Posted by EmberLIT56  June 12, 2023 9:06 am | #1 |
Hi All,
Just a note, I (cis-w) will be referring to my SO (mtf) with he/him pronouns when speaking about them in the past tense, and with she/her when speaking about the present.
So many thoughts going on in my head and no one to understand them. When my SO and I were first dating in college, I was really starting to come into my own. However, he voiced opinions about things that I was doing that he didn't like (certain friends I had, cutting my long hair short, dressing certain ways, etc.) I was young and dumb and this was the first guy that told me I was beautiful and was interested in me. So of course I changed to fit what he wanted. He was also my first love.
Fast forward a few marriage years later and the gender dysphoria comes out. And as I have found out, the cycles of binging and purging begin. At first it was just cross dressing and I definitely don't want to be a woman, but then after every purge what was needed to satisfy the binge became more.
About five years ago we went through the heavy stuff of really talking about the dysphoria, going through marriage counseling, and what he needed. Boundaries were put down and at that point I thought it was over. He kept saying he didn't want to be this way. But you guessed it; three years later it's back stronger than before. Earlier this year we decided to separate and after discovery about things that happened behind my back we have been actively working towards a divorce.
This is what I have a problem with. I have nothing against anyone who LGBTQA+. In fact, I was more supportive of anyone who identified before she (will now use she/her pronouns since SO has now accepted they are MTF) was or ever identified that way. I hate that this has made me question that. I have always thought of myself as an ally so why can't I accept this? Everyone tells me that it is different as a spouse and logically I totally get it. It's what I would tell someone in my spot. But emotionally I feel guilty that I can't where everyone can. I feel like a failure.
Also, I'm mad that now that she has finally accepted her genuine self and that she is really blossoming and coming into her own because I feel like I was never given that chance. I feel like she expects me to just accept it even though she says she completely understands my side and doesn't know that I could stay if the situation was reversed. I'm pissed that everyone is so supportive of her and no one is acknowledging me. Everyone is shouting accolades at her and no one is acknowledging that the person I knew is gone, the life I knew is gone, etc. No one is saying, "Hey, good job Ember for sticking in there as long as you have. For trying. For pushing your own boundaries (I always said if certain things happened it was over but they did and I have questioned if I'm really ok with them or not). For going shopping with her, teaching her how to dress and do her makeup, etc."
I hate that I didn't have the guts to proceed with my own search for myself years ago, but rather gave it up for SO, and now the same isn't happening in return (I get that being trans is not a choice...it just is and can't be controlled, but the emotional part of me is just screaming it isn't fair).
I hate that I'm so jealous that she is receiving so much support. She has come out to family and only met minimal opposition. She has started to come out to work and they are being supportive. Every obstacle that she was worried about she is excelling at. And I hate it. Which also makes me feel guilty.
I don't want anything bad to happen to her. In fact, I wish her only the best. But, I don't want to know about it. I don't like who I have become because of this. And I hate that this all has made me question who I thought I was.
Of course, with the hatred comes guilt that I feel that way.
Ugh, I'm so sorry to vent it all here. I am seeing a therapist and she is wonderful, but unless you are in this situation I don't think you truly get it.
My life is completely changing. The house needs to be sold. I moved to her state when we got married and I will be returning home to my family. I don't want the house, nor do I want to be here anymore in her world. For me to heal, I know need to move away and move on and focus on myself. But I know that at least for a while I will have the "what if's". What if it would have worked? What if she had changed now that she is stepping into her true self (not her gender but the other things in life that I didn't like about her)? Did I not try hard enough? Am I the one who is wrong? How can there be so many other couples out there who make MOM work and I can't? Can I put up with it for the financial and insurance security? What is the price for my happiness and sanity? Will I ever be loved again?
Sorry...just some thoughts in my head.
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Posted by Anon 765 June 12, 2023 12:16 pm | #2 |
Hi Ember,
Yes to all of that. I completely get what you're sharing. You are heard and understood. I think others here will get it as well.
One thing I realized after many months of being supportive and encouraging his exploration, which led to resentment and jealousy because it seemed like he was so happy and free, getting exactly what he wanted, is this:
-there is enough happiness to go around
-there is enough love to go around
-there is enough support to go around
Their happiness doesn't take away from our happiness. Just because they may find love with someone else doesn't mean that there is no love left over for us. They get support, yes, but it's there for us too. Look for it, and make a point of noticing the happiness, love and support that surround YOU, rather than focusing on what they're getting.
Put yourself first. It's great to be supportive, but not if it is detrimental to you. It's great that you posted here and have a therapist. It's not too late to start creating and living the life YOU want and deserve.
I really want to validate your feelings. I have felt them all as well, and still do sometimes. It's a big thing to wrap your head around. Better things are ahead. Thank you for your vulnerability in posting how you're feeling.
Anon 765
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz June 12, 2023 3:35 pm | #3 |
Ember....society feels it has to cheer and congratulate the man you married because....well, because society is a big beast and has to be societally-correct in a world that increasingly tells individuals that they can be anything they wish. And I'm not using they/them or he/him or she/her if I can use any other word, and if I have to use several words to describe somebody....so be it. The world is too reliant on acronyms and shortened words lol
I don't have an SO with disphoria but my 17yo grandchild (biologically born a male) does and I have been struggling with getting my head around this for 2 years now. This happened as I was going through my own journey and separation from the bisexual/will never admit to being gay man I left after 38 years.
I too had no animosity or grievances towards the lgbtq community....until my own life was tipped upside down by a man who doesn't admit to being in that community. So when I the man I loved finally admitted to a desire to be fucked by a man and I realised my life was going to change beyond anything I could imagine my attitude towards that community changed to distaste and aversion.
Then my grandson's bombshell hit.....and I realised that to incorporate the change in the life of somebody I had loved and cared for from a baby then I had to soften my outlook regarding my own situation.
I did that by working on myself, and making boundaries and acceptances and deciding that I didn't have to bow down to an ideology that seems to think the rest of us owe them something just because they want to change. (fucking pronouns lmao)
My grandchild's father wants to buy a second home and has suggested/proposed that I become grandmother/housekeeper and be there to look out for/look after his child. it kinda feels rife with problems but as I might be in need of a roof over my head....I have to look at it logically 
As for "how can there be so many MOMs out there that work".......are there? Really? I believe that in the end people do what they do because for them...it's their survival. Nobody knows what goes on inside. I was unknowingly in a MOM, then in an open r'ship, then not wanting to be in a MOM, then staying in it celibate while I schemed & planned my way out, and now I'm 2 weeks out and this will be my story, my history forever, always in my head. It's who I am! but I have learned more about myself, my tolerances and where I draw a line.
I smile at everyone even though we know nothing about each other
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by ellierigg June 12, 2023 6:43 pm | #4 |
Dear Ember!
From everything you wrote you seem like very warm, kind and honest soul. Feeling jealousy doesn’t make you a bad person, just human. And maybe it is not jealousy but frustration that you are not getting enogh support.
You were hurt, your life turned upside down. It is amazing to me that you get less compassion and understanding than your ex. But I guess that is where the society is today- everybody going with trends, and also being afraid of hurting others if they are honest. I am not saying people who cheer your ex on are bad, but I see people like that as more fearful and less concious. In my surroundings I have also more people like that, and while I love many of them, i don’t take advice from them or trust their judgement on many things.
Honestly, I am astounded by how much patience you still have for you ex, using the pronouns and all… I don’t know any transgender people, and if I had to use the pronouns of a gender that someone is very obviosly not, I’m not sure if I could do it. I didn’t know much about the whole trans subject until recently, but then i watched many videos and read many opinions, especially by people who detransitioned. I sugest you watch those too ( My eyes were suddenly open on the whole transgender thing). I think everyone has a right to do to themselves what they want, but I also have a right to not pretend that a man is a woman. I am not willing to pretend, lie, and I don’t understand how we all came to this point.
Also, it seems to you now that you ex is leading the perfect life, with all the acceptance and support. Remember that he is not. Noone is living a perfect life. I understand when you say you are jealous, but I think it is just your pain speaking, because you are still very attached to your ex, and it pains you to see him moving on. Your struggles are actually much better: you have to let him go, and let go of a life you maybe thought for a while was good, but turned out to be very troubled and emotionaly hard. Your life will be easier from now on. You have a chance at a new beginning.And now think of what your ex is getting into: a trans life- not an easy life, full of pretending and physical and mental madness. I know you wish the best for him, but he will not have it easy, and you also should let go of trying to take care of him. He chose to be without you, and chose to life a comoletely different life. And that’s ok. But you take care of you.
I’m sending love, hugs, and life to you!
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Posted by ellierigg June 12, 2023 6:47 pm | #5 |
Oh and Elle, i love your reply!
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz June 12, 2023 7:19 pm | #6 |
ellierigg wrote:
Oh and Elle, i love your reply!
🙏
KIA KAHA
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Posted by PaperDoll June 15, 2023 2:39 pm | #7 |
This really resonated with me today. I came on here looking for support and your post expressed alot of what I'm feeling this morning, which is how unfair it is to be left with the burden of supporting someone who has hurt you so badly. How I can be supportive of the LBGQT community in general but feel anger at my SO who made the decision to fulfill his mtf fantasy and have a ss affair. I don't want to be with a man who wants to be a woman who's with a man, ugh. I feel guilty that I find this behaivor gross in him, but for everyone else - you do you!
I also feel guilty for complaining at all because my SO (husband of 37 years) gave up the cross-dressing and the AP, has recommitted to our marriage and is doing all the work to repair (d-day was 14 mos ago). Still, How can I trust anything he says? How can I ever have certainty that this is something he did, but is not something he IS?
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Posted by lily June 15, 2023 5:31 pm | #8 |
Something he did but not something he is? sorry, but that sounds like a forlorn hope to me, doesn't it to you?
Isn't it more like when he dresses up feminine and goes looking for men he is finally showing who he is?
So sorry you find yourself here - but isn't it a relief to get validation for your thoughts and feelings in the commonalities of our stories.
Look after yourself and take your time.
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Posted by EmberLIT56 June 20, 2023 3:19 pm | #9 |
Hi all,
Thank each and every one of you for taking the time to respond.
Anon--You are right. There is enough to go around. I think the really hard thing for me right now is that her happiness is always in my face and I can't seem to find mine. Because of my back injury, I had to have her move back in to get the house ready to go on the market. I'm in her territory. I have to hear about her coming out to her family and being supported, I have to see her appointments go on our joint calendar for things like consults for facial feminization surgery and voice lessons. I've always known that I want her to be happy but that I don't want to see it, but I have no options right now but to see it. As soon as our settlement is figured out and the house is sold I am out of here. But for now, I'm stuck. And it doesn't help that everywhere I turn I am seeing how great this is and how great she is, both in my personal life and in general through social media, etc. It's just hard to focus on me right now because I can't escape her.
Ellexoh--I am so sorry about your situation, but I am glad to see that you have learned your worth and your strength. It's just hard because there is nothing for the straight spouse aside from a handful of resources. I went to Youtube and typed in I hate my trans spouse and the only thing that came up was videos of Oh look at us my trans partner is great, and how to support your partner through transition. How about how to support the spouse left behind? You are right about some people staying because of survival. I had contemplated that with my own case. It was either stay in the marriage and have financial stability and great insurance, but lose myself...or leave and give up everything but gain my freedom. I think a big thing that I hate too is that everyone knows we are getting a divorce but not necessarily why. Now that she is coming out, I feel like everyone is going to assume that I couldn't hack it loving a transgender spouse. First of all, there were other things wrong in the marriage besides the gender issue, and secondly why should I be forced to accept what would become a homosexual relationship when I wouldn't dare dream of keeping her from being who she really is (again, not that I have anything wrong with anyone who is homosexual--and I hate the fact that I feel like I have to say that). Seems a little unfair to me.
Everyone says to have grace with my feelings. Everyone says that it isn't the same. Still, it hurts and I hate her for putting me in this spot when I have done nothing wrong (and I know this isn't a choice for her, but still).
Ellie--thank you for the kind words about me. Using the pronouns was very hard at first, but I found that it actually helped me to get through accepting that the man that I loved was gone. Of course, she kept trying to say "I'm still me and I'm still the same person", but she's not. Ellie, you are right that I am in pain and it hurts seeing all of this. To me, I have not seen her come up against any obstacles except for an elderly man pointing at her behind her back. I don't wish her harm, but I wish she felt as badly as I do. I loved my husband with my whole heart and as I stated to Anon, right now I am physically stuck near her. Everyone says that my life will be better, etc. and how hard she will have it, but it's hard for me to see that because to me a trans person is just a person and I know how I would treat her. However, I know everyone is not like me. Maybe I'm just really mad for what she did to my life and you are right, I need to let that go. I was doing well with moving on in February when we were apart, but now that I'm back in the middle of it and seeing it all it's so hard. And every change is just another nail in the coffin of the person I knew. But that person is gone. Grief is a biznitch lol. And I think the new beginning is something scary at my age--I don't have a job and so have the financial fear and the "I'm in my 40s with physical limitations, what job is going to want me now?" Fear is a liar, but it's a powerful liar. But I really appreciate you and thank you for taking time to respond.
Paper--I am so sorry you are going through this journey as well. I guess I was "lucky" in the sense that my SO is now a lesbian and still attracted to me. I agree with Lily--I feel like thinking that the did vs is part is wishful thinking. I know with my SO I lived in fantasy land for a while of "this is a phase" and I believed her when she said she could stop it, or that it was done, or no she was just a crossdresser but didn't want to be a woman. And now, here we are with her taking hormones and looking into facial feminization surgery and taking voice changing lessons. Your SO might be fooling herself as well. Trust is something that is very hard to earn but so easily broken. Personally, if I were in your spot, I would proceed with caution. From my experience, this is very much a binge and purge kind of journey. Try to decide your boundaries and stick to them (for example, if my SO wanted to sleep with men I would say I wish you the best and head out). A long time ago I always said if she were to start HRT that would be the line...but that came and went. Then I said I didn't want a wife...and being around her I've questioned that. If you are able to get some time away to think, I recommend that.
Again, thank you all again for just being here and listening. Lily, you are right...it helps to get validation for our thoughts. I hate that we are all here, but I'm glad I'm not alone.
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Posted by Anon 765 June 21, 2023 7:01 am | #10 |
Hi Ember,
One thing that has been helping me has been to write uncensored letters FOR MY EYES ONLY to my ex that express all the wild, crazy "I shouldn't be thinking this" thoughts and feelings that run through my head. It's like the polar bear thought experiment - someone says don't think of a polar bear, and that's all you can think of. So when I'm trying to rationalize or dismiss or ignore these thoughts and feelings, they just keep growing in my head. But when I write them all down completely uncensored, I usually wind up with a smile on my face and a sense of perspective.
I'm living with an ex who is moving on with a new partner and new life, and, like you, it's a stab every time I overhear a phone call or whatever. It's not at all easy, and it really makes it much harder to detach emotionally.
I realized that the more mental energy I spend on my ex, the worse I feel. This is much easier said than done, and it's a process too. Lots of self-compassion, gentleness and working on acceptance...
Wishing you strength,
Anon 765
