OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / Thank you and Hello

**Posted by Grace1958** April 12, 2022 5:03 am

Hi, My story is in "our stories". Mostly for now I'm reading all the posts and will join in more when I feel like I'm able to be helpful. At this point I'm in a holding pattern and not sure of my options going forward. So I am coming from an emotional place, not a logical clear thinking place. I just wanted to say thank you so much for this opportunity to feel not so alone. Wishing you peace.
Grace

**Posted by lily** April 12, 2022 6:54 am

Hi, glad you posted here as I wanted to reply after reading your story. Mainly to say you are not alone!

when you say you have a disability how bad is it - are you physically dependent on him for care?

**Posted by Grace1958** April 12, 2022 7:58 am

Hi Lily - I am mostly homebound and sometimes bedbound but manage my own activities of daily living. (cooking, washing up, doing laundry) though they all take me far longer than an able person, as in if I do laundry that is all I am doing that day besides personal care. Going out to pick up a grocery order which is about 12 miles in each direction, then bringing them in using a cart and putting them away generally has me wiped out for about a day, sometimes 2. But after years I can manage. I could manage on my own in an appropriate ADA apartment. I just might have to hire help to clean snow off my car or ask one of the kids/grands for help on occasion. Mostly I have severe post-exertional fatigue so I have to pace myself pretty strictly. But it would be just me and my cat so that's not impossible. Thanks for your caring in asking.

**Posted by Gloria** April 12, 2022 12:15 pm

Welcome Grace. I am sorry that you find yourself here but our members are compassionate and we all try to encourage each other.]

**Posted by lily** April 12, 2022 1:24 pm

okay so you do have options, that's good, I'm glad you have put your name down on the waiting list.

I just want to make some comments about sexuality - when you call yourself cis, that is an indication you are spending time with transgender people. For a straight female it's simply unnecessary to say cis, isn't it? That concept of not being comfortable in your skin is a transgender issue not a straight one.

Secondly your partner is still one person, still got two arms, not four, still got one brain not two despite the inconsistencies that make him feel female it's still one person in charge of one body, one person who decides what dress to wear.

And one person who lied to you from the outset of your marriage just as the first man did. Their sexuality develops with age like we all do but it doesn't change. They always were same sex oriented. From what I have seen it appears declaring yourself a lesbian to your wife is a recognisable stage in the world of transgender but it doesn't mean he is actually attracted to women.

tbh I don't believe he has been faithful to you - I just think oh okay he retired, less opportunity - and so I tend to think of the appearance of online accounts etc as a grooming technique - softening you up by degree to accept him feminising.

what I do believe is your instinctive response - feeling betrayed.

You sound like a very nice person - this is typical of us straight spouses - nice friendly empathetic. So I am glad you have your own space. I had been with my ex from the age of 19 and it was a shock to discover he was gay in denial at 57. I had my studio, it was a real retreat being at the end of the garden and already I spent an increasingly long time there so that my friends had stopped visiting me In the house and visited me there and eventually I moved my bed in and from there I got a divorce and moved out.

**Posted by Grace1958** April 12, 2022 4:29 pm

Well I don't suppose we ever really know all the facets of another person, or even ourselves. I sincerely doubt he "cheated" because he had permission to be with someone else as long as I knew what was going on. My disability makes active togetherness difficult so I told him years ago he could if he wanted. His first wife cheated (unknown to him) for most of his marriage and it devastated him so I doubt it but as I say, we never really know. Going forward what he does is his thing. As long as it's not in our home I don't care anymore. This has become a marriage of convenience. He contributes things I need and I contribute things he needs, so until I can get into low income housing that is ADA accessible it is what it is. I feel pity for him if he's been feeling like a woman this whole time and pretending. That's just really sad, to admit who you are at 70 yrs old. Whatever path he takes forward from here is on him. I'm more ticked about the lying about it and it making me feel like a failure. That I cannot forgive.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** April 12, 2022 6:56 pm

Grace1958 wrote:
Hi, My story is in "our stories"......

I read your story too and like Lily am glad I can say hi. Being physically reliant sucks but only if you don't use it to your advantage and always have a well-thought out plan. Even with your challenges you sound like you're pretty on to it.

As for his 'cheating'....the sooner it stops mattering that he may cheat/has cheated the better your life will be.
Welcome to our Forum Grace

Elle

**Posted by Gloria** April 13, 2022 7:49 am

Grace, it is your business if you stay or not. I do not judge you and hope no one here will. I am holding a good thought for you. I will not tell you that you husband does not love you. It was said to me in 20/20 and it hurt me very much. Some of us are kinder than others.