Posted by Phil9999  October 5, 2022 9:54 am | #1 |
Everyone,
My wife told me on the night of our oldest 5th birthday party that she is a lesbian and that last year when her dad died her uncle made a comment and it got her thinking as to why she never seemed settled and when her girlfriends would talk about their husbands in a sexual manner she didn't feel the same. She said with every boyfriend she had before we married 8 years ago it was the same unsettled feeling. We just moved into a new home a month ago and tbh i hate it because we had saved a lot of money we each could have used for our own home if she told me last August 2021 that she was seeking clarity I wouldn't have agreed to build this new place. So now she also tells me we need to keep this a secret until we have things sorted out but she is happy it is off her chest. She is engaging the LGBT+ community for support but my normal support network family and friends I can't go to. I want to say fuck it this is your problem I don't need to keep it a secret I need support to but part of me knows that will only make things worse and our kids (3 and 5) have no idea of anything yet despite mommy sleeping in a different bedroom the past week(her choice as she says she can't lay in same bed(king size) with me. We now take turns using the bathroom as she doesn't want to be in a state of undress in front of me as it now makes her uneasy(despite 12 years of seeing her naked daily).
I had a situation with my brother a long time ago that made it hard to assume things were good even if they were. I had gone to therapy and moved forward in it. But this has completely reset the fucking clock on all that.
How do I trust anyone that they want me for me and aren't just having me for the time being until they know what they want. I am only 41 and want a partner to share life with. I can't even begin to meet knew people as the community we are in knows I am married to my wife and doesn't know anything else. My coworkers have already started asking what is up as they see a difference in my demeanor and I just say life.
My wife is always saying she needs to be her authentic self and she needs to be happy which I agree with. However, her happiness has created anxiety and stress and unhappiness with me and she seems to not give a fuck. I don't want to keep the relationship but I feel now that she has told me she shouldn't be dictating al the terms of how this will play out. For 12 years of dating and marriage I thought I had found my one. I also lost 12 years of my life living a lie. The only good memories from those years are my boys and stuff I did solo as I don't want to remember thinking I was happy when it was a lie.
Now in time I hope to find someone who has to be okay with helping me and my two sons and dealing with their now lesbian mother and also have no desire for any new kids( they can have their own for a blended family) but I am done with having additional kids. 12 years ago when I was single all those variables wouldn't even need to be considered when finding a partner I feel now I am in a more difficult spot to try and find happiness again and I definitely didn't like being alone during my 20's which it now seems I will be for the beginning of my 40's.
Frustrated, angry, confused and lacking all trust.
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Posted by Anon2222 October 5, 2022 12:33 pm | #2 |
Welcome to the mind fuck *waves*
Together for 18 years, married for 16. He dictated everything and single handedly ruined my entire life. Emotionally, physically, psychologically. Everything. I'm on my second week of being alone, as he moved out.
I had no say in anything. He decided he was gay. Decided he wanted a divorce. Decided to move out within weeks of telling me. In doing so, he destroyed our finances (I will never in my life joint anything ever again).
So I am left with the shattered pieces of my life....working 50-60 hours/week trying to pay the bills on our dream home. With 5 pets that we got together (who are ridiculously expensive). He walked away from everything. All responsibilities, the house, you name it.
I wonder if the last 18 years were a lie. I have a hard time now thinking about any of our time together....because now I wonder what was real and what was a lie. He claims he didn't know until recently....but how is that possible?
I'm waiting for this magical moment where it "gets better" as so far I'm depressed as F and every day I just feel worse.
Keep sharing. It helps. Everyone here knows the process/thoughts/feelings well.
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Posted by Rob October 5, 2022 1:33 pm | #3 |
Welcome.
Lol..she is going to her community but you are not allowed to go your support network..friends, family.
She can have support but you can't.
My gx isolated me like this..she had her new gay lover but I was supposed to only go to her.
Your spouse cannot be both a tyrant and a counselor. She cannot be both friend, lover etc and the one hurting you. This you know deep in your bones.
Reach out to friends and family..build YOUR support system. You took the first step by posting here. Do not let her isolate you as if she was a god or supreme being. She has already betrayed your trust and getting it off her chest onto to you does not mean she hasn't betrayed you.
Wishing you strength and fortitude.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz October 5, 2022 2:11 pm | #4 |
Phil9999 wrote:
....... So now she also tells me we need to keep this a secret until we have things sorted out but she is happy it is off her chest. She is engaging the LGBT+ community for support but my normal support network family and friends I can't go to. ......
Don't let her tell you what to do!! Don't let her convince you keeping silent will be good for you and your children!!
Find and confide in a friend or family member, someone who will keep your confidence, who you trust. You won't see your situation clearly until you say the words to somebody else. This is what the woman you married is doing with the LGBTQ community.
Find yourself a lawyer (most important) get some advice, you'll need it.
Edited to add.....your children at 3 and 5 simply need to have the people most important in their lives close and giving them love. Children at that age are like sponges so keep your answers to their questions honest and age-appropriately real
Be well Phil, we're here to talk 
Elle
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (October 5, 2022 2:17 pm)
KIA KAHA
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Posted by RickySpanish October 5, 2022 2:24 pm | #5 |
We're living similar lives Phil. I feel for you and hope the low days get easier for you.
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Posted by Phil9999 October 5, 2022 2:41 pm | #6 |
I am going to bring this up to her about me not talking to my normal support group. She suggested i find an online group thus I found you all. It is going to be messy and tbh I would rather not be asked a million questions i don't have the answers to yet.
I did get a lawyer already and have another group i am a part of that has advice on divorcing and moving on.
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Posted by lily October 5, 2022 6:43 pm | #7 |
Yes, it's going to be messy, glad to hear you have a lawyer. We're all honing in on the same point, you will know as soon as you start talking how incredibly good it is for you, how much you have been keeping her secret. don't wait for answers, talk to the people with the million questions!
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Posted by Blackie563 October 5, 2022 7:58 pm | #8 |
Phil - Im sorry you have to go through this. I am married 19 years, together 23 and got the same bomb several months back. While its still hard, the reason I am fully functioning today is because I took control the very day she told me. I have not missed a single day in the gym, not 1. I wake at 435am and workout. I meditate. I have a wide network of friends, not local, that I confide in. You MUST tell people and get this off your chest. Its a bigger stressor than you realize. It nearly broke me, but I came off that low relatively quickly. I ask for the divorce, I am pushing us along, I make decisions, not her.
The worst part is, I dont even think she is a lesbian. She is suffering a mid-life crisis and nothing she does or says makes any sense. Her friend group are a bunch of women who live pardon my french, but fucked up lives and of course they empathize with her lying, betrayal, etc because thats what they all do, its normal for them. My friends are all married and stable and call me out on my bullshit. You need that balance, not reassurance, but truth.
Its going to be very hard. I am not over it yet. But what I am is 42, dropped 27lbs in less than 2 months, I look anmazing, women notice and I am dating. I know I am emotionally compromised, so I am taking everything VERY slowly. I would not recommend trying to date, mine just sort of happened. All of this and she (soon to be ex) lives in the basement. She has made her bed and will now lie in it. You dont get to destroy my life, damage my kids and then come back. She hasnt come back and I doubt she will, too arrogant. The point is, you must decide who youre going to be, how youre going to be it, and how you are going to get there. Not her.
Good luck my friend. Again, I am so sorry.
