Hi everyone,

I don’t know how to begin this, but let just say, I am completely lost and it hurts so bad.

I am now my 30’s and it has been 3 month now that I discovered my fiancé was gay.
We know each other since high school. Since then we always had been together planing to be Married when studies will be over and both work.

We agreed from the beginning that we will never be physical out side of mariage, as Islam thought us not to be. It was then clear for both of us. We do not live together either. Time has passed and the plan of being married was always postponed for all sorts of reasons, mostly coming from him.

I know his family and he knows mine.
All of them doesn’t understand why he doesn’t settle.

3 month ago from now, I got into his stuff when I was alone in his apartment. And discovered  things that led me to think he was having sexual relationship with men.
I confronted him with it, from this a deep conversation happened, one that was so meaningful like no others in 16years of knowing each other.
He opened up to me, and explained that he was rapped by multiple men (family members) during childhood, that he suffered also from the sick physical violence from his father from birth to late teenage years (that I knew already), all of that got Him lost, and prevents him from having a normal life. Normal life means go to work ( he doesn’t work, I pay for his rent), having a normal relationship with his family, none of his brother and sister talk to him, or planing to be soon married to my, as he was afraid of destroying me and the mariage, as he is deeply depressed. He was for a long time addicted to drugs. He got over it this year. I also think he is addicted to sex.

From this conversation, he became more distant then he already was. I kept looking after him, as I was completely lost, I needed answers. The only response I had was “ I am sick, all of this it’s not me, I don’t understand what is happening with me, it is killing me and killed me for all those years, the only thing that stopped me from killing myself it’s you, every time I go on a bridge and want to jump, I remember you, I know what I want, and I want it with you, but I can’t and it has been killing me for so long”.

One month after the revelation, i still deeply love him, and trying to figure out how we can make this work.
He is more distant that he ever was.
Two weeks from now, I decided to download Grindr, and found him in it. I talked to him as if I was I guy, and ask him all the questions he never answered me.

This is where the real pain begin,
He basically was  in vacation with some friends, I was not aware of it.
He is bottom, exclusively bottom, he likes being treated as a female during sex (his words). From what I understood he doesn’t sexually use his penis. He only receive sodomy, and other stuff. But do not do it himself to others. I asked him if he was in couple, to that he answered  yes with a women( me) he also shared a photo of us… offering an imaginary threesome, in which the guy would have taken me and him…
I finally asked him if he was bisexual or gay, he said, officially I’m bi.. but…
I said so the girl it’s just for the fam. To which he said yes.
Also during the conversation, he said that he was exclusively submissive to white men, because white men are superior to us brown people. Which I genuinely do not understand.
At the end of the conversation I finally revealed that it was me.
The only answer I got from him is : “ I’m not doing vacation, I’m trying not to kill myself, I knew  it was you on Grindr, so I gave you what you wanted, I already told you I’m sick, why are you looking for more, why you need to humiliate me”

I feel used, betrayed, I feel like my world is ending, that I gave my life, my love and my money  to someone who only used me as an alibi.
The thing that  kills me the most, is that I still love him so much, I feel also sorry for him, but in the meantime, I cannot believe that all of those years was a lie…

I don’t have any answers, I am still lost as it is very new, if you are reading this, if your Muslim or not, no that you are not alone, no one talk about this in our communities, it is shameful, it shouldn’t. So much harm could have been prevented from just communication.
I also can’t understand why I still want somehow that things work between us, I think I hope that He really is sick and that it’s not really him. That he didn’t used me on purpose and that he really want me as I want him.
I know it’s an illusion, that the most likely is that he is gay, and used me. But it hurts… I’m not really sure what I am looking for here, maybe others that succeeded in staying together and monogamous…

Last edited by Lola (August 19, 2022 7:46 pm)