Dazed,

   I'm sorry you need to be here.  You've been plunged into a maelstrom.

   Some background as context in which to read my answer to your questions: 

   When my now-ex informed me he had decided he was "a woman in a man's body" (a biological impossibility), we had been married 32 years.  Our son was in his mid-20s.  After an initial reaction that I would leave, I stayed with him for three years, to see if I could continue to stay married to him.  After a year and a half, it was clear I would not be able to stay married to him.  I spent the next year and a half gathering my courage and preparing to leave (examining my options, looking for housing, marshaling my various resources).  Then I left.  I am now no contact with my ex. 

 Now to your questions.

1) How do you process the death of your husband? 

   Below I have posted an article that was helpful to me; if you seek professional help for yourself to help you process, ask the therapist to read this article.  Also, look for a therapist trained in trauma (not a gender specialist, who may bully/guilt you over leaving).  There is also a thread on Mumsnet for those of us who going through this.  I've posted the link to that, too, the link is to the 5th part of the thread, but you can access the earlier ones from there.  

Donna Chapman and Benjamin Caldwell: “Attachment Injury Resolution in Couples  When One Partner is Transgender”Journal of Systemic Therapies, Vol 31, No. 2, 2012, pp36-53(full text of article available online)

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4236287-trans-widows-escape-committee-5-and-so-it-continues

2.  How do we tell the kids?   

   I don't have any insight on the Christian aspect, as I am not Christian.  However, I will say that from my perspective I believe it is imperative that you tell them the unvarnished truth--"Your father has decided that he wants to live as a woman."  You do not have to editorialize ("or he will kill himself"--which, by the way, the research shows is not the case--transitioning does not ease mental health burdens in transitioned people.  Nor is the claim about suicide true; claiming people who don't transition will kill themselves is a tactic employed by the trans community to force acceptance both individually and socially, and is a threat employed by individuals to earn sympathy and compel compliance with their partners and family).  

   Here is a website that might be helpful to your children:  https://childrenoftransitioners.org/

   Your sons are young adults who have the ability to decide for themselves how much of and what kind of relationship with their father they wish to pursue.  They would certainly benefit from having you offer therapy to them, either separately, together (the two of them), or with you.  I do not recommend "family therapy" (with their father) until and unless they are allowed to process their feelings with an individual therapist, and only should they initiate it.

   Your daughter, who is adolescent, is particularly vulnerable, as she is at the age at which she is discovering her own sexuality.  She, especially, should be free from her father's appropriation of female sexuality, and in no case should he be allowed to turn her into some kind of confidante or guide or model (no joint shopping, no joint make-up try out sessions).  She should not be expected to share with him intimate details of breast development or menstruation--which in any case he might see as contributing to his "dysphoria," as he will never menstruate, and he should not ever be allowed to make her feel bad that because HE can't menstruate and was "denied" that experience because of his male biology she should feel guilty or bad about her biology.  And that, unfortunately, is a common enough occurrence.  Neither she nor you should be in any way coerced, guilted, or manipulated into beoming his "models for womanhood."  (My ex once cried out in exasperation to me, a director of a woman's studies program, "I don't know why you can't help me with this; gender is what you do!")

  I don't have any advice about whether the children should be told by him or by the two of your together, although how you handle it might depend on whether you plan to announce a separation/divorce at the time he tells them he's decided he is transgendered.  It is my gut feeling that it is better if you are present--whether you are divorcing or not--so you will know what he said.  Honesty and transparency are crucial.  

3. How to begin sharing with family and when.   

You should feel free to tell whoever, friend or family, that you wish to tell, who can serve as a support for you, as soon as you wish to tell.   And that is true whether or not he decides to transition or not.  His secret is not yours to keep, and his shame is not yours to shoulder or bear.  

  Please forgive me if I am misinterpreting what you have said, or reading too much of my own situation into yours, but it sounds from what you say that your husband is hesitating to "go public."   Although he may SAY this is because he's "scared of what that looks like for [you] and the kids" the far more likely truth is that he's scared of what "that looks like" for himself. They want their desired life but they don't want to lose the safety of the life they have, and in the grip of that conflict they are only too capable of saying they are concerned for us. 

   This was certainly true for my ex.  Although in his initial fever, and in the grip of all his internet diving onto trans road map and other trans encouraging sites (which your spouse no doubt has also explored, because that's where he got the "transition or suicide" meme), my ex was gung-ho on transitioning until he began to understand what exactly his life would be like as a not particularly feminine looking person, and I told him I wanted a divorce as I did not wish to be married to a trans person and have my entire life revolve around transness (which WILL happen--all his attention will be on his transition, and he will want yours and your children's attention there, too, and it NEVER ENDS).  He was much more wedded to enjoying himself in women's lingerie in the privacy of our home than he was to, as they say, "living his truth."  Int he end, my now-ex decided to stay in the closet, and dress and act out only at home.

    I say this to you because I want you to understand that whether or not your spouse decides to transition if you stay with him your life and that of your children are going to be hard;  if he transitions, he will be laser-focused on himself for years (forever, more likely), self-involved and self-centered to the extreme; if he doesn't transition, it is not going to make your lives easier; it is just going to make them hard in a different way, because his hidden but always present urges will make their way into your marriage and family life, your living in his closet will over time break you down--your daughter who lives with you at home should in no way be subject to either the knowledge or the unspoken secret currents in the home.   Here's your real "Rock. Hard place"--whether he does or doesn't.  

  You are so very right that even if your husband doesn't transition, the impulse NEVER goes away.  It will be a constant presence in your life and affect your marriage, even if your husband is not actively acting out or speaking about his urges.  My ex described it as "an itch that is almost always there."   

4.  When is the right time to separate?  Is there a defining moment?

   From my perspective, from my experience, looking at your situation with a daughter at a vulnerable age, and seeing what you have said--that you don't want to be married to a woman (and why should you?), and you can't "unlearn things") "I would say that the right time to separate is as soon as you possibly can.  Go visit a lawyer--alone--so you can understand your rights under the law, including both property and custody.  

 If you are looking for a defining moment, I would say look not to your husband for that, but to yourself, and I, like Lily, think you have already had that moment: you say, "I do not want to be married to a woman" and that even if he decides not to go ahead with transitioning, "You can't unlearn things."  That is your truest, most honest response, and it should guide you.  Even should you betray it and stay, you will still feel it, and it will eat you up inside.  Staying in a marriage you know you don't want to be in--for whatever reason--is never a good proposition.  

  And if you want a defining moment from your husband, I would say that it is his announcement that he is "certain he wants to become a woman."  His suicide threat merely ups the ante of how much he wants it; please DO NOT allow that to pressure you in any way.  The responsibility for suicide ALWAYS rests on the person who threatens or commits it, and NEVER on those threatened by it or left behind (and I say this as the daughter of a man who killed himself). 

  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 12, 2022 10:20 am)

Dazed, I really feel for your children.  I don't know that there's ever a "right" time to tell them, but they're old enough to know what "trans" means.  I can't give you any advice; we're all writing the instruction manual here as we go along -- but if you have to keep secrets from your kids, that means you have to lie to them, and in the long term that's an unforgiveable crime in their eyes.  You also can't burden them with something they have to keep secret from their own friends and community.

This is something I'm sure your husband has thought long and hard about before he announced he wanted to transition ... sorry, couldn't resist the sarcasm there.  He never gave it a moment's thought.  But your husband created this problem, and if his proposed solutions don't include "take responsibility for this mess, come forward and explain to parents/church/friends, and take his punches like a real man" (sorry, more sarcasm there, but it's just a figure of speech), then he doesn't get to complain or micro-manage how YOU decide to resolve this.