I think the right answer is whatever you need to do with it. Either route is valid. If you need to keep your current name for it's recognition factor, professionally and personally, do so. If continuing to use this name brings you pain, change it. I would also think about things like a credit score. If you've never really established a personal track record with banks, credit cards, utilities, etc, start doing so now. Open an account, put some of the bills in your name, especially if you'll be keeping them long term, pay from this account, etc.

You'll never get used to not being a "Jones" until you start being a "Smith"

My advice... Start being "Smith". There will never be a better time. Think of it as the point you became your new self

Elle

I didn't immediately change my name - I thought it would be awkward to change names while in the middle of things but I had no idea how much I would come to hate still having the name - and it ended up meaning more to do to make the name change once I had established my new life with the old name.  

When it comes to divorce, you only get to do it once and then you live with the result.

So understanding him becomes an important factor in how it goes and point one Is timing.  Why did the gay factor come up when it did the first time, why has it come up now?  major family life happenings - birth of first child, death of parent, advent of lover.  My observation is that the birth of first child, the death of a parent certainly do trigger things off but are far less likely to trigger an actual confession to their spouse than a new boyfriend, and often he changes his mind later, it might be the new relationship fails or maybe he just hasn't thought it through enough and gets cold feet.

But however it has happens with your husband, here you are with the current indication that he is interested in a divorce so it helps to wake up to the adversarial nature of it sooner rather than later.  

Nice divorces happen when the nice person agrees to whatever the other one wants - my ex had opened a secret bank account and was taking cash out of our joint account to put in it.  He had a field day once divorce was looming.  Meanwhile I had no idea of this, my main concern was to make the divorce as easy as possible on him.

I don't know if you are familiar with the idea of the 'wounded inner child appeal' - the appeal of a narcissistic type of person is frequently based in the feeling that you want to help them.  They want your attention, they are only behaving badly because they don't have it - it's an endless push to get what they can out of you.

I was so lucky in my lawyer, she was ethical and kindly but knew how to stand up for me when I didn't.


 

Last edited by lily (July 11, 2022 4:08 pm)

At first I was going to keep the last name, only because I didn’t want to deal with the hassle. After  I discovered the whole truth, not because it was told to me....I wanted NOTHING to do with that last name. I wanted no association at all.

I had my maiden name as my middle name when I initially had it changed. Now I’m back to my regular name before marriage.

If it gives you heartache then I could change it. Divorce papers can allow you to do it all at once otherwise you will need to go through a court for name change. At least that’s how it is in my state.

And I read your story. Know you are not alone. I thought my relationship was solid, nothing could break it but it’s got broken because of “IT” lies. Apparently he was the only one who knew the bond wasn’t true. I had no clue! And talk about being dropped after 17 years and literally walked out the door and never returned the same.

Hugs to you!

Last edited by LostAtSea (July 12, 2022 6:47 pm)