3 years I decided because nothing had really changed that I'd no longer be intimate.
Fast forward another 3 years and I filed for separation.

What helped me through those 6 years was not relying on him to see what was happening to me, but knowing that life was no longer perfect and the only one who could change it was me

Elle

Thank you for all your support

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** April 24, 2024 4:16 pm

Thelight wrote:
.....The weird thing is he isn’t that mean right now just living in the house we are just going through the motions. He tells me he hasn’t ever had sex with a man. I don’t know if I believe him or not. Should I?

Whether he has or hasn't....whether he's talked to a million men about doing it and backed out at the last minute, or actually has had sex with a man and doesn't want to upset his secret life.....doesn't matter. What matters is do you think you'll always be wondering if he's telling you the truth or telling a lie to keep from blowing up your life?

E

**Posted by Rob** April 25, 2024 6:33 am

Thelight,

Sounds like your're the recipient of a lot of anger. My GXs primary operative with me was and still is anger as:

a.) She knew I didnt like it and responded to it throughout the marriage (but not now)
b.) It avoided the elephant in the room or those "hard conversations" about her gay affair by deflecting minor offenses on me; "hey you didnt take out trash at 4:30am, you didn't complement me on my hair..".
(me: but what about you coming home at 2am? ... rage and anger come back at me).

At this point I think you know all you need to know. You know exactly how he will act .. be it rejection or anger etc.. and its not you.. deep in your bones you know its not you.

Wishing you strength and self compassion as you navigate issues he created ..

**Posted by Blackie563** April 25, 2024 9:57 am

Its difficult, I am sorry you are dealing with this. I understand the "adult in the room" comment all too well. My ex wife is emotionally, no older than 8 years old. Over the past year, I only respond to messages about our kids that absolutely require a response. Nothing else. Ever. Its what I found the cleanest way to break free and live my life to the fullest. She is sick beyond any help. The constant lying, attempts to get my attention, its so sad.

Be patient with yourself, there is no playbook for this. If you can find a way to presence, that is, only living in the now, your suffering will ease and a new world will emerge. Be well.