OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Shocking way to learn he’s gay!

**Posted by MarieV87** July 8, 2023 9:20 pm

A few weeks ago my children (not minors) received nude pics of their father from a third party over FB messenger. This is how we learned he’s gay!

I left an abusive 27 year marriage in 2019. We’ve had no contact for the past 2 years and he’s blocked on all portals.

Please tell me how you’ve moved past the anger and being used as a cover for someone’s life. His parents never would’ve accepted him as gay so he used me!

The cherry on top is much of his rage was rooted in him
Not living authentically.

I do have a wonderful therapist I’m working with whose focus helping survivors of domestic violence.

Any suggestions would be appreciated!!

Thanks,

Marie

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** July 9, 2023 4:55 am

Hi Marie...welcome to our Forum.

For me I learned over time that anger was my very worst enemy, and that it only made me....worse lol
We have enough emotions to deal with. Why add anger to them. There were times initially when I'd snap and growl inside and want to hit something. Some body!
I also had A's (my ex partner) anger to deal with. His gaslighting, dismissive anger, and I did not want to be like that. I often feel like I deserve to be angry. Angry at A. But it would do no good. He's impervious. I've built a wall around me to protect me. But in doing so I find my life at the moment is rather empty. But at least I'm not angry.

Our children are adults too. I want them to ask me questions about him because talking about it would be good but they don't so I have to respect that.

Is there a support group your therapist can recommend?

Elle

**Posted by lily** July 9, 2023 5:31 pm

Yes, what a shocking way to learn he's gay.

And yes you want to detachment from him - there's no point in being angry with him as he is immune to it, it's like giving good money after bad, but this is more to be angry about, not just the sending of the pics but also the new information is unwinding more of the abuse he subjected you to. It's like bruising - the colours rising to the surface express just how bad the bruise was.

I really don't think you can move past the anger. I think it's healthy to feel angry at being so lied to, manipulated and utterly used. And I think it deserves to be listened to.

I have two very different strategies. One is to use the energy to work on something I want to accomplish. And the other is to curl up on my bed, cuddle up and let the feelings come and go, listen to myself.

**Posted by MarieV87** July 9, 2023 5:59 pm

Thanks to you both for your input and welcome! It’s just helpful to know others are/have been going through similar situations.

One thing my therapist has stressed is that my relationship with EX is not the same as my kids. It’s something one doesn’t immediately think of but it’s true!

I doubt my anger will ever completely go away, but I am trying to use it as a fire to succeed as I move forward.

I’m so glad to have found a place to share these feelings with those who understand fully!!!

**Posted by Rob** July 10, 2023 8:32 am

Marire87,

I think we can all look back and get angry. I guess, like Elle, I'm not an angry person by nature and going through all this with a raging spouse...I swore I would not be like my GX..my GXs primary emotion and solution to anything is anger. So much anger of her own shame I guess, me as the cause of all her problems, the universe against her..

Definitely work with a therapist..
Our anger is not unjustified..even Jesus got anger at the merchant's in the temple. What I try to do is give it to God..anger, vengeance..I truly believe in my bones God is looking down and sees the difference between wrong and right. In this life and the next life I can say I was kind and honored all my wedding vows.

**Posted by MarieV87** July 11, 2023 2:02 pm

Hi Rob,

Thanks for your message!

I don’t want anger to define me either. I’m trying to get to a place where I can put it behind me. Easier said than done!

Myself and my kids have suffered enough from his abuse and rage. I want happy times ahead. I just struggle with having been lied to and used for over 27 years!

What a coward!!

I pray for strength and guidance every day.