OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / My fiancee cheated on me with a man

**Posted by girly1234** March 8, 2022 3:42 pm

I am a woman in my 30s. While I was out of town for a weekend, my fiancee hooked up with a man he met on Grindr. He apologized profusely and promised me it was a one-time thing. He told me he is bi and that he just wanted to try it once. I know he feels terrible and is shocked by his own actions.

I reiterated that cheating is cheating - it doesn't matter if it is with a man or a woman. I have no issue with him being bi; I have an issue with the dishonesty. But I also think if he cheated on me with a woman, it would be easier for me to rationalize it as a one time thing. Because it was with a man, though, it's like he has a a whole secret inner life and that scares me. I dont know if I can or should trust him.

I do *want* to forgive him and be with him, but I am worried I am making a mistake.

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** March 8, 2022 4:09 pm

I'm twice your age Girly. Been 37 years with a bisexual man. He has emptied my life of anything we used to have by keeping his bisexuality secret.
Yeah I loved him and he loved me but now neither of us wants to upset the applecart that is our good life. Good that is except for the fact I'm not enough for him and I am not interested in him sexually anymore

Get out before it's too late

Elle

**Posted by walkbymyself** March 8, 2022 4:47 pm

Hi, girly1234, I'm so sorry you found yourself here but at least you're here now ... and not 25 years from now.

I'm also trying to figure out how this incident came to light, and whether he has been honest from day one about his claim of bisexuality. For many of us, including me, our husbands find it easier to claim to be bisexual rather than to face the fact that they're gay. And, at least in my case, sexuality changes with time. A man who's able to have hetero sex when he's younger, finds it harder and harder to perform as he ages. My husband's sex drive was weak when we were in our 20's, and got weaker and weaker with time. The only reason I never suspected him of cheating was because I figured he was impotent. So I was really shocked when I learned how active he was ... just not with me. I went for over two decades without being touched, and when I finally confronted him, he said "I have always known that I was bisexual." As if our vows of fidelity only applied to hetero partners, but same-sex partners were exempt.

**Posted by girly1234** March 8, 2022 4:55 pm

I found out because I saw a text message on his phone that he had an appointment - I googled the name of the place and it was a sexual health clinic that does STI testing. I confronted him and he told me. It had happened only a week earlier. He said he wanted to tell me as soon as I got back from my trip but couldn't face it. It would have come out eventually because we hadn't had sex in a week, which is odd for us. Eventually I would have caught on that something was up when he kept declining.

I really don't doubt his sexual attraction to me- we have an active and good sex life and its been like that for six years. If anything, I have to turn him down because his appetite is higher than mine. If it was up to him, we would be having sex every day. I really thought we were happy. We were actively planning our wedding. It just doesn't make sense.

**Posted by Soaplife** March 8, 2022 5:50 pm

Girly, get tested for STIs. He may have had other sexual encounters you don't know about.

Think very carefully about marrying a SSA cheater who concealed possible STIs from you.

They don't stop and they only tell you what you already know.

Cut your losses and leave. Better now than 10 years from now.

Last edited by Soaplife (March 8, 2022 5:51 pm)

**Posted by girly1234** March 8, 2022 5:53 pm

To be clear, he proactively got tested for STIs immediately following the encounter and we had no sexual contact in the intervening period. He did not conceal STIs from me.

**Posted by Daryl** March 8, 2022 6:45 pm

Monogamy is a permissible condition of a relationship.
'Just wanted to try it.' This isn't like ice cream flavours. I think this type of rationalization can be a sign of important character flaws.

Why would he have grindr if he's your fiancee? It's a hook-up app, not social media.

You're certain he feels terrible. How do you know he's not acting? I would always say believe actions over words. Did he hand you the phone so you could see there was no previous engagement with anyone else? Do you have complete access to all devices? Phones, tablets, email, etc? Is his life an open book to you? Has it always been that way, at least since you've been serious? I'm not suggesting you become his 'jailer'. That's not healthy either. Just wondering how open he's really been so far.

Only you can decide if you can trust him. It's a big decision so don't rush. Seek a counselor if necessary, or a really trusted listener who has your back.

**Posted by Soaplife** March 8, 2022 8:34 pm

girly1234 wrote:
To be clear, he proactively got tested for STIs immediately following the encounter and we had no sexual contact in the intervening period. He did not conceal STIs from me.

Girly you found out he was being tested. He didnt tell you. As I say, they only fess up to what you already know.

**Posted by Abby** March 9, 2022 12:16 pm

I doubt that this is his first time. Grinder is something you have to look for. He didn't just get hit on by a cute guy and decide to give it a try. Plus he's your fiance. Does that mean anything to him?

He probably got tested because he was afraid he might give you something and you'd figure out who you got it from. If you hadn't found out he could keep his secrets.

Sure he still wants to marry you. The better question is do you still want to marry HIM?

**Posted by HopelessRomantic** March 9, 2022 12:20 pm

Girly,

I’m going to parrot what others are saying here... you aren’t married yet, I’m assuming you don’t have kids together yet, so get out while it’s still easy. You have no obligation to stay. Cheating is cheating.. He slept with another man. The ‘better ask forgiveness than permission’ mentality doesn’t just go away. If you marry him, do so knowing that’s what you’re signing up for.