OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Can you remain friends?

**Posted by Anon2222** July 13, 2022 4:52 pm

I am curious about couples who went thru this process and came out as friends after a divorce?

I'm wondering if this is pie in the sky thinking? Or does this really happen?

**Posted by LostAtSea** July 13, 2022 5:08 pm

I tired, but I couldn’t . Now I’m glad I didn’t.

Too remain friends is too hurtful when your “abuser” uproots your life and causes a wave of destruction without a care in the world. All the plotting and scheming, uncovering of lies after lies.

If you can and can look past the hurt, the betrayal and the dishonor...you have my deepest blessing.

**Posted by lily** July 13, 2022 7:28 pm

Everything I've heard on the subject says if you want to be friends in the future then decouple first. Clear the air.

Like most of us your initial thought is to hope you can stay friends but it's better to concentrate on getting divorced first. You need to try and get your fair share. It matters for your future and it matters for your self esteem.

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** July 14, 2022 7:58 am

During the divorce process, my now ex said "When we're over the hard part I hope we can be friends." What he meant by that was "I hope I can continue to count on you to do things for me." He also said it to try to soften me up to get a better divorce settlement for himself. It was all straight up manipulation. Thankfully I did not fall for it, because I remembered what he had said to me, how he had treated me, and how he had hidden his secret from me for decades. Like "LostAtSea," for me "all the plotting and scheming" and "uncovering of lies" meant I couldn't be friends with him.

**Posted by Grace1958** July 14, 2022 3:01 pm

This is my second go round, slightly different circumstances.
My first GX and I did remain friendly, though I don't know if you'd call us "friends". I care if he's ok, he's the kid's father. I want him to be happy, healthy.
I feel if this hubby and I split we'd be friendly too. If for no other reason that he needs things from me (computer, paperwork etc) and I need things from him (physical labor as I'm disabled). I think we'd be ok with calling each other for help. At this point what I most feel for him is pity.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** July 14, 2022 3:22 pm

I could never be "friends" with somebody who has hurt me so much

But I also know people's interpretation of the word "friend" can vary.

I'd prefer the title "acquaintance"

**Posted by Leslie77** July 15, 2022 7:19 am

We resolved to be friends during the divorce, two years ago. Couldn't happen. All his phone calls were whiney "Poor Me" attempts to try to make me feel sorry for him. I told him repeatedly never to call me again.

He texts me now & then on the pretext of seeing how I am doing but it's apparent that he doesn't really care because the "how are you?" devolves into a monologue of his new life, which is still closeted. And he doesn't understand the hurt and destruction he caused me. I moved away to another state so I never have to see him. I somehow feel better hearing from him on occasion but the truth is, I hate him. I could never be "friends" with someone who did what he did to me.

**Posted by Agl03** July 19, 2022 11:43 pm

I think everyone will have a different experience and outcome. Many of us are going into this hoping that on the other side we can still be friends....but my therapist has warned me that its not as likely. And its mostly on them who move on, lead a new life, and likely move far away. Mine is already talking of a fresh start out of state.

I will do what I need to do for the kids, I know this could mean meeting up for holidays and other family events. But I don't see myself vacationing with him and his future BF....just like I wouldn't be comfortable with him tagging along with me should I ever find someone new.

For now I'm leaving it up in the air. My goal is firmly on making sure myself and my kids are taken care of now and in the future.