Posted by firefly  April 13, 2022 10:41 pm | #1 |
I am so sad today. My GH doesn’t want us to be in a MOM. I had hoped he would at least consider it, but I suppose it is better for me to know the truth. Now divorce seems inevitable. I never wanted our kids to have to face that. I committed for life. He says because he is not wanting to be with a woman and this is all about identity, that makes leaving OK and right in his mind. As if that justifies all the devastation and betrayal I feel. It is so painful to realize that I was never the kind of person he really wanted. I gave everything. My heart is broken.
He is upset with me because I don’t want to be in this happy rainbow family idea of his. I cannot do it. I would have to pretend to be happy while he pursues another partner in front of me. Our kids need a mom who is honest and who takes care of herself. But it makes me so very sad for our kids. We truly have had so much fun as a family. Our kids have no clue and will be devastated. Family dinners? I cannot do that. Family vacations? No. Family holidays? Not likely. He blew up our marriage. I honestly don’t think I would be able to be around him for a long, long time.
He is angry with me because I “can’t handle it” and says I am being selfish and rejecting him. Now I feel like the bad guy. Logically, I know that we are in this mess because of his choices, but that stings all the same. He said that he really tried to make it work for 22 years, so why can’t I just do this? But he was pretending. I told him the difference is that I never asked him to pretend (he did that all on his own), and I didn't know he was pretending. Also, if pretending was so hard and damaging to him, why in the world would he ask me to do it?
I am thinking through my exit strategy from our business. That frightens me, though. It would be a hit financially. What would I do for a job? Health insurance? How can I afford our house on one income? I have either been home with our kids or working in our business for a long time. I have not tried to find a job in years. Plus, I will have sad and broken kids who will need me.
I have to rebuild my life. All of it. The future I have been building is gone. I hate this.
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Posted by RoseColoredGlasses April 14, 2022 6:03 am | #2 |
Oh my goodness, my heart goes out to you. I am in a slightly different place - mine won’t let me go; he’s still in denial but cheating and twisting the truth etc. - but two points. (1) They try to make it your fault. That is a common thread here. Don’t let him. One of you was lying. It undermines everything else. Full stop. Can’t progress from a fraudulent premise. See “a gay ex husband answers” here. He’s smart and clear, helpful. (2) You sound actually very strong - you’ve built a business too. You can get through this. Be loyal to yourself, your values and push through. There will be a happier place. Sending love across these forum pages. ❤️🩹
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Posted by Grace1958 April 14, 2022 6:33 am | #3 |
Hi - your situation is something like my first time around with this. I understand you're feeling hugely betrayed and hurt. I'm so sorry you're going through this. As far as the business, is it possible for you to continue to work with him even if you can't live with him? Sometimes you just have to do the hard stuff for financial security. If it's in both your names, can you sell your half to him? In this case, talking to an attorney just about the business part of things seems wise.
About your house. It's an excellent time to sell and make good money. Get the appraisal as soon as you know you are going to divorce. That high appraisal will mean that much more money he has to give you in a settlement. With that money you can find a place that's easy to maintain (unless you like outdoor work...) and have a fresh start. Again, this is talk to a lawyer time. Those of us with grown kids can probably manage without much legal help but in this case you need someone to help you wade through all this. Life can change in an instant. It did for all of us here, for me, it was twice in this context in my lifetime. I promise you, life will go on, your kids will probably take it more in stride than you think, and you may even manage to be cordial to him someday, but you don't have to. You're in the driver's seat now, so take the wheel and call for an appointment for a lawyer.
Oh and that mess about you being selfish? That's gaslighting. Do. Not. Fall. For. It. Wishing you peace.
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Posted by firefly April 15, 2022 1:01 pm | #4 |
Thank you two so much for your kind words of encouragement. I feel so overwhelmed right now and appreciate the support I have found here. I have been thinking about contacting a lawyer, but I don't know if I am quite ready. Baby steps. I am looking to my health right now. Eating and sleeping are a struggle. I wish you both happiness and peace.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz April 15, 2022 1:56 pm | #5 |
firefly wrote:
I am so sad today. My GH doesn’t want us to be in a MOM. I had hoped he would at least consider it, but I suppose it is better for me to know the truth. Now divorce seems inevitable......
Firefly.... It may not seem like it now but having a husband say he doesn't want to be in a MOM is a gift to you. It gives you a definite statement to work with.
Start thinking not of your life with your husband but with yourself. Yes it's going to hurt, there's no denying it. And you'll have decisions that *you have to make for *your life...not his
I told my bisexual partner I had no wish to be in a MOM. It cleared a path for me to be able to see what *I did not want* in my life and from that point on any decision he made was his alone, as were mine. You're no longer a couple, your an individual
It's painful, we all know it...
It's a long journey, many decisions to be made but you'll discover yourself at the end of it
Be well. You've come to the best place to get through this
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by firefly April 17, 2022 10:35 pm | #6 |
Hi Elle,
Thank you for your encouragement. This is so very hard. I agree that this is such a good place to find people who understand and who can help me get through this.
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Posted by Gloria April 18, 2022 7:19 am | #7 |
Firefly, you have a difficult decision but no one can make it but you. My ex boyfriend would not admit his gayness so he never mention a MOM. He however, was shocked when I broke up with him. Take your time and find out what is best for you. Best of luck and I am holding a good thought for you.
