OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / What would sex look like with my Lesbian Wife if she struggles w/men

**Posted by IwantHerStill** January 3, 2022 5:31 pm

My Wife of 30 years recently told me she is gay and she wants to stay married and monogenous but she is uncomfortable having sex with me?

for the past two years sex has gone from once a week to null, and from both initiating it too just me, I tried to talk about it many times. Once she said she didn't need sexy any more at this stage of her life (we are in our 50's) then she said she sex was painful because of menopause and then she said it was because she had intimacy issues due to Trama from when she was a teenager.

recently she told me she was gay and wanted to stay married but sex is an issue for her and not fair to me, i asked what it is she wants or what sex would look like for us and she has no clue???

I have spent the last 3 months asking her to just cuddle with me but we didn't have to have sex and she won't? she sits at the far side of the couch, if i move next to her she doesn't reach out, if I initiate touching, she says she is fine and that's ok but she doesn't react at all or touch me back or ever initiate touch.

At night in bed, she will touch my arm occasionally for a short period of time but only once a week and if i try to rest my had on her shoulder or back she usually will shrug or say goodnight ending anything resembling a cuddle.

She agreed to couples therapy specifically regarding sex and we start next week, she really hasn't been working on our relationship at all and not willing to talk.

My fear, my anxiety is that she is gaslighting me in hopes I will eventually give up and end the marriage myself and she is keeping things cordial until I realize what she already knows??? I DONT KNOW..... I really love her; I would do almost anything but there has to be intimacy between us or it's not a marriage.

I guess I will try to let the anxiety and fear go and take her at her word and hope for the best with counseling.

Thanks for giving me a platform to say this out loud, it's very lonely and I am in a great deal of pain

**Posted by lily** January 3, 2022 6:39 pm

Hi, sorry for your pain, we can relate to that here. Look you are not going to like hearing this but I think you are right she is gaslighting you.

And yes there is a whole other shoe to drop.

What do you think couples therapy can do? and one further question, who has organised the counsellor? don't go in for a two on one psychological mugging!

She has hidden her sexuality from you, her true feelings from you from the start. Now she can't do it so well. This is often accompanied by an emotional affair with another woman.

So please, pay attention to your anxiety and fear - they are your own self warning you, it's gonna get worse - think about it, can you change your mind so you are attracted to men?

she is very different to you, isn't she.

Hang in, post here, take it easy, look for people on the ground you can confide in, family is best.

You are here. You are a million miles in front of the poor men who don't even know their wife is lesbian, they just feel the pain and don't know why, often try and exercise or workaholic it away which doesn't really work, and never blame their wife.

Last edited by lily (January 3, 2022 6:42 pm)

**Posted by gwendolyn_C** January 3, 2022 7:38 pm

Iwantherstill, I am so sorry for your pain. I can relate because my GID husband wants to stay married but we have nothing to keep the bond strong. We haven't had sex in a year and rarely spend time together. Our intimate conversations are non-existent. I must mention that I can make a correlation between the lack of intimacy with my husband to the time his 'friends' came into his life. Just beware that she may have started to voice her preference because of a connection she has developed with someone. I hope it's not the case. Wishing you the best. Try not to let your mind run wild. We can only control our actions. Sadly, we can't make others love us. It hurts and sucks! Vent anytime!

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** January 3, 2022 8:47 pm

OP you need to hear from some of the men on the Forum who have gay wives

Welcome to our Forum

Elle

**Posted by IwantHerStill** January 5, 2022 2:26 pm

Trama surfaced due to Me2 we have been together 30 years and sex was good until about 2 years ago then it just dropped till i was the only one initiating and very infrequently successful

Yea so she agreed to try to save the marriage and she talked to My therapist last night, came home and said again She was gay and she would never have sex with me and it was over, she packed a bag and went to her sisters, she texted this morning and said staying at her sisters for the week I asked if she planned on staying at home again and she responded that she would call me this weekend so i am guessing that's a nope.

It's a numb shallow feeling now accepting my soulmate has rejected me and blindsided me so completely.

As much as the betrayal hurts, I realize that I am about to start a life without an emotionally abusive partner who never changed for me or our adult children while we all diligently changed and became better people coping with her narcissistic tendencies.

I am aware I might actually be able to have a healthy relationship with a woman who will love me and desire to be with me and have sex with me because she is attracted to me and not because she thinks it's expected while seemingly placing guilt or shame on me for desiring sex with her.

I was the stable rock of the relationship and she is about to experience allot of disappointment, pain and loneliness due to her personality and the fact she drove all our friends and coworkers away. I feel bad for her knowing she will find not green grass but a barren desert.

And I won't be there to offer her support because I have to protect myself from any more pain and loss and anxiety, she has caused me over the last 10 years.

yet my heart screams and rips apart followed by the anger and resentment, then by feelings of loss, betrayal and loneliness. (Then the hope at a brighter future warms me slightly)

On October 9th I was looking forward to a long future and retiring with my love, a day later I was fighting for my marriage, On December 26th I was struck in the chest as she announced she was gay yet loved me and was still committed to fixing our marriage giving me just a spark of hope, 9 days later she announces the end of almost 31 years of marriage and all my hopes and dreams for the future and I am left questioning if I have ever been loved.

Last edited by IwantHerStill (January 5, 2022 2:40 pm)

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** January 5, 2022 4:12 pm

IwantHerStill wrote:
...
Yea so she agreed to try to save the marriage and she talked to My therapist last night.....

She should never have talked to your therapist... are my thoughts

Elle

**Posted by Daryl** January 5, 2022 6:23 pm

I agree with Elle, you should tell your therapist that anything concerning you is now expected to be kept in complete confidence and that your spouse no longer has any right, or need, to know.

Try to keep the focus on the future possibilities. You may not always be successful, but it's important to not get stuck in the past and dwell on what was or can never be. If you haven't already done so, look into the legal aspects of your future status, including retirement related items such as pensions, etc.

You can do this. Every journey starts with the first few steps.

**Posted by Rob** January 5, 2022 11:27 pm

Iwantherstill,

So sorry and welcome. I can say ive been through most of this..from the cruel physical rejection to the complete "do not come near me"...

You wrote accurately how you can see it as abuse. I can say absolutely that being away from someone that doesnt want you and treats you this way is 1000 times better.

Did they ever love us. I would like to think they did in some way..but definitely not as much as we loved them.

Know that you loved fiercely and loyally... know that you deserve to not be hurt like this..

Wishing you strength and stoicism.

**Posted by walkbymyself** January 6, 2022 10:10 am

Rob wrote:
Did they ever love us. I would like to think they did in some way..but definitely not as much as we loved them.

Rob, I remember fumbling around during the fog of discovery, trying to understand what "truth" was (much of which I had to re-construct by reading here). I remember telling a friend that there are two aspects to human nature we've been taught to under-value. One is that women actually do have sexual needs, and the other is that men actually do have emotional needs.

You are one of the people who made me realize that the desire to love and be loved is not the exclusive property of women.

**Posted by Rob** January 6, 2022 1:17 pm

Walk,

This board taught me that there are women that physically like men sure,
but also that there are good moral women out there and my spouse was lacking in morals.

It scares me to death that my GXs love for me was so shallow.. like if I got sick or gained 5 pounds she would leave me. Not what I signed up for when I married her.

So glad to see good women and men get away from abuse and hurt.