Alimomof3 wrote:

Please tell me it will get easier, at the moment I can’t see it

It does get better with time. I will not lie, you will have to go through it to get to the other side. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's truly awful. My marriage ended after 19 years (23 together) when she told me she had fallen in love with a woman. Long story short, everything you describe is what I felt, I gave this woman half my life, made career decisions around her, lived my life for her and in what at the time seemed in the blink of an eye, she threw it all away. I'm in a good place now, but it's not perfect.

I would like to tell you; don't shut people out. You need to unburden yourself of this, share with close friends, mental health professionals, etc. Going inward will make the journey to the other side longer, more painful. I can empathize with how you feel, I didnt eat for weeks. I was literally crushed by the news, what it meant for me, my 3 kids and my life. I think my ex has some other challenges in her life as well and she is actually a Psychologist, but as the saying goes, Dr's make the worst patients...

You can and will weather this. One step at a time, one day at a time. Again, I am so sorry. Feel free to contact me anytime. I am a stranger, but it was strangers from this site, friends I hadnt spoken with in years that carried me. You arre worthy of love and kindness and none of this is your fault. NONE OF IT! 
 

Thank you for your message, I feel like my living in a nightmare. I honestly can’t believe it’s happened, like yourself I’m struggling with eating and sleeping. I met with a counsellor last week and will be again on Wednesday night im struggling to see the outcome of this situation.
I’m the only person (besides from the person he met online) that he has come out to and don’t get me wrong part of me does feel sorry that he felt he had to live a lie, I just wish I wasn’t taken along for the ride!! I feel like I’ve joined him in the closet and I have closed myself off to family and close friends. It’s hard for them sure they don’t know what to say. What’s keeping me going is our beautiful kids but I feel such guilt that they have to go through this and the perfect family they thought we had was built on lies.

You deserve the support of your loved ones!  Don't shut out your friends and family.  He has a secret and lied to you for years.  It's blowing up your life now... You're allowed to tell your support system why your marriage is ending.  That will allow them provide the support you need right now!  Since you'll be co-parenting you may want to remain on ok terms with your stbx, but just tell your friends/fam to not put up a billboard outing him.  That's all you owe him, and only because he's your children's father.  You do NOT need to protect his social life while he actively blowing up yours.  

If he's out skanking around all night and not coming home until the next day, what would he suggest you say about it to friends and family? He might not want to tell the world, but he's out there. He will eventually be seen. This is your story and you have the right to tell it.

So glad you opened  up to a friend!  Having someone in your day to day life who knows the truth and will listen to you is life saving.   If you are close to family they are your next line of support.   

As for trying to keep things calm so your children are not affected: your older children are old enough to see and know that there is tension in the house, however much you are working to smooth over the problem.  It's difficult for me to believe they don't know that their father is out catting around all night some nights.  Trying to keep lines of communication open with them, so they don't feel they must tiptoe around tension they might perceive, might be useful both you and your children.  You cannot be expected to juggle everything on your own, and the truth is that it's highly unlikely, given your partner's behavior, that you will be allowed to gracefully end that juggling set without one or more pieces of it crashing.  

In my last post I did not urge you to tell him to leave, because you said you "didn't mind him staying while [your] girls come to terms with the breakup," but as you are now saying you think you ask him to leave if he stays out again I will say that I think for both you and your girls his leaving asap is the healthiest course.  He's modeling disrespect for you and for them by coming and going in this way, and you, by allowing it, are modeling being willing to be walked on, rather than modeling the self-respect I imagine you want your girls to see.  Also, "coming to terms with the breakup" is only going to happen when there is one, and there are clear lines, like his moving out. As long as he stays in the household, there's no clear "breakup."  

 So sorry he's dealt you this blow.  It's so very hard, so painful, so unfair, and so not your fault--none of it.   He kept you in the dark, and you were able to see only what he allowed you to see, and you made your decisions in good faith based on what he represented to be true.