I'm with MJM here, in that once a friend reveals a romantic and sexual interest the friendship changes character; it can no longer be what it was.  It also sounds to me as if your wife did not just happen to finally express a long-felt bisexuality.  It sounds as if the friend's romantic interest in her was the instigating factor.  How much your wife really IS bisexual, and how much she is infatuated or flattered, or just playing into the current atmosphere of "it's cool to be anything other that hetero" is another question.  

  To say "we're friends" is not the same thing as "we're friends but my friend is romantically/sexually interested in me and I'm interested enough to declare I"m bisexual."  I imagine your wife is excited by the idea of this woman's interest in her, with the result that she's trying on the idea of a romantic/sexual interest in another woman.

BUT: your wife is married to you.  Which is supposed to mean that she guards herself against sexual feelings for another, man or woman, and does what is necessary to make clear to the other person and to you that she is a faithful and committed wife.  And that includes engaging in what you describe as the "lightness, connection, and friendship" that you would like to share with your wife--a walk after dinner, a glass of wine after the kids are in bed, a cuddle on the couch while watching a tv show.  All of which you can suggest or initiate, without having to bring up the fact that these things ought to be high on her list of concerns. 

 That your wife responded to your asking for that lightness and connection by disparaging you with a "friends, you ought to try them" response and by telling you "it's not healthy to get [friendship] from one person" raises some red flags to me about her commitment to you.  For one thing, you are not asking her not to have friends.  Perhaps you might ask her to answer her own question, "what's the difference between a friendship and a relationship?"  And ask her to imagine how she would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. 

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 1, 2022 6:23 am)

Thanks everyone for your responses. It is really nice to feel heard and not alone.

My wife has expressed boundaries with this friend, and the other woman knows a relationship is off the table. I just can’t get past the other woman’s “end game.” Like why bring up these feelings if you know the other person is in a committed marriage? You either have to be completely oblivious and socially inept (honestly a distinct possibility high this other woman) or ok with threatening a marriage.

Timeline with this friendship “awakening my wife’s bisexuality” does not line up with when my wife came out. This person wasn’t really in our life/their friendship developed more recently (but clearly is an intense one considering the timeline). I saw seeds of her bisexuality prior to her coming out.

Neither this woman or my wife are super out, so navigating this with a pastor is not something I think would be beneficial. I also have some trauma from past church experiences asking for pastoral advice, so their party therapists are the way to go here.

My therapist also recommended date nights. I’ve got some work to do on my self esteem because when I analyze my wife’s potential response when I suggest that I worry she might see scheduling a date night as a needy behaviour. But better to reach out for connection and if that is rejected have the conversation based on an actual event rather than a potential scenario my anxious brain has come up with.

I have been going through this since last summer but my stbx came out as Bi and as predicted by several on here a few moths later she was lesbian.
The truth may be hard but hiding from it is not a reason to stay together, since 2017 our intimacy had dwindled to only when she wanted it and then we are talking maybe one or twice a year, then last summer she told me, by October she declared she was fully lesbian.
I asked her do you love me and she said yes, i asked her do you still fancy me and she said no.
A few weeks later i tested the water with how far she was willing to be intimate with me as she did not want to split up, the answer was no distance at all, so i had my answer. I spent until December thrashing around trying to think my way out of this, eventually it dawned on me there was only one course of action and that was divorce. I got married for life and i didn't want any of this but now i am looking forward to my new life and she will be moving out to her new life in the next few months, our children know who she is and about our divorce and are adapting to the idea.
August-November i was trapped in mental contortions trying to save my family life, it was a miserable pointless exercise, if you can make sure she is Bi and not just using it as a comfort blanket for both of you but the tipping point for me was when i found out my wife of 20 years didn't fancy me anymore, why trap someone to stay with you when they no longer find you attractive mentally or physically?

got to say i was exactly where you are now, not saying it cant work for you, when she told me she was Bi i was relieved as i thought i could make that work, but it was not to be, i was not prepared to give up intimacy at 48 just to keep the family together and keep our financial security, it made me realise that for the last 5 years i have been in an abusive marriage where the abuse is lack of affection/attention, not as horrible as physical abuse but very insidious and has damaged my psyche into thinking no other lady would find me attractive/want to be with me. However i put myself out there and have met a lady who with a similar family set up and we are taking things very slowly but its very nice. We split bank accounts in Feb so for the first time in 20 years i get to save/spend my money how i see fit (not that there is a lot to spend) but all these little things i missed are slowly coming back and now i am positive about the future even though i still have lots of hurdles to jump to get stbx moved out and finish the divorce.