OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Telling Friends

**Posted by masterly** March 23, 2023 9:41 am

Hi all,

My discovery happened exactly a month ago, so this is all very new. I'm planning to see some friends next week and I want to talk about my life and how much I've been struggling because of this situation. However, our couples therapist (and others) have advised against telling mutual friends or family members if we are trying to work things out. How have you all handled communicating with friends? I wish I could express the depths of my suffering, but also realize there is no way they could ever understand, so maybe it will be unfulfilling to talk about it anyway.

Thanks,

**Posted by Abby** March 23, 2023 12:16 pm

Are YOU trying to work things out or were you in couples therapy before your discovery and now you are not sure what you want to do. I capitalized you because what you choose to tell friends may depend upon what you want their response to be.

Since you "want to talk about your life and how much you've been struggling because of this situation" are you hoping that they will support you if you decide to separate? Are you looking for them to encourage you to "stay the course", i.e stay in the relationship? Whom you decide to tell, and how much, is as important as whether to tell anyone.

If you are just looking for a shoulder to cry on try to find someone who is not going to tell you what to you should do and jump into "rescue" mode. Also, look for someone who does not tell others what you tell in confidence.

Definitely you need someone to talk to because keeping your feelings bottled up inside is toxic but perhaps now is the time to find a counseling professional for yourself and stop the couples therapy.

Last edited by Abby (March 23, 2023 12:17 pm)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** March 23, 2023 12:34 pm

I second Abby's advice. Without knowing your story I can definitely say that you need to be talking about this but not in the presence of your partner or a couples counselor.

Welcome to our Forum Masterly

Elle

**Posted by Rob** March 23, 2023 4:23 pm

masterly,
"..but also realize there is no way they could ever understand.."

Yes when telling friends and family about my then wife having a gay affair it was hard for them to wrap their heads around it...just as it was for me... it was a horrible thing that no one has experience with ...except folks on this board.. That said, it was still helpful to get support from friends, family...build a support system for YOU. I have no experience with couples counseling but for the that therapist to say "tell no one" indicates that the therapist is trying to repair and maintain the relationship and be what? your sole means of support? If you feel you need more support I urge you to get your own therapist, psychiatrist, priest, rabbit, doctor, etc. It takes an army of support when dealing with this.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** March 23, 2023 6:01 pm

Rob wrote:
..... I urge you to get your own therapist, psychiatrist, priest, rabbit.....

LOL....I know this is a serious subject but including the typo of "rabbit" brought a smile to my face Rob

E

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (March 23, 2023 6:03 pm)

**Posted by Rob** March 24, 2023 12:10 am

Typos..guess I'll leave it if it makes people smile. LOL.

Other thing I recall.. I was in therapy, kids were in therapy, dog was in therapy, fish were in therapy... but not her.