OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum / WHAT DO I DO

**Posted by Gloria** November 8, 2021 8:33 am

Please don't get discouraged. There are straight men (real men) out there. The gay men need to be with gay men and stop trying to pass.

**Posted by Daryl** November 8, 2021 9:15 am

"I'm worth more than this treatment." Keep this in mind.
At the moment, you may not know what the future will bring if you move on, but I think you certainly know what will happen if you do not.

Last edited by Daryl (November 8, 2021 9:15 am)

**Posted by walkbymyself** November 8, 2021 12:13 pm

I think that one thing that happened to me was that I was robbed of the ability to drive my own life ... and being around people who tended to take charge of me was counterproductive, even if it was well-intentionned.

But with a new baby on the way, it's also important to have someone willing to roll up their sleeves and get to work so you can at least get sleep and build yourself emotionally. That sounds like it means you should be with your mother. But also, having this massive stressful thing you have discovered about your husband is going to be exponentially worse with the stress of a new baby in your life. Normally I think people should wait before confronting ... but I think you need that much out of the way before the baby arrives.

If you told him you needed to stay with your mother after the baby came, that would at least give you a little breathing room. You'd be in a position to tell him what you'd discovered and you don't want to have that stress in your life with a newborn. Does that make sense?

**Posted by Helpme25** November 8, 2021 4:20 pm

walkbymyself wrote:
I think that one thing that happened to me was that I was robbed of the ability to drive my own life ... and being around people who tended to take charge of me was counterproductive, even if it was well-intentionned.

But with a new baby on the way, it's also important to have someone willing to roll up their sleeves and get to work so you can at least get sleep and build yourself emotionally. That sounds like it means you should be with your mother. But also, having this massive stressful thing you have discovered about your husband is going to be exponentially worse with the stress of a new baby in your life. Normally I think people should wait before confronting ... but I think you need that much out of the way before the baby arrives.

If you told him you needed to stay with your mother after the baby came, that would at least give you a little breathing room. You'd be in a position to tell him what you'd discovered and you don't want to have that stress in your life with a newborn. Does that make sense?

That makes a lot of sense. I am trying to wait til after Christmas just so my daughter can have a Christmas with her father because last year she wasn’t with him

**Posted by Helpme25** November 8, 2021 4:23 pm

Daryl wrote:
"I'm worth more than this treatment." Keep this in mind.
At the moment, you may not know what the future will bring if you move on, but I think you certainly know what will happen if you do not.

Your right. I half to keep telling myself that

**Posted by Helpme25** November 8, 2021 4:24 pm

Gloria wrote:
Please don't get discouraged. There are straight men (real men) out there. The gay men need to be with gay men and stop trying to pass.

I’m trying not to get discouraged and just keep reminding myself that he is gay there’s no future

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** November 8, 2021 5:32 pm

Helpme25 wrote:
I don’t deserve this.....

No you don't. None of us do but we all take a different path to get through this and this head/heart battle we all struggle with takes time, depending on our individual strengths and situations....to overcome. For myself it was a switch that turned on to show me that though I loved him...he was showing me that he didn't love me in the same way
and, if I looked back on our life, he had actually held a piece of himself back from me. With the switch flipping on came the realisation that self-preservation was a tool I had to sharpen myself.
I still have a respect for this man I live with because apart from the 5% of him (his words) that is interested in men he is still invested in the life we made. But the person he could wind emotionally around his finger is no more.
You'll get there Helpme

Elle

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** November 8, 2021 9:32 pm

MJM017 wrote:
.... I would strongly encourage you to consult family law attorney(s) near where you are sooner rather than later.. You will know where you stand for custody, legal and financial rights. It will give you a clearer picture of what's ahead of you and decrease stress.....

Helpme....whenever I thought about making an appointment, approaching, talking to a lawyer...I would break out in a sweat and look for any reason not to do it. I'd walk past, look at the door....keep walking. Do it again. I was shaking when I went in through the door and sat waiting, thinking surely somebody will see me, know me, what the hell would I say? I was afraid to be found out asking for information about my options and protecting myself. And that's just total bullshit really! to feel like that.

But let me tell you...when the switch flips and you see your life matters...your strength will come.

Elle

**Posted by Helpme25** November 9, 2021 5:01 pm

I’m just at really trying to make it until after Christmas to confront him but it’s so challenging

**Posted by Ellexoh_nz** November 9, 2021 5:14 pm

Helpme25 wrote:
I’m just at really trying to make it until after Christmas to confront him but it’s so challenging

Ah yep.....challenge. It will be tough but you can do this, you just have to be stronger than the emotions you're
feeling about this, about him. Easy to say, harder to do I know. See "after christmas" as a goal and work towards it

Elle