Thanks for posting your story here, it helps us all.

I do agree about the disingenuousness involved in pretending it isn't what it is.

Imo honest disclosure is probably the easiest to sleep with.  How can you pretend not to be devastated when you are?  

Now that he has joined a transitioning trans group this is likely to go into big expenses, more and more pink fog and you become known as a trans widow.

Securing your finances now would be wise.

It's like we've all been groomed over time by our spouses not to tell - getting free of that conditioning and talking to other people in your life about what's happening will help you feel grounded and hopefully you can find some friends and family who will support you.

wishing you all the best, Lily