OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Just hoping for a little guidance

**Posted by daseal21** May 23, 2022 9:33 am

One week ago, my wife of eight years (and mother to my children, ages 4 and 2) shared with me that she has come to the realization she is, in fact, gay. While I had hoped for at least a bisexual orientation, she is very certain in her feelings. She can't see a marriage where we have a physical relationship anymore, and I can't see one where we don't. So I am coming to the very sad realization that our marriage is over. We have so much to figure out.....kids, finances, living situation, etc....i just feel so very paralyzed. How do I even begin to move forward from here? I'm trying to get set up with a therapist, but its taking a bit longer than I had hoped to find one with an opening). I know there are no answers, but any insight or encouragement is welcome.

**Posted by lily** May 23, 2022 1:31 pm

Hi,

Rule No.1 - be kind to yourself. One of the best things I did was park self criticism at the door for a while. You are returning to individual operation. Except now you have children. There's nothing easy about this so rule number one - support yourself.

This is all new to you but it isn't new to your wife - she has been preparing for this she probably has a girlfriend or two helping her. Find the right people to talk to - it's important to break the seal, tell a friend, family is best, and of course it is going to affect your family too. This is very grounding.

You have just received a massive emotional shock - trust yourself at all times - your sense of paralysis is a natural response, it's self-protective. at some point you are going to have to handle feeling very angry with your wife - again trust yourself. Support yourself. Be kind even in the way you think to yourself.

Do not fall into the trap of self sacrifice for the children. At some point you will need to gather strength and thrive, that is how you will help them - as they say in airplanes, you need to put your oxygen mask on first. so you can help your children with theirs. It is the same thing.

Yes you have a lot to figure out, your wife has been preparing for this moment, you are blindsided into paralysis - take advantage of that listen to your own body and push back - maybe you can say it's a massive shock and you don't want to talk about it for a while until you've had time to think. First step of looking for help from others and finding our forum is a really good step to have taken.

this is not a nice shock like you've won lotto - emotionally speaking it's intensely painful. we know from our own experiences, I remember just wanting to know it would get better - it does, promise. It's a rollercoaster of emotion, hard to feel at times but valuable - so trust yourself at all times, be your friend, trust and support yourself. It goes back to normal in a while.

wishing you all the very best, Lily

**Posted by Daryl** May 23, 2022 1:36 pm

Hello daseal, that's a hard conversation to have. She has changed, perhaps in truth has come to terms with herself, you haven't changed. Finding a therapist is probably the best thing for you to pursue at this point. We do have a pinned post, called the 1st Aid Kit. Not everything may apply to you, but there are a lot of great suggestions and tips contained therein. Remember to breath. Take the time you need to process this. Your spouse may have been dealing with this for years, you've only had a week.

You said "I had hoped", am I reading to much into this? Were you aware this realization was potentially on the table? Or was it more like the - aha, that's the missing piece of the puzzle? Is she in a hurry to move-on, to explore? Do you have the chance to negotiate most of this between yourselves in a fair and equitable manner?

Step two should be to see what separation and divorce means in your jurisdiction. There may be good online resources and I think you'll find most lawyers offer a short consultation before you take them on for representation. Even if something like mediation is workable for you, always get a lawyer to look it over. You have to dot the i's and cross the t's correctly.

If no one is in a hurry, don't rush it. Small steps a day. If you can negotiate, start with basics like - this we agree on. Anything you don't agree on, put it in a pile called "decide later".

You can do this, even though it wasn't in your plans. There is a destination you can reach.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** May 23, 2022 2:12 pm

I posted a reply on the MOM board. I'm still with my partner Daseal, our children were grown when he dropped his bombshell. It's more difficult yet some ways easier when your little ones can more easily adapt and absorb the change of the dynamic of the r'ship you thought you had with the woman you love.

Lily is correct. Put your own oxygen mask on first

Elle

**Posted by Gloria** May 24, 2022 8:06 am

Take care of yourself. Kia stayed and I left. Do what is best for you.

**Posted by daseal21** May 24, 2022 10:20 am

Thank you all for your support and insight. I'm having a really hard time finding a handle on these emotions, as they seem to change like the wind.

In response to a previous question, when I said "I had hoped for at least a bisexual orientation", I only meant that that would have given me hope that we could make something work, not that I had suspected it. I never had any thoughts that my wife was anything but heterosexual.

I'm kind of confusing myself in somec ways. While I truly want to be angry at her (and I do certainly have waves of anger toward her), I find myself mostly angry at the universe/God/whatever you believe in. Maybe I'm naive, but I truly believe this was an unknown part of her psyche, and I have a hard time directing the anger at her because I really don't think she was hiding it from me up until her very recent enlightenment. Am I crazy for thinking I've "forgiven" her already because I don't think it was her fault in the first place? Did anyone else find it was hard to focus their anger at anyone in particular?

**Posted by OutofHisCloset** May 24, 2022 1:21 pm

In answer to your question about finding it hard to focus the anger.

Based on my own experience and what I've read here and elsewhere, when a partner drops information like this into your lap that blows up your marriage it takes some time for your head to clear and even longer to begin to detach emotionally and gain some perspective. Initially we want it not to be true, maybe deny it, look for ways out, ways to make it work, to think what they're telling us can't be real; we start looking for reasons--do they have a brain tumor? is this a midlife crisis? a reaction to something like an unwanted pass? the result of childhood trauma?--and we seek those reasons because we are still committed to our spouses and can't believe they would have kept something like this from us, or married us, if they'd known. And once we conclude that yes, they knew, or they finally were able to admit it to themselves, then we start looking for scapegoats: an oppressive homophobic family, a transphobic society, religious prohibition, etc. etc.

Every person's experience is different--some of us were deliberately targeted and deceived, some of us are just the hapless victims of spouses who were so in denial about themselves that they were unable to admit the truth to themselves--and whatever that individual experience is determines our response.

It seems to me that it's too soon for you to be drawing conclusions about your response to your spouse, although one of the more nefarious aspects of this experience is that the disclosure makes us feel our lives are so out of our own control that we reach to control them in any way we can, including by "deciding" our spouses did or did not know, etc. etc. You'll probably find that your emotions will change and alter as time goes on.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (May 24, 2022 1:22 pm)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** May 24, 2022 1:45 pm

daseal21 wrote:
.....Did anyone else find it was hard to focus their anger at anyone in particular?

Our situations can't be neatly packed in a box and clearly seen, taken out and put back when we're tired of thinking or talking about them. What's happening to us is there...all the time, there's no let up, no respite. I have a hundred emotions every day. I try not to focus on the angry* because if I do it will drown me.

I'm angry at myself for not being strong enough to leave
I'm angry at my partner because he's not who I thought he was

My life is empty of the things I thought were mine forever. But anger won't defeat me so I try not to let it in

Elle

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** May 24, 2022 5:59 pm

Just to clarify... because after rereading my last comment it may seem I was never angry and that I'm saying don't be. I was. Very. Angry that I had nobody to talk to as well as life, men, the LGBTQ community.

The whole Mindfuck is a journey

**Posted by Daryl** May 24, 2022 7:22 pm

It's quite common to experience a roller-coaster of emotion, particularly in the early stages.
This is one reason why you should not try to make too many decisions too quickly. Sleeping in the spare room is about the most major life change you should make at the moment. Find your feet so you can approach this clear and calm. Remind yourself that you did not make this happen, nor should you blame yourself for not anticipating it.