Anon2222 wrote:

I'm not sure how I feel right now. He's living "our" dream life apparently. I got all the pain and none of the reward I guess.

 
What! No reward?
You rid yourself of a fake husband. You get to start again. Yip we know... it's unfair, wrong, stressful. But if he turned around tomorrow and said "come holiday with me"
would you go?

The most difficult thing was to shift my focus from somebody who cared more  about his place in our r'ship' than mine. But as soon as I did shift it he stopped featuring in my every thought.
We're allowed to be bitter.....but we can't let the Mindfuck consume us

❤️

So. I am not being a doormat anymore, and I can tell he really doesn't like it.

When he texted me that he had the next 2 weeks off and was off for a tropical beach vacation. My reply was "I see. We never did do that vacation. It makes sense that now that you've dumped me you would go on it." I asked him why he had told me this and what did he hope to get out of it. He said he was only letting me know in case I needed something from him while he was gone. To which, I again asked him why he would do that. He was like, what do you mean.

So, I just laid it out. He hasn't been in touch with me (other than the odd text message) for months. He has not told me anything about his life (I have absolutely no idea what he does with his time). And any time I have needed him for anything and asked for help he hasn't bothered to come. So what else was he trying to accomplish with telling me about his vacation other than to rub my face in it and make me feel like shit?

I have yet to receive a response.

At the beginning of this I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I believed him when he said he hadn't meant to hurt me and felt terrible. I believed that he wanted to make sure I was taken care of. I was prepared to make this as smooth as possible.

Now I kinda want to go for blood....I want to see him suffer. Take him for every penny I can. Then he can catch an STD and burn in hell. Which is very unlike me. I don't like this vindictive, hateful, untrusting person I have become. But I'm starting to look at this process and feel like I really don't deserve this shit and why should he just get to walk away from all his obligations and life without having to pay for it....

I know it sounds great to get the person who has caused you pain back. I struggle with my thoughts and try to make sure I am not acting out of anger. I have chosen to center my heart around getting better for myself. I don't want my husband’s actions to stop me from pursuing my best life. I want my peace back.

I have this posted on my mirror:

“Living well is the best revenge.”  In other words, rather than plotting your retaliation, just go on living your life.  Trust me, it works better than any retribution you can dream up.

It helped when I had a few unpleasant conversations with my GID husband this weekend. The pain is not as tender because I have accepted that he won’t change, but I have!

a really nice person???

the one who wants to rub your nose in his vacation plans?

really really really - go for the jugular, get as much money as you can in the divorce, don't hesitate for one moment.

MJM017 wrote:

. I feel there was a void with him. I have no idea who my late ex really was emotionally.

I feel this. I feel like he is a stranger. I feel like I don't even know the man I was married to. 

I also honestly feel like I have gone insane. Like, in a legit medical way. I have several mental illnesses, and I have never in my life felt like this before. I have never gone off the rails, so to speak. I am suffering such an extreme level of mental distress and anguish that I am no longer functioning normally.

And, I am struggling, hard. I can see that he has done nothing but cause me pain. He is well aware of my medical history....and he has chosen to fuck with me. 

One night he lost it and went around screaming in anger. He broke a door. I told him that night I was afraid of him, that I was afraid he could turn around and hit me. His response....I hurt his feelings that I would even think he was capable of that because he would never hit me. Like, he was actually hurt and offended by how I could feel that way. And...I remember thinking....well, I have no idea what you are capable of anymore...so how should I know...

The day/night that I laid on the floor, in agonizing mental and emotional distress. Where I thought about taking a bottle of sleeping pills just so I could escape the pain....I asked him to please come home from work. That, everything aside, I needed help. He told me he couldn't leave work. Then he went out for supper with his sister.

When he finally came home, 9 hours after I asked for help, he blamed me for not communicating how serious it actually was. That I should have been more clear and better articulated that I needed help because how was he supposed to know if I didn't tell him. I told him that I needed him to leave. That I could not have him in the house with me that night. I was so very fragile....and he laughed at me and said no.

When I stared at him in shock, he then back pedaled and said oh he could, but it was late, and where was he supposed to go and how could I do this to him. He had to work tomorrow. At that point I was just numb so told him to do what he wanted to do. 

I have struggled with feeling worthless and broken because of my mental health. And why I couldn't just "suck it up" or deal with things better. Constantly blamed myself for being too sensitive, and that somehow it was my fault. I have spent so much time telling myself that if only I reacted better, provided more support, didn't have this stupid broken brain, could just be normal....

Last night I thought about it. If I had cancer, would people fuck around with me? Would people tell me to just deal with the chemo side effects better? Or recover from surgery faster? Would people find it ok for him to mock a cancer patient? Or call him brave for dumping his cancer riddled wife in the shittiest way possible?

I told him at the beginning of this whole thing (when he made his announcement of being "bi" and frying panned me in the face with it).....that I could not handle it if he one day sat me down and said I'm gay and I'm leaving you. I was completely honest, vulnerable, and I laid it out on the line. I told him, that he would destroy me as a person if he did that. He promised to never do that to me. He promised to discuss the issues with me. That if any doubts arose, he would discuss it with me. We would work together. There would be no surprises.

And then he chose to lie. To my face. And fuck around with my mind. And I thought about it. This is as cruel as withholding insulin from a diabetic child. He actively chose to destroy me. He didn't have to go that route. He could have treated me with respect and kindness. He could have discussed his doubts, told me in a much nicer/safer way, been there for me as I broke down, had a financial plan in place (and not drained our accounts for his new lifestyle and leave me with nothing). He could have called to check in on how I was doing on occasion. He could have done so very many things to treat me like a human being. Instead....he claims complete innocence in all of this. That he didn't mean for this to happen. That he regrets it and lives in guilt. Well...that's all fine and dandy there, but you chose to do it. Feeling bad after the fact does what exactly? So, you've apologized via text....but then abandon me and just continue to be a selfish prick.

I would not be able to ever do this to anyone.

I told him to leave me alone and not contact me. I don't care if my email sounded crazy. Maybe I am crazy. But I can't have him in my life at this point because he won't stop fucking with me....