Posted by anon11235  September 29, 2022 3:00 pm | #1 |
Hey, I'm new here, hope you will let me ramble a bit.
My wife recently told me she is a lesbian. She had told me years before that she was bi, but that was fine for me. Now I'm feeling totally blindsided. I really don't think she was hiding it from me until now. It sucks it turned out this way, but it's something she has just come to terms with herself. We're 28 now, we've been together since we were 20, dating for 5 and married for 3. We were so happy and I really thought we had made it and gotten lucky to find each other early. We finished college and built our entire adult lives together - I've never actually lived alone. My whole identity, lifeplan, everything is wrapped up with her. She's the only serious, long-term relationship I've ever had as well.
I have no idea what to do now. I'm not mad at her - I want her to be free and happy to be herself, I just thought it would be with me. But we did pretty much everything together and had a great relationship built on love, trust, kindness, and shared interests.
I trust her implicitly and know it's been a huge struggle for her to get to this point
She wants to move pretty quickly and start divorce stuff and move out. We've luckily got no kids, but we have a house and dogs that we have to figure out. She doesn't want the house, and I immediately feel like I do because uprooting where I live right now seems like too much.
I find myself wanting to spend as much time as I can with her because soon I know she'll be gone, but I know that isn't a good idea. I have to find other ways to fill this massive hole, but I don't know how.
I don't really even know what my life and identity looks like outside of this relationship. How do you find out?
I'm also really scared that now I've known happiness and a really good relationship and now I'll never get it again, and I'll just be stuck knowing how good it used to be.
I have already been working with a therapist for a while for anxiety, depression, and self-confidence, so at least I was making progress there. And I've got family and friends around to support me. We shared responsibilities around the house so I'm a functional man and can cook, clean, etc by myself, but it's just going to suck.
I just don't know what to do now. What's next? How do I live alone? Do I stay in the house with the life we built, or will that be miserable? I don't even feel like I really know who I am.
Last edited by anon11235 (September 29, 2022 5:35 pm)
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Posted by Victo September 29, 2022 3:24 pm | #2 |
Welcome to the mindfuck.
My wife mentioned that she had experienced a same sex hookup back in college. She had said she was a hedonist. She told me this before we were married, and I chalked it up to hedonistic college behavior, and I wrongly assumed it meant she would be sexually active with me as a spouse.
After being married, more details started to come out - like that after college, she had lived in San Francisco with a pair of lesbians. Then, I found out her college experiences were more, um, thorough than she had let on. Then there was the way that no matter what city we found ourselves living in, I always found myself somehow attending lesbian parties full of lesbian women. These were the friends my wife made. Then there was the married lesbian partners who my wife developed a particularly strong friendship with. Then there was the way she admiringly talked about her father’s serial cheating behavior - but only that he seemed to be having sex with a lot of different women, and the way she phrased it put the emphasis on ‘women’. Then there was the total lack of sexual interest in me, the misandry, and the resentment of my sexuality and needs. The way she tried to have a family through IVF instead of just having sex with me. Then came the increasing closeness with one of the married lesbians.
Then came the sudden realization that she was having a secret affair with her friend. Then, when I expressed my frustration with how she had lied to me for decades about her lesbianism, she had the gall to say she had always told me about her “bisexuality”.
Bullshit. If there were two sexualities inside her, they were In-denial-lesbian, and asexual.
Basically, she knew all along and lied to me. For decades.
Recovery is not easy because I continue to struggle with the idea that despite all my experience, I do not know anything about real chemistry and connection. I have never been with a partner who wanted me for me, rather, my partner simply wanted me for what it allowed her to present to the outside world.
It is a total mindfuck. On the deepest levels.
My recommendation is to lean in your therapist, and on your friends and family. Dedicate a couple years to accepting your true life and true self. Pledge to NOT date for awhile and instead focus on activities that enrich and enhance you. What do you love that you had to give up or curtail in order to be with your wife? Do those things.
Focus on you and being the most honest and fullest version of yourself. Do that and meanwhile get as far away from your deceitful spouse as you can get.
Most likely, you were committed to her and she was committed to her lie. That imbalance was soo unfair to you that you likely don’t yet realize how much damage has been done.
I’m sorry you find yourself here. Good luck.
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Posted by Daryl September 29, 2022 5:31 pm | #3 |
It's not rambling, it's necessary for you to unpack this somewhere. It's also helpful to be able to read it later to remind yourself of the truth and, later, how far you've progressed.
I think it's interesting that she has no interest in the house. Makes me suspect there is someone else already on the horizon where she plans to live.
Keeping the house, or not, is something you need to consider. The impact of making a 'fresh start'. If you do stay put, make the place yours by redecorating, move things around. Don't live in a museum to your past. Make it about the future.
Learn about how to detach. Indulge in hobbies or try new things to see if there's one that speaks to you. Come here as often as you wish. There is a future for all of us.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
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Posted by Abby September 29, 2022 5:59 pm | #4 |
If you are like most couples part of the decision about the house will be whether either of you can afford to keep it. If you can and you still like it and the location, go for it.
If she wants a divorce the time to consult an attorney for yourself is now. I agree with Daryl that she probably has met someone and plans to live with this person. Her wish for speed can work to your benefit as long as you protect your .interests.
Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
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Posted by Blackie563 September 29, 2022 6:51 pm | #5 |
I'm sorry you are going through this. Better now in your 20's then in your 40's and with kids. You have your entire life ahead of you and will recover, it just may be hard to see right now. Depending on your state, she may be entitled to half regardless. Ohio, where I live is a no fault state, so even though my wife thinks she is a lesbian and stepped out on the marriage, it doesnt matter. She gets half of everything if she wants it. I am hoping she keeps her words not to do that, but keeping her word hasn't really been her thing....
Every situation is unique. Trust your gut more than anyone elses. Protect your interests and take good self care. Hang in there, it will get better, but it may get worse first...
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Posted by Anon2222 September 29, 2022 11:57 pm | #6 |
Welcome Fellow Anon
Our stories are strikingly similar.
My husband told me he was bi at the very beginning of 2020. It was rocky, but I worked hard to overcome the lies that led up to that point and rebuild the trust and relationship. I got married at 19. Went from living at home with my parents to moving in with my newly minted hubby.
3 months ago he sat down beside me and said "I'm gay and I want a divorce". There was no sugar coating or softening the blow. This was just prior to out 16th wedding anniversary. Been together a total of 18 years.
I too built my entire adult life around this person. We went to university together, first career jobs, layoffs, houses. I thought the relationship was great, that we were soulmates. We had an entire life plan up to being married for 50+ years and growing old on a porch swing together.
He moved very quickly. From the announcement to moving out was 8 weeks. He didn't want anything. He walked away from the house, me, the dogs, everything. Didn't take a single picture or memento. Nothing.
I too, have no idea who I am. He moved out last Saturday so I am approaching the one week mark. The morning he moved out he kissed me on the head and told me he loved me. Then walked away.
Welcome to the mind fuck.
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Posted by Gloria September 30, 2022 6:41 am | #7 |
I am so sorry. I will hold a good thought tor you.
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Posted by firefly September 30, 2022 9:44 am | #8 |
Hi Anon, I am so sorry you are going through this. You sound like a very kind and empathetic person. Please know that it is OK to be angry. Anger is a part of the grieving process, and you have a lot to grieve. I understand your desire to see to her happiness. The honest truth, though, is that she likely won't be looking out for yours. You will have to do that yourself. I am glad you have a therapist. Don't hide your pain from trusted family and friends. Consult with a lawyer - at the very least so that you understand what your rights are. Vent, share, and ask questions here as you need. We truly get it.
