So. I met with a lawyer today. And it was an incredibly depressing experience.

I can't say I'm surprised I guess. After doing research into it I kinda figured I'd be screwed...and the lawyer confirmed as much.

Apparently where I am, women without children are treated incredibly poorly in the divorce process. Long story short, I'm not entitled to really anything and technically as it stands I will owe him money. Also, the current divorce process is taking 3+ years. During this time, I have to disclose all my financial information etc to him (and vice versa). It sounds like an incredibly horrific and complicated process and I am even more overwhelmed than before. So...woo...

That, sadly, did not make me feel any better and confirmed that I have years of hell ahead. The lawyer did say that if it becomes contentious he has seen it take up to 8 years for the divorce to go through. Guess I'm just gonna be wasting more years of my life *eye roll*

So. Because there is absolutely nothing I can do and I have absolutely no control over my life....I have decided to attempt to take the stance of just not caring. He continues to have all the power (my lawyer said a lot of the judges are quite misogynistic and tend to side with the man. Also, spousal support here is next to impossible to get as women are expected to "step up and get a job". 

So. Gonna go zone out with my pets and just ignore life. The lawyer did inform me that he can also lay claim to my animals if he chooses to be a prick.... 

I learned my lesson. I am never getting married again. 

Thanks guys!

Sadly, I was getting prepared for this. I know several other women who went through divorce and got hosed. Like I said, the laws where I am are brutal.  Down to he can even monitor my spending for the next 3 years and make me justify what I spend on things. It's absolutely ridiculous and archaic. 

But, it is what it is really. And I can't afford to see different lawyers, as just the consult fee here to talk to one for advice cost me $1000. He was saying it's actually quite disgusting what has happened to the divorce laws here. Apparently it used to be a lot different but they made a lot of changes in the past several years. Go figure. 

It actually kinda makes me want to move....

So...he sent a message letting me know he was back and would respond to my email shortly.

Currently hyperventilating and having a panic attack. I can't breathe and feel sick. Shaking. 

What the hell is all I have to say....

I just want to point out that it is not a matter of being strong or weak. And I most definitely can see the effect this is having on me. Having a mental illness and having to deal with C-PTSD from the extreme psychological trauma I have been through is not a laughing matter, and it also doesn't make me a weak person. What I experienced with his text was a physical reaction. I do not have control over it. But what I do have control over is my coping methods to get through the situation. And yes, I did. It took several hours but I did go through the process and come out the other side.

I get tired of people telling me that I somehow need to "be stronger" and just not let him "make me feel this way". No. I have diagnosed illnesses that are no different than having cancer and someone telling the cancer patient if you were just more positive you could beat this thing.

The straight spouses who go through this level of trauma that may not handle things with grace. May have break downs. Contemplate suicide. Take years to overcome it. They are not weak people. It's not a matter of them just not being strong enough. It's the matter of going through an extreme trauma response and whatever else is going on in their lives. Mental health already gets enough stigma in this world.

I appreciate the apology, and I know you meant well. It just gets tiring sometimes to have people view it as some sort of personal flaw that I just "can't get over it". Believe me, I have experienced so much shame and guilt over how I have handled all of this and beat myself up over the fact that it gets to me. I wish I could be a "stronger" person, who was able to move on from this and dig deep into my personal reserves. Instead, I am exhausted. I cycle through levels of psychological trauma I didn't know was possible. And every day is just plain hard. I am struggling with the fact that not only was my life now atom bombed. But my past has been fragmented and I lost my future.

I also happen to live in a place where I don't even count because I haven't had children, so in the divorce process I will likely end up having to pay the abuser that ruined my life (and not a small amount, we're talking like $125,000), besides being stuck married to him for the next 3+ years. Where I live, spousal support is considered "women being lazy and they should get off their a** and get a real job". Also, you are free to abuse your spouse all you want, you just can't abuse any children. So...once again, I see where I stand. In the eyes of the law, I mean nothing. Also, all divorces are now no fault....no matter what happened in the relationship. It's quite disgusting really. He also has the legal right to take my pets if he wants. I also have to pay him the equivalent of what they cost as they are considered property, if I want to keep them. 

I do not mean this as a rant towards you, and I really don't mean to be harsh. I'm just very tired. And I feel defeated. So, I am not able to speak as eloquently as I would like. The cracks are starting to show and I'm just not functioning well. It makes me feel pathetic....but I'm still putting one foot in front of the other.

Elle - I hope you are faring well. I have been following your posts as you go through the journey. I pray your legal system is better to you than here. Do you have separation requirements you have to meet before filing?