Posted by anonymous41522  April 15, 2022 3:40 pm | #1 |
Hello everyone.
I'm getting divorced. We are both 39 and have been married for nearly 10 years and together for nearly 15 years. My wife has come out as transgender. I was blindsided by this. My wife has known since we met but thought that marrying me would make the feelings go away. A pregnancy last year brought the feelings back to the surface. The pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and I had thought my wife was as devastated as I was but my wife was happy and relieved about it. Right after coming out my wife began living as a man in appearance with a new name and new pronouns. In addition to coming out as transgender my wife came out as gay at the same time. My wife said we needed to "redo" our wedding so the pictures could reflect who my wife really is because the feminine bride was always a lie. (Everything in this paragraph is stuff my wife said and not my words).
I have no romantic or sexual attraction to men. I have moved out (the house was inherited by my wife before we met and was fully paid so it does not count as a joint asset so I have no claim on it). Once I got my living situation sorted I filed for divorce. When my wife came out there was an outpouring of love and support. My only family are my mom and my sister and both of them have chided me for filing for divorce. No one has asked me how I am doing and the only thing I have gotten is the opposite of support and flack for leaving my wife. My wife has already applied for a legal name change and gender change and is seeing a doctor to begin hormones and plan future surgeries. There was a delay in the service of divorce papers even because my wife is going by a new name.
I have lost my marriage, my home, my church, my job (I worked with some of my wife's family) and mostly everyone is happy for my wife and angry at me. I feel like the rug is pulled out from under me and everything is happening so fast. Thanks to anyone who reads my post.
(I would like to add I am for LGBT rights and don't have a problem with the community. I am angry at my wife and only my wife)
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Posted by LostAtSea April 15, 2022 4:25 pm | #2 |
Hi Anonymous,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know what it feels like to be blindsided and betrayed. You can read about my story in the other post.
Basically my life was turned upside down like yours except my ex is a now a trans woman. After 2 months of the bomb shell news, the hormones began and a new name picked out.
I have since divorced and had to fight for my fair share of everything. “It” has filed for a new name change and had surgeries etc, came out to everyone and on the job. Of course everyone is praising what a wonderful thing it is to live “the truth” but has zero sympathy for the partner who was blindsided.
Friends nor his family has ever called ti check on me or offer any conciliatory words when my life was pulled from underneath me.
It’s been almost 1 1/2 years and I still can’t seem to stop asking myself WHY??! It feels like yesterday. I know I will never know and there is no sense in asking, but I’m human.
The waves of emotions sometimes gets the best of me and you have to surround yourself with those that understand and will uplift you.
I wanted to add don’t let anyone make you feel like you did anything wrong. You are also living your truth and that you don’t want to be with a transgender partner. Unless they are in your shoes, they do not know what it feels like.
This journey is so hard being blindsided. I completely understand about having lost everything. So days are better than others, but ppl on this forum understand your struggle and pain.
Send me a PM if you need to talk. I totally understand and you are not alone.
Take care of yourself
Last edited by LostAtSea (April 18, 2022 11:54 am)
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Posted by lily April 17, 2022 3:29 pm | #3 |
Hi Anonymous
I am writing to commiserate, i I had a similar experience of a lack of sympathy just when I needed it most,
horrible isn't it. It's such a disacknowledgement. but it seems to be quite common. Partly I think this is because our non-straight ex is putting us down to all and sundry and partly I think it is because there are a lot of people in the closet and unknowingly we are rattling their cages.
wishing you all the best in the future, hopefully you meet someone nice.
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Posted by Grace1958 April 17, 2022 5:35 pm | #4 |
Hi - Anon41522
My husband is not transitioning (he's too old, medically unable, at 70) but lives as a woman at home. I guess I'm not sure if it's worse to worry about someone finding out or to deal with the fallout once it's out there. But either way you look at it, the non-"changing" partner seems to get the very short end of the stick emotionally. All we can do is seek therapy or groups like this to feel a bit less alone. Wishing you peace
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Posted by Grace1958 April 17, 2022 5:43 pm | #5 |
Hi again - I just found a document here on the site that is very helpful. If you haven't seen it yet, go to the main page, then to "Resources" and then "Resources for Straight Partners" and the "Acute Care first aid" document. Very good stuff and thanks to the admins who put it there!
