OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Adult Child meeting with Ex-Wife and new partner

**Posted by Charting My Path** October 18, 2022 8:02 pm

My lesbian ex-spouse came out about 4 years ago and left our son (who was 16 when she left and 20 now and lives with me) and I pretty much alone (aside from divorce issues) except for a few small patches of time where she and our son met for a few times and then things went cold between them again. Our divorce was finalized this past June and my ex immediately announced that she was getting married to a woman she had been seeing for a year and a half. All of a sudden the push is on by her to re establish a motherly relationship for our son and have him get together frequently with her and her live in partner. My son wants to have some relationship with her and not adverse to meeting with her partner (it's just another person to have dinner with).

I have extreme problems with this thawing of his relationship with his mother and the thrusting of her new partner into his life (and indirectly my life). My ex-wife created great emotional and financial problems for him and I by her leaving the house and family, We had a horrific divorce which caused my son great stress as he feared us having to sell the house (we didn't). This turn of events has caused me great stress and to be honest I am not comfortable with him being around his mother and her partner because I don't approve of gay relationships (nor does he) and because I feel this woman while not the actual woman my ex-wife left me for she represents what my ex was looking for when she left and the life she wanted. Also I have taken care of my son through several problems some of which my ex-wife's leaving caused over the last 4 years. She won't even admit her actions caused the problems.

I have no problem him visiting and being with his mother. I do have a problem with being with her partner. I feel like I was removed from the family and replaced with this woman. This issue is retriggering the anger and feeling of betrayal I felt when my ex-wife came out and left. How do I deal with this?

**Posted by Rob** October 18, 2022 8:52 pm

Welcome to the support forum..

My kids are older and I think your son is old enough to decide for himself what relationship he wants with his mother and rightly or wrongly her new partner. Throughout my also horrific divorce I wanted to make sure my kids knew they had a mother and a father.. this worked out well.. I have no more control over their relationship with the mother+cohomewrecker then I do the tides or weather.

My kids are doing great... they have 2 houses to go to.. They know who to go to when they need fierce support and not to get screamed at...its not their mother or her friend. I can only believe that God is looking down and knows what we do/did for our kids... we help our kids with their problems whether they thank us or not... whether they forget that their other parent did not. And that is the difference between us and these spouses.. it is so much more than them being gay and us being straight.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** October 18, 2022 9:35 pm

I agree with Rob. Your son is old enough to make up his own mind. She is still his mother. She always will be
and their r'ship is between 2 adults, mother and son.

I've often thought about how I would handle a situation like yours. I think I would endeavor to be the bigger
person and accept it. Best of luck, you can do this

Elle

**Posted by Daryl** October 18, 2022 10:59 pm

The thing is, your son knows who was there for him over the years and who was not.
You cannot be removed from that past. Try not to force him to choose, or bad mouth this person. It might generate the opposite result. I guess there's also a chance that your ex, and this person, might try to buy his affections, or be the 'fun-time party-place'. That would be hard for any young person to resist. If you've raised him with a good moral and responsible core, that won't work for long.

**Posted by Charting My Path** October 19, 2022 10:26 am

Thank you all for your comments. I hear you. My brain knows you are correct but my heart isn't convinced. I do agree both head and heart that the last thing I want is to push my son away.