Posted by Lola  August 23, 2022 8:01 am | #11 |
Rob wrote:
Lola,
16 years is long time to be engaged and not living together.
That certainly takes strong love which you have shown.
From what you describe he has not shown the same.
We should be enough for our spouses/partners..we should be more than enough. I spent decades trying to be enough and make my GX happy..in the end her gayness explains a lot of why I couldn't and why she was always unhappy. Her saying I was the cause of her unhappiness when I was devoted, loving heterosexual husband was not something I could fix.
Wishing you strength and courage on your journey.
Hi Rob,
Thank you for your message, I definitely wasn’t enough, I understand now why, why he never touched me, why he was always so distant, and always furious. How could he love me when he doesn’t love himself.
I’m still very lost, everyday I wake up wondering if it was only a nightmare.
I try to focus on myself, keep going on therapy, begin sport, bought a new hand bag, lot of skincare hair care stuff. Went to the hairdresser..
I hope I will have some answers one day.
Thank you for the support
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Posted by jgsurvivor August 23, 2022 10:29 am | #12 |
know ur experience is one shared by us, u are likely in a shocked state where u numb up to protect urself
find a different place and go no contact
its not that we dont know the answer, its just that we cant fathom it
you will overcome this.
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Posted by lily August 23, 2022 3:37 pm | #13 |
I met my ex because we were both members of the same religious group. When he said to me we were not responsible for each other's happiness I just agreed with him, after all happiness is between me and God isn't it, that is what I believed anyway.
I often look back to that moment though and all I can think is how could I have let him get away with that.
When I look back I can see how much I naturally did to make him happy without thinking about it, it was so instinctive in me to care for his happiness. Did he care about mine?
I missed out on so much married to him.
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Posted by LostAtSea August 23, 2022 4:27 pm | #14 |
I met my ex because we were both members of the same religious group. When he said to me we were not responsible for each other's happiness I just agreed with him, after all happiness is between me and God isn't it, that is what I believed anyway.
I often look back to that moment though and all I can think is how could I have let him get away with that.
When I look back I can see how much I naturally did to make him happy without thinking about it, it was so instinctive in me to care for his happiness. Did he care about mine?
I missed out on so much married to him.
THIS!! I feel the same way Lily. I cared more about his happiness than my own. Apparently he cared only about himself and my life didn’t matter.
I learn now that my happiness is the only thing that matters.
As much as it hurt and as much as I struggle to this day and it’s been 20 months since my world shattered...I am better today knowing I won’t leave this Earth thinking I had a devoted spouse and partner.
God’s timing I won’t understand why it took 16 years of my life, but at least it didn’t take a lifetime to reveal itself.
And when I ask God why I couldn’t have children with him.....today God showed me why.
Last edited by LostAtSea (August 23, 2022 5:04 pm)
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Posted by jgsurvivor August 23, 2022 5:01 pm | #15 |
I met my ex because we were both members of the same religious group. When he said to me we were not responsible for each other's happiness I just agreed with him, after all happiness is between me and God isn't it, that is what I believed anyway.
I often look back to that moment though and all I can think is how could I have let him get away with that.
When I look back I can see how much I naturally did to make him happy without thinking about it, it was so instinctive in me to care for his happiness. Did he care about mine?
I missed out on so much married to him.
thats narcspeak. basically grooming you and telling you no matter how he hurts you, he isnt responsible..or she isnt responsible. its all the same. gaslighting u before specific gaslighting. predatory and evil.
im a man, i lost 20 yrs to my lezex.
we never let them get away w anything. we r trusting empaths who had no frame of reference or could even imagine there were people like this
narcs prey on empaths
when i dated after i still pulled in narcs. narcs prey on empaths.
dont worry, your sensory apparatus is being retuned. then u can just look at one and see
ur gonna make it out way stronger, i can promise u that
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Posted by lily August 23, 2022 6:24 pm | #16 |
thanks Lost and jg. yes, I can see now that it was narc-speak - thanks for confirming it, at the time it just fitted seamlessly into my beliefs and that stymied any defence I might have had, without them I might have been able to go hang on a minute, why don't you care about my happiness and start questioning the facade a lot sooner - because, and again thanks for saying it, yes you are right I had no conception of someone up close and personal being so different on the inside. S'funny that but I think it's as simple as having a young brain, it wasn't developed enough at that age to do any more than assume he was basically like me.
So yes now I am quick to recognise I am talking to a narcissist though initially I still fall for the nice tone of voice. why!!
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Posted by Anon2222 August 23, 2022 6:57 pm | #17 |
When he said to me we were not responsible for each other's happiness I just agreed with him, after all happiness is between me and God isn't it, that is what I believed anyway.
When I was crying my eyes out in front of my gay husband and asking him in despair how he could do this to me. How could he have used me, lied to me, and ruined my life. He said that only I had the ability to make myself happy or believe my life was ruined. That I was responsible for my own life and what happened.
I honestly wanted to punch him in his smug ass face. Like....really?! Believing I was in a committed relationship with someone who loved me equally as much....and having that person basically spit in my face and dump me without so much as a lead in....somehow I should be what....happy? Not devastated? Somehow this should have no impact on me what so ever?!??!
But good to know that he feels only I have any impact on my life.
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Posted by jgsurvivor August 23, 2022 8:16 pm | #18 |
thanks Lost and jg. yes, I can see now that it was narc-speak - thanks for confirming it, at the time it just fitted seamlessly into my beliefs and that stymied any defence I might have had, without them I might have been able to go hang on a minute, why don't you care about my happiness and start questioning the facade a lot sooner - because, and again thanks for saying it, yes you are right I had no conception of someone up close and personal being so different on the inside. S'funny that but I think it's as simple as having a young brain, it wasn't developed enough at that age to do any more than assume he was basically like me.
So yes now I am quick to recognise I am talking to a narcissist though initially I still fall for the nice tone of voice. why!!
we all move towards or stay with what is familiar, even if its harmful. its human nature
stockholm syndrome
its not you making a 'mistake' but a well understood psychological effect
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome
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Posted by Victo August 23, 2022 8:20 pm | #19 |
Much as he’d like to project, responsibility doesn’t work like that.
Intrapersonal responsibility is about the individual. An individual is responsible for what he or she can control.
Interpersonal responsibility, on the other hand, is about one’s responsibility to those that an individual has interpersonal relationships with.
A child, for example, cannot have intrapersonal responsibility, so they must rely on a parental figure’s sense of interpersonal responsibility. It doesn’t always work out for the child.
A marriage is supposed to be a blend of both intra and inter personal responsibility. It is supposed to be an incredibly profound relationship.
For any spouse to deny this outright is total bullshit, and it tells you everything you need to know about how terrible a partner he/she is.
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Posted by lily August 24, 2022 6:13 pm | #20 |
that wikipedia article on Stockholms syndrome had turned into an extensive analysis by the time I got to the end.
It was interesting and got me thinking and yes, doesn't it make a difference to recognise how it wasn't me making a mistake so much as natural behaviour.
We're adaptive. and we get led down the garden path. When my ex said to me that my happiness wasn't his responsibility I can look back now and think it is likely it was an idle piece of justification going through his head that sounded good enough to say out loud. Good enough to keep me going down the garden path.
so here is Anon further down the path and having her whole life trashed under the same justification. It gets more stark.
there's nothing wrong with being adaptive, and just as much nothing wrong with being as adaptive as we get where love is involved. the trick is to realise you fell into the wrong hands. In good hands it's all different.
