Posted by MarriedLife  October 7, 2022 3:18 pm | #1 |
I blame myself from the very beginning. He was a swinger in his former marriage. He had expressed interest in being dominated. Said he never trusted anyone to be submissive with. With an open mind I jumped in, all too willing to please this man and give him something he’d “never had”. He was “curious” what it felt like to be pegged. He showed me strap on videos and claimed to have never done anything like it before. I introduced anal beads one time and one time only. Flash forward, we get married. He became stepdad to my kids.
That was all a lie! He had hookups for blowjobs (is all he says he had) and was on trans dating sites. This was before me. But I feel that should have been disclosed before we got serious. I fooled myself to believing if I satisfied his sexual desires it wouldn’t go further, it wouldn’t be him missing out. Well our sex life is dead. He pushes for sex but it doesn’t feel right. It feels forced or like he’s not there. He will start a huge fight about how he’s doing all he can to save our marriage but all the while wanting this secret life.
Since February he has been obsessing over dressing as a woman daily, buying more and more clothes, wigs, makeup. When the kids aren’t home, he’s doing makeup, trying on new clothes or wigs for hours up to 6 hours at a time.
He has began using social media accounts as a trans woman. And posting lots of new pics of him dressed and in full makeup. He’s giddy and like a school girl with the flirts and compliments. When I said idk how I feel about that, he said well there have been guys over the years that hit on me or tried getting in my pants. I’m extremely uncomfortable and if I’m being honest I do not trust that he isn’t trying to find sex partners.
He wants to go out to a club soon as his fem side. And he said he figured he’d get a hotel room to get ready in as we have teens at home and they can’t know about this.
I’m lonely. He’s not here emotionally he’s his word “obsessed” with the “pink fog”.
We moved a few years ago I have no friends here. I don’t work currently and haven’t as he’s the breadwinner. I have no one I can talk to about this. My family hasn’t always been a big fan of him as it is. I imagine if they knew this they’d get mouthy to him. His job is remote. So a lot of his life revolves around his fantasies.
Whenever I’ve spoken openly about being uncomfortable or saying I don’t like the thought of him needing attention from other CD/trans to feel loved (he said he needs to feel loved, valued and accepted by other CD’s). I asked why he needs recognition, approval and acceptance from people that don’t know his real life role, name or career. He hears what he wants or he twists what I said to deflect from my feelings and turn it to how it made him feel. But is adamant he isn’t gay or questioning his sexuality.
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Posted by Abby October 7, 2022 4:40 pm | #2 |
Welcome to the club that none of us wanted to join. You know that you are not o.k. with what's going on in your marriage and you have every right to your feelings, whether or not he acknowledges them.
He is not going to stop what he is doing and at best you will only be a prop in his play, one less and less needed as he moves forward with his plans. He is building a trans support system and it's time for you to start building yours.
We've got your back but who do you have in your daily life? A good place to start is scheduling an appointment with your doctor to make sure that you have not picked up any sexually transmitted diseases. You can also share how you feel about this ask for a referral to a counselor. If you were married before and divorced, perhaps contact that attorney to learn your legal if you were comfortable with that representation.
My mantra going through the end of my marriage (husband left to pursue his new life) was "Whatever he is, he isn't for me." That's really says it all.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
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Posted by MarriedLife October 7, 2022 8:27 pm | #3 |
Thanks for replying. It’s so hard keeping it inside and some days I guess I’m better at deceiving myself. I keep myself busy with my teens, reading, pets and occasionally I see a glimpse of the man I married and I think maybe it’s all in my head.
A couple weeks ago his therapist gave him some delta 8 shit so he can try to stop his obsession or tame his excitability and get some sleep at night. This has kept him awake which then keeps me awake when he’s up and down all night as we share a bed. He’s glued to his iPhone constantly. When I expressed concern for needing things to shut it off, he told me this is normal for cross dressers.
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Posted by OutofHisCloset October 8, 2022 8:28 am | #4 |
MarriedLife,
My now ex was also a fetish crossdresser who wanted to be dominated (although in my case he revealed this after 32 years of marriage).
Sounds as if you are currently thinking you don't have options, even though the life you're living with your husband is not acceptable to you. So along with Abby and MJM I would say that high on your list is to take some actions to investigate what options you have that you currently don't see.
I don't know whether this next bit is accurate, but based on my experience with my own ex and the reading and work I did to get away, I wonder if you may also be feeling some shame that is preventing you from talking to others, perhaps because you think you are in some way responsible for your predicament (you say you were "all too willing to please" and "introduced" some sex "toys").
Men like this are very good at manipulating while seeming to be open, and grooming you to accept more and more, including taking more responsibility. This is part of their fetish to be dominated. They are in the driver's seat, suggesting things or talking about them, and making clear what they want, but they want us to act. This is called "topping from the bottom," and it's easy to be taken in by it.
Please also don't discount the possibility that you are trauma bonded with your husband. He pushed you to engage in sexual acts for him, and responded positively when you did, but pushed back and made his unhappiness clear when you try/tried to assert a boundary. This produces a disordered emotional bond that keeps you off balance and second guessing yourself.
I think you know it's not all in your head. It's his head that's screwed on wrong, not yours.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz October 8, 2022 1:38 pm | #5 |
MarriedLife wrote:
Thanks for replying. It’s so hard keeping it inside and some days I guess I’m better at deceiving myself. I keep myself busy with my teens, reading, pets and occasionally I see a glimpse of the man I married and I think maybe it’s all in my head.
A couple weeks ago his therapist gave him some delta 8 shit so he can try to stop his obsession or tame his excitability and get some sleep at night. This has kept him awake which then keeps me awake when he’s up and down all night as we share a bed. He’s glued to his iPhone constantly. When I expressed concern for needing things to shut it off, he told me this is normal for cross dressers.
As long as you keep looking for glimpses of the man you married you'll keep hoping to see them and you'll never truly accept what's happened/happening to you. This is not all in your head, you know it's not, we know it's not but you'll have to see & accept it yourself that you and your children are not deserving of this kind of behavior & response from a man who wants to be something/one else.
It's a clarity....a truth, a realisation that this is not how you want your life to be that will release you and even though you're bound by the trappings of "married life"....teenagers, pets, shopping, your life....and it's what makes you comfortable, feel safe almost? you have to see that the man you married is driving all this and using it to make it easier on himself.
Welcome to this Forum. We all know what you're having to deal with, even if your situation isn't exactly the same as some of us....we all know the selfishness of significant others who keep/have kept secrets about themselves for years.
I'm back in my own bed after a small upset in sleeping arrangements and it's wonderful. Best thing to start separating emotionally is to change your sleeping arrangement. I did it. You can too. If you feel tied financially to the man you married start with small but determined steps and remove yourself from the cause of unsettled nights. It's just not fair! Why should your sleep be disturbed just because his is!
Sending you thoughts of strength and a clearing of the selfish cross-dressing mist that surround you
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by MarriedLife October 13, 2022 12:05 pm | #6 |
Thank you to everyone that replied and reminded me I’m not alone. I have scheduled myself a session with a therapist in 2 weeks.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz October 14, 2022 12:47 pm | #7 |
I am so sorry that you find yourself here. Please know that I am holding a good thought for you and also for Elle
Stop. Using. My. Name. In. Your. Comments.
From Admin: Honor this request or you will be banned.
Edit 2 from Admin: Gloria did not honor this request and has been banned.
Last edited by Sam (Admin) (October 15, 2022 10:34 am)
KIA KAHA
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Posted by lily October 15, 2022 10:48 am | #8 |
thanks Sam.
Last edited by lily (October 15, 2022 10:49 am)
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Posted by Victo October 15, 2022 10:55 am | #9 |
Literally, wtf?!
We are banning people now for being thoughtful?
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Posted by Victo October 15, 2022 11:03 am | #10 |
I find this behavior highly questionable - especially the capricious bullying.
