Hey Piper,

So just my opinion but needing to be drunk and watch porn to have sex with you seems like a pretty big red flag, and coupling it with things like being turned off by seeing vaginas, keeping eyes closed during sex, and having sex become infrequent instinctually make me question a man’s sexuality... so my gut says “Yes, he’s gay.” Obviously, I do have a bit of a biased opinion based off of my own experiences and concerns. But to be fair, people all have preferences when it comes to what they find attractive so it’s entirely possible that he just wasn’t that into you... and that doesn’t make you any less beautiful and worthy of love.

As for poop stains, he could have digestive issues or hygiene issues... I’ve heard that apparently adults not properly wiping is a weirdly common issue. Ew. So I wouldn’t overthink that piece to much.

I didn't have any evidence either, just my gut sense he was gay.  It wasn't til after I left that I got confirmation from an old friend who knew him as a teenager.  Then with that confirmation odd things from my past, like this co-worker of his who seemed so wedded to him, fell into place.

In your case though, when you sought corroboration from his first wife you didn't get it.  Do they have children together?  did she do well out of the divorce?  It might be worth going back to the person who told you that she'd found him in bed with a man and talk further.  

I do agree with Soaplife about not second guessing your own judgement, but I also know it felt good to get that corroboration from someone else - I think it's just the way we're built - once I had that corroboration I felt myself relax away from even thinking about it, question fully answered, no need to even wonder if I was wrong.

I’m soon separating from my husband, and he’s now opening up about his secrets. One was that for our 17 years he had to watch porn (binge watch, were his words) before having sex with me. He hid it. I never suspected. He also was totally disconnected during sex, it had to be dark and he couldn’t let me see him naked ever.

If I’d known about needing gay porn before sex I wouldn’t have taken the blame for being gross and unlovable. I saw the disgust on his face when we had sex, and thought I was disgusting. I’m trying to heal from that and it may be years - that one part of the abuse cuts so deeply. And all those times, he was wanting men and looking at porn, knowing I thought it was my fault because I cried to him about it. I asked what I could do to be prettier to him. He knew the real reason, but let me think this about myself - and that feels like a murder now. He killed a part of me.

LMM,

Your post made me cry. To think we are faulty and not lovable..subtly or directly inferred over many years.   It's so not true and these spouses doing that if not sociopathic, demonic and immoral..its not something one does to someone they are supposed to love.  Not normal. 

Getting away from that, I found, was not a loss but a priceless gain.

Rob,
I agree that was amazing thank you Rob!
Give me alot of hope!
Im sending love and hope to you as well.
A man like you.. there's no way God wont bless you!