OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Why are these triggers for the XGH

**Posted by Crystal_H** May 7, 2022 9:28 am

My GXH has recently come out to. I’m still in the processing stage of it being that it just happened a week ago.
I told him how this new made me feel. In our marriage I felt Like I was a Hostage......Lies .......Selfish....Deceit.
He seems to be very triggered that these are the feelings I have towards him in our marriage now that he has shared he is gay.

Is this a common behavior for someone to have towards the Straight spouse when newly coming out? I feel like I’m fully entitled to feel what I feel and so is he, but asking if this is a common thing to experience when newly coming out?

**Posted by firefly** May 8, 2022 8:35 pm

Hi Crystal. I am not sure how common those feelings are or not, but I can share my experience. When my husband told me he is gay, he was so upset when I used words like betrayal, lies, anger, and hurt to describe what I was feeling. He really wanted me to celebrate his news and be his biggest advocate and champion. In my opinion, my husband does not want to face the reality that he is blowing up our marriage, family, and life. Any emotion from me that seems negative to him is very hard for him to handle. I think you are fully entitled to feel what you feel. I am sorry you are going through this.

**Posted by Ashley020709** May 9, 2022 9:21 pm

This is something I myself have wondered. My husband has been so emotional since coming out to me and sometimes it just seems to come in waves, some stronger than others.
I hate that he has this struggle, but at the same time it pisses me off because it has truly flipped our marriage inside out. I think we shouldn't feel sorry or bad for how we are feeling. Just as much as they have the right to feel what they are feeling, so do we.

I know there isn't much constructive advice here, but just know that you are not alone. Stay strong!

**Posted by Blue Bear** May 10, 2022 7:49 am

In most cases, it seems that the gay partner knew about their same-sex attraction well before they even met us. As straight partners, this was information that we deserved to know, but they instead decided to lie about it. They didn’t care out our feelings or truly respect us in the first place.

When they come out, they are the same people in terms of caring about our feelings. They don’t really care, and they will continue to put themselves first.

So yes, you are entitled to feel whatever you want to feel. In terms of trying to get sympathy or emotional validation from him for that? You’re better off looking for water in the middle of a desert.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** **Online!** May 10, 2022 1:42 pm

Ashley020709 wrote:
.....I know there isn't much constructive advice here, but just know that you are not alone. Stay strong!

I beg to differ. The very fact the Forum is full of straightspouses who all have had their lives upended by a member of the LGBTQ alphabet soup means that any straightspouse has a soft place to fall when they log in here.

Any advice read, heard, discussed here is another step towards recovery from the Mindfuck.
It's all constructive in my opinion

Elle

**Posted by Ashley020709** May 10, 2022 9:20 pm

Ellexoh_nz wrote:
Ashley020709 wrote:
.....I know there isn't much constructive advice here, but just know that you are not alone. Stay strong!
I beg to differ. The very fact the Forum is full of straightspouses who all have had their lives upended by a member of the LGBTQ alphabet soup means that any straightspouse has a soft place to fall when they log in here.

Any advice read, heard, discussed here is another step towards recovery from the Mindfuck.
It's all constructive in my opinion

Elle

Thank you. I guess when I wrote my response I felt like I wasn't providing much advice and more so just complaining. You are right everything here is helpful in one way or another.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** **Online!** May 11, 2022 12:13 am

" I guess when I wrote my response I felt like I wasn't providing much advice and more so just complaining "

Your allowed to feel a bit unbalanced and not quite sure whether you're comfortable here.... Some have said they don't even feel acknowledged.
It's just a matter of learning the ins and outs of the forum and becoming at ease with it all. I think many of us go through not feeling as welcome as we'd like.
Rather like any new place

Elle

**Posted by Gloria** May 11, 2022 7:55 am

You're not your. I felt unwelcome by some members too. I am here to make members feel comfortable and to know that I care.