OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / confiding in friends

**Posted by M-Kate** November 30, 2023 11:51 am

I've now reached out to a few friends for support (found out my husband is bisexual about 7 months ago). I had a conversation with a gay male friend yesterday. I don't know what I was expecting, but the conversation didn't make me feel better. Perhaps part of the issue was that it was a phone call and not in person. Perhaps my female friends are able to empathize with me more than he could. I think that I had hoped that he would offer more insight or something. He was very quiet, and it was like he was walking on eggshells. Perhaps this issue is just too personal and uncomfortable for some people. Have any of you felt worse after reaching out to a friend for support?

Last edited by M-Kate (November 30, 2023 11:51 am)

**Posted by PJ** November 30, 2023 12:51 pm

M-Kate wrote:
I've now reached out to a few friends for support (found out my husband is bisexual about 7 months ago). I had a conversation with a gay male friend yesterday. I don't know what I was expecting, but the conversation didn't make me feel better. Perhaps part of the issue was that it was a phone call and not in person. Perhaps my female friends are able to empathize with me more than he could. I think that I had hoped that he would offer more insight or something. He was very quiet, and it was like he was walking on eggshells. Perhaps this issue is just too personal and uncomfortable for some people. Have any of you felt worse after reaching out to a friend for support?

Hi there. I actually have not fully confided in anyone except a professional. I guess its different for you as your husband has actually come out to you. Have you considered whether your gay friend might have suspected or even known about your partner's orientation? - hence the eggshells? Is it something you discussed with him? I could see how this would be an upsetting thing to learn - that others knew. Unfortunately, if your partner is sexually active, them other people knowing is an inevitable corollary.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** November 30, 2023 2:18 pm

M-Kate wrote:
...... He was very quiet, and it was like he was walking on eggshells. Perhaps this issue is just too personal and uncomfortable for some people. Have any of you felt worse after reaching out to a friend for support?

One of the first people I opened up to was a woman...an old friend living overseas....and her reaction at first was quite surprising. Outspoken and negative towards A. but making me feel it was just as much my fault for not immediately "ripping the bandaid off" (her exact words) and leaving him. Of course she apologised profusely for her reaction but after that I was very careful about who I confided in, but more than that I became confident in my own responses when the person I told was not as receptive as I hoped. Because we all have a personal opinion about this and yip....one has to be attuned to the fact not everybody is comfortable talking about it.

The guy you spoke to probably was walking on eggshells...lol....do you think he might actually have known your husband is bisexual already? That would've made him squirm!
Edited to say......snap! PJ

Elle

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (November 30, 2023 2:21 pm)

**Posted by M-Kate** November 30, 2023 2:34 pm

The friend that I spoke with on the phone doesn't know my husband. I don't know why he wasn't more forthcoming, but I won't reach out to him again. I also will avoid having these conversations on the phone. He did say that he didn't know any bisexuals. His gay friends are just into men. I wonder whether he thought my husband could be gay and not bisexual. He said that he had a few gay friends who had been married before & had kids.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** November 30, 2023 2:41 pm

M-Kate wrote:
.... I also will avoid having these conversations on the phone. He did say that he didn't know any bisexuals. His gay friends are just into men. I wonder whether he thought my husband could be gay and not bisexual. He said that he had a few gay friends who had been married before & had kids.

This is a learning curve M-Kate. As a straightspouse you will learn so much about yourself and others.

Hugs for you

**Posted by M-Kate** November 30, 2023 3:40 pm

As I think about this, I wonder whether some of the gay guys are indeed bisexual & just don't admit it.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** November 30, 2023 3:54 pm

M-Kate wrote:
As I think about this, I wonder whether some of the gay guys are indeed bisexual & just don't admit it.

Indeed bisexual? Well it doesn't really matter what people are....we simply have to be confident in ourselves and true to the values we believe in

E

**Posted by lily** November 30, 2023 4:21 pm

it sounds like your friend did understand - saying he knows other gay men who are married w kids - is it possible he thinks married gay men are gay but doesn't want to say it to you if you are saying he is bisexual and that means he is into women too.

**Posted by Abby** November 30, 2023 7:51 pm

I haven't posted here for awhile but I think lily is right. My ex-husband initially admitted to being "bi" early in our marriage but years later, when he had built a gay support network, told me he was gay and wanted a divorce. I suspect that openly gay men that we knew were onto him for years and knew that I was his cover. Too bad I didn't know!

**Posted by Josephine** December 3, 2023 5:50 pm

M-Kate wrote:
I've now reached out to a few friends for support (found out my husband is bisexual about 7 months ago). I had a conversation with a gay male friend yesterday. I don't know what I was expecting, but the conversation didn't make me feel better. Perhaps part of the issue was that it was a phone call and not in person. Perhaps my female friends are able to empathize with me more than he could. I think that I had hoped that he would offer more insight or something. He was very quiet, and it was like he was walking on eggshells. Perhaps this issue is just too personal and uncomfortable for some people. Have any of you felt worse after reaching out to a friend for support?

There is a man , who I feel, may have been a partner of my dead husband. I would love to reach out to him to see what he knows. I really need any information at this point but I worry about making him (and more importantly ) his wife uncomfortable. . I feel that people who are going through similar things may not be able to separate themselves enough to empathize with you. I think we need to be careful who we reach out to. If someone can't see how much pain you are in they may just clam up because they don't want to do more damage!