Posted by HopelessRomantic  February 11, 2022 12:19 pm | #1 |
First post here, so hello everyone.
My question(s) for you:
For straight wives with trans or crossdressing husbands (where the husband is/claims to be interested only in women), how much luck have you had (long term) maintaining intimacy? How do you get past the loss of masculine traits, and how do you get over the feminine ones?
For those of you with kids, if/when the kids find out (especially young ones) how do you keep their father’s decisions from unintentionally ‘grooming’ them to make the same? Since little kids emulate their parents, it worries me that it this may be confusing.
My husband currently claims to like presenting both ways, though he clearly prefers the feminine side. And he leans right politically, so his viewpoints towards crossdressing and trans issues are similar to Blaire White. He currently doesn’t present as female in front of the kids, though I worry about how it will affect them if/when he does, and he has agreed to dress masculine half the time when alone with me and to only attempt to engage intimately when presenting male.
I’ve been gentle, but very honest that I’m not attracted to the feminine side of him and though I still love him when he’s in a dress, I’m incapable of thinking of him like that in any way beyond platonic. I’ve agreed to engage/indulge his feminine side by having ‘girl time’ with him and consented to the fact that even when presenting male he will still have his body shaved smooth and his nails done. He’s voiced the concern that the time he spends as female will mess with the way I see him when he’s presenting male, and I have reassured him... though I feel like I’m not being 100% honest there. I’m fairly good at tuning out the feminine aspects of his appearance and focusing on the few masculine ones he leaves, but I have to actively work at it sometimes and just about any little thing starts to pull my focus. If I accidentally take note of the smooth skin on his legs, or he begins acting too submissively, I immediately get extremely turned off. Is there any hope that this will get easier? Or is it just going to get worse as we get older?
Any tips and tricks people have found to combat this would be extremely helpful, but all honest responses are welcome.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz February 11, 2022 1:14 pm | #2 |
I am only (only? lol) the partner of a bisexual man but he did show an interest in wearing women's stockings, my underwear (yuck)
I let him know in no uncertain terms that I found it creepy and distasteful and that I wasn't interested in having that in my life.
You sound like even though you find this change in your husband unsettling... confusing?.... you're willing to accept it. And I wonder why?
The only way to stop any potential "grooming" would be to put definite space between the children and their father. Like make up your mind what you want for you and your children... Then do it.
Elle
KIA KAHA
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Posted by HopelessRomantic February 11, 2022 1:52 pm | #3 |
Ellexoh_nz wrote:
You sound like even though you find this change in your husband unsettling... confusing?.... you're willing to accept it. And I wonder why?
Elle
Short answer? I love him. We’re best friends and we’re perfect for each other in pretty much every other way... it’s *mostly* the romantic aspect of our relationship that’s always been a problem... albeit a big problem because that aspect of life is important to me. But, I guess when I rationalize things in my head, I’d rather spend my life building a dream with my best friend/the father of my children. That’s even more important to me.
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Posted by OutofHisCloset February 11, 2022 2:08 pm | #4 |
I can only speak for myself. It didn't get easier, it got worse. My now-ex initially liked to dress in women's clothes (to be "the woman he was") around the house, but he mostly confined his dressing to the bedroom and to sex. Initially I was supportive, but over time, as his behavior escalated and he revealed more of what he was thinking about himself, it became intolerable. I had to learn to dissociate, like a prostitute, so I could stand being in bed with him when he was wearing women's lingerie. I also had to learn to adopt "the male gaze," that objectifying "pay attention to various body parts" only, so I could avoid taking in the full picture.
Our child was an adult so I can't speak to that part of your quesiton.
If you are having difficulty quelling your discomfort, I think you should pay attention to your instincts, and not attempt to override them, or you will pay for doing that down the road.
If you haven't read the psychologist Michael Bailey's "The Man Who Would be Queen" (it's available for downloading online) on autogynephilia, or the work of transwoman Anne Lawrence, an MD and counselor, who also writes on autogynephilia and maintains an online presence, doing so will give you a better picture of your husband's proclivities.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 11, 2022 2:09 pm)
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Posted by HopelessRomantic February 11, 2022 2:28 pm | #5 |
I also had to learn to adopt "the male gaze," that objectifying "pay attention to various body parts" only, so I could avoid taking in the full picture.
Our child was an adult so I can't speak to that part of your quesiton.
If you are having difficulty quelling your discomfort, I think you should pay attention to your instincts, and not attempt to override them, or you will pay for doing that down the road.
I can 100% relate to this. I find myself deliberately focusing on little things that I like, such as the muscles on his arms or the hair on his chest (which is the only thing he doesn’t shave), almost like I’m meditating rather than just taking everything in.
Some days are much easier than others, though, when he’s in a ‘take charge’ kind of mood that’s usually enough to distract me from absolutely everything else on this planet, at least in that moment.
But I definitely understand where you’re coming from, and it is something I worry about.
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Posted by Marianne February 11, 2022 3:39 pm | #6 |
I was wondering about the same thing. Does it ever get better and what must I do to get over it?
I always found the crossdressing repulsive and my sexual attraction to him simply turned off one day.
I tried to read other people's stories. Lots of them. The wives who stayed in such relationships were usually bisexual. They said things like "but my spouse is still the same inside, the wrapping does not matter!" or "she is so radiant and happy now, so I'm also happy". I found I could not identify with any of that.
I gave up pretty quickly, so I can't tell you if it gets easier over time. But I understand that the crossdressing is like an addiction. The euphoria they get from it will fade so they will look for a higher dose.
But here is the most important thing I learned: the question is not what I should do to get over it, but... do I really want to suppress myself like that?
Last edited by Marianne (February 11, 2022 3:45 pm)
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Posted by HopelessRomantic February 11, 2022 5:01 pm | #7 |
Marianne,
Now that I’ve found a couple of websites dedicated to our side of these issues I’ve been reading through pretty much everything I can get my hands on... and it’s definitely helped me to not feel quite as alone, or guilty/selfish for having some of the thoughts and feelings I have.
I’m admittedly not really in the best state of mind to be making any life changing decisions at the moment... just had my second baby in December, wound up with birth injuries. So my body is quite literally trying to fall apart on me in a very intimate way, and I’m doing my best to keep myself from mentally falling apart at the same time. Gotta stay sane for the kids. Extremely bad timing. When it rains, it pours.
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Posted by Ellexoh_nz February 11, 2022 9:37 pm | #8 |
....when I rationalize things in my head, I’d rather spend my life building a dream with my best friend/the father of my children. That’s even more important to me.
Your best friend wants to be feminine so are you okay with him seeing you as a lesbian? because isn't that what you'd end up being?
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (February 11, 2022 9:38 pm)
KIA KAHA
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Posted by lily February 11, 2022 10:22 pm | #9 |
I went to town early the other day, going to the hardware store and as I driving back I saw this man standing by the side of the road - he was tall and stout and hanging on the lamp post, dressed in a baby doll nightie with frilly panties. He looked so little boy lost and seriously petulant about it.
He did not look like husband material.
Hopeless - I hope you have some good family around to help, have you spoken about it with any family members?
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Posted by Lynne February 11, 2022 11:16 pm | #10 |
delete
Last edited by Lynne (July 15, 2022 6:24 pm)
